Last night, I miss my Ayumi so much. Actually, I miss her everyday. I wanted to hug her again. I miss her little hands around my neck. I miss her kisses. But suddenly, I stop. I should not be dwelling much on the past. I should not be dwelling much on the pain. Sometimes, it is nice to visit that painful past over and over again but we should learn to stop if we know that it is already affecting us. As a mom, the memories of my daughter will always be with me and the pain will never fade. It is always deep inside of me and no matter how hard I try, there is a lowest point where I allow myself to dig in.

I am trying to check my phone last night for Ayumi’s pictures but I keep on browsing and realize that it’s been 8 months and all her pictures are now on the lowest part of the file. We added more pictures everyday as a sign that we are moving on with our life.  I wanted to post pictures of her but I realized that I should stop. It will just reopen the scar and it hurts me more.

I just finished reading this book. Actually, I am collecting Paul Coelho books and this one is really about his journey. I learn so much about him particularly about Life, Death and determining our Past. This book is really amazing and I realized that we never died, we are just going to a different place, still aware of everything. So, I believe that Ayumi just left us physically but she is still with us always. I know that she is guiding us and helping us get through all the pain.