August 3, 2016
I still remember the day Ayumi was born. As a mom, I know that I will never ever forget that moment. It still feels like yesterday. The day before her birthday, I was not feeling well. I don’t have the energy to go out but still I force myself. I know that I need to go out because I’ve been working straight for the past weeks and I know that I need a break.
So today, I really don’t know on how to celebrate her birthday. Anyway, it is also our scheduled time to renew our passport and it just reminds me that if she is still with us then she will also renew her passport. Siguro tinapat ng panahon na magrenew kami na timing ng birthday nya kasi every birthday na lang nya ang lungkot lungkot ko. As you all know, I really love to celebrate birthdays, when she turned 1, she had the grandest birthday ever. Nong nag 2 years old sya, ang saya din ng celebration nya but now na nawala na sya parang hindi ko na alam kung papano magcelebrate ng birthday nya.
I talked to the people that are close to me about my plan. I told them that we don’t need to celebrate her birthday just like we celebrate ours. Ayoko kasing malito si Xavier that we will be singing a happy birthday song tapos wala naman ang Ate nya. Diba parang ang lungkot non and I don’t want Xavier to feel that, to see me in tears that supposed to be a happy occasion.
Since kasabay nga din ng pagpunta namin sa DFA ang birthday nya, so I don’t need to prepare so much. We visited her place and offer her flowers and prayers. We went there with Gareth and hubby and we just greeted her Happy Birthday.
It is always the hardest part of me, I miss her so much and I wish to give her the best birthday ever! I wanted to do so much more for her, I wanted to feel so much with her. I wanted to grow old with a daughter like her. I want her into my life and if only I can have her back I will definitely love it.
But…
I have to move on and I know that I am starting to move on. I know that I should focus on what are given to me… and appreciate on what we have. I know that I should learn to live with that pain. I know that in a perfect time I will understand why it happened.
For now, I will continue to live a life that’s plan for me. I have to live life to the fullest because I know that someday we will be together again and I want her to be proud of me. I want her to feel proud that despite the pain, I still live a meaningful life.
It breaks my heart everytime I think of what happened and there are really darker days… there are still days that I questioned God but this time I can handle it well and I know that with God’s guidance I can overcome the pain.
We visited her place.
Renew passport
Feeling so down and went to Tagaytay to eat out! š