Now that the Xavier is here, I realized so many things. I never thought that I will feel this happiness again. When I found out that I am pregnant again, I wasn’t sure if I can be at my best because I was deeply hurt when I lost Ayumi. I keep on praying that the heaven will guide me when the baby will come. I am praying so hard to become the best mom for the new baby. I am afraid that I might not be able to take care of the new baby well, since I was deeply hurt. I never plan ahead but I let my mother instinct do the magic. I told to myself that maybe when I hold him, I will be more different, maybe by that time I will be able to take care of him.
True enough.. when I first saw him, I know that he is mine. I know that he is the answer for our prayers. I know that God bless us to have him to help me heal. To help me understand what life is really all about.
But the pain is still here. Everyday I misses my daughter more and more. Everytime I hold Xavier, I miss her more. All the memories that we have together are keeps on coming back each day. Having Xavier in our life will never erase the memories I have with my daughter. But each of my child is unique, they are incomparable. Each of them have the same level of love from me.
Being a grieve mom, I have this moment that I am not really completely okay. I am happy then eventually feel sad because I know that I don’t have Ayumi anymore. I sometimes wish to have them together in our room. To see them play and grow up together. Yes, I wish so hard for that…
I keep on wishing but later I realized that there are things that you just let it go because you know that it will never be happening.. not today.. not in this lifetime. Of course, I accepted defeat. I know that sometimes I don’t always get what I want. That is the reality of life. Sometimes, you just need to surrender everything to God’s hands and let Him do the rest.
Sometimes the way He responds is way beyond on what we are expecting. Most of the things that happens in my life lately are really a big surprise. Because this time, I surrender everything to God. I let him do everything and I just follow. I learn to relax myself. I learn to accept things as they are.
Unlike before.. I was really controlling. I am afraid of what might happen. I am afraid of what the future might brings. But when Ayumi died, it changed everything in me. I see life in a way better now.
With the help of Xavier, who is trying to help me understand what life is really all about, then I know that I am on my way to recovery. Xavier is a big part of it. I wake up each day excited to take care of him and to witness all his developments. I am excited for the future again. I am not afraid anymore because I know that God plans are better than mine.
Gareth is teaching me to relax and just enjoy life. He has this aura to just go on with life and stop worrying. He is truly a human angel. When I saw his latest developments, I realize that I am so lucky to have him. I will continue pouring my love and support for him. He is truly my first love. 🙂
