I don’t know how to express what I feel but my body is trembling everytime I remember that moment when my daughter passed away. Few days from now will be her First Year Anniversary in Heaven. Everything seems replaying. Sometimes, I can’t focus because I remember how exactly it happened.
I feel so helpless… I really don’t know how to express my feelings. I wanted to scream but I can’t do it. There is no reason for me to do it. I pray so hard that Ayumi will help me get through this. I am so afraid…
I know it is not the best time to feel this way because we should be celebrating New Year soon but I really can’t help it…
I remember last year when we celebrated New Year at the hospital. Just when I thought that she is doing well, the worst happened. All I remember was, her heart beat was so fast and the doctors and nurses were keep on checking on her. They are trying to keep her vital signs back to normal but it seems that all the medications are not working. Until her heart rate dropped. They try to bring her back for 30 minutes. I don’t want them to stop. I even asked the Head Doctor to continue what they are doing. I am willing to wait. But… when I saw her body that was so weak already and not responding anymore… I shout… I let them stop!
That was when I heard my husband shouted his heart out. It was the moment that I really can’t believe that I lost my precious child. That is the moment that I know my life will be change forever. That is the moment that I realized that I cannot hear her voice again. That is the moment that I know that I can’t have her kisses and hugs again.
That was the loneliest moment of my life. In that particular moment, part of me died too. Part of me has gone too with her. Part of me will never be whole ever again.
That was the moment I held her for the last time. After that very moment, I don’t want to go near to her dead body because I know she is not there anymore. I know that it is just a body and I don’t feel her there anymore. I can’t cry that moment. I don’t know how to express my feelings. It seems that everything is unreal. It seems that I have a nightmare!
I just wish that God never allow this things to happen. I wish He let her stay with us. I wish to have it differently but it seems that God is already sure of what He wanted to do with my life. At first, I questioned God and got mad at Him. It is really a test of faith. As the days and months passes by, slowly I learned to accept it. You will definitely see how I accepted the whole thing if you are a reader of my blog. It was hard but there is nothing else to do.
I renew my faith and believe that whatever happened was really good for my soul. It might serve my purpose here on Earth. It’s hard to understand but I just trust everything to God.
There are bad moments but there are also good moments. Maybe, what I feel lately is one of those bad moments and I believe that this too shall pass.
Mama Mary and Jesus please help me get through this.
I hope that my little Ayumi is doing great in Heaven right now. I miss her so much…
