I need to print pictures for the new picture frames I brought, so I checked our old albums and while browsing I really can’t help but feel sad just seeing the pictures of my daughter. I turn different pages of our album and some of it made me smile as well. In moment like this, I don’t know if I have to focus on the past that hurts me or focus on the future that is still a mystery. I am excited for our future but the past is really overwhelming that sometimes it’s hard for me to let it go.
I know that we should not focus on our past anymore but for me that is still attached to the wonderful memories of the past, that is hard for me. Well, there are moments that I can just let my past go but I think not today. Oh my, I am just so sentimental today. I know someday I will get through it too just like what I did before in my past and since I am not yet there, I have to endure this pain now and wait for that right time to finally let it go. I don’t want to force myself, I think I should give myself enough time to move on completely.
Grieving is not a process but it’s a cycle. A never ending cycle but I believe that time will come that the only left is just a memory but the pain will eventually vanish. Yesterday, I got a chance to have a conversation with our helper and house builder. Our helper lost a baby due to heart failure and our house builder lost a 2 year old son due to heart failure too. Actually, they are around in there late 40’s and when they talked about losing a child, I can still feel the pain. While they are sharing their stories, I can’t help my tears from flowing. This people around me, who are with me almost everyday are also in pain just like I do. They are just carrying the pain silently and they really try to go on with their lives, just like normal. You really never know what other people are carrying unless you have a heart to heart conversation with them.
Just like them, I know that I can go on with my life too. I know that I can face our future with hope and love but the pain in the past will be forever in my heart and that hole in my heart will only be fill by the missing person of my life. I know that I will forever long for her but I know that she will help me face the future.
Yesterday, when I went to supermarket and browsing the utensils section I saw a feather in between the fork and spoon. I was so shocked and I almost cry. I talked to Ayumi when she passed away that I will know that she is with us by showing us a feather. After I told her about it, I already forgot that request because I never got a chance to see a feather but last night was different. It only shows that she is really trying her best to show to us that she is still with us. Death can’t even separate us. The love we have for each other is so strong.
Maybe, I don’t really understand until now the reason why I don’t have her anymore but I know someday I will know why. I believe that He never leave us during this storm and will definitely show the rainbow.
Have a blessed day everyone!