A different Me

I am a person who plan a lot. I made my yearly plans. I love taking notes of everything I wanted to do. I love planning. In an instant, I am different now.

I don’t plan anymore. I just do things that I think right in a moment. Since I lost Ayumi, I stop planning. I don’t want to plan my day. I just let things happen. It seems that I am a walking zombie. Of course I tried my best not to do silly things that can affect other people.

I realized that I will stop planning because we really don’t know what will happen next. Because of what happened, I realized that I should live one day at a time. Before when I read that phrase, I don’t really get it. I don’t get it how people live one day at a time but now I truly understand them.

Some friends are asking always, “How’s your day?”

Well, I am in so much pain but I am trying to live each day with that pain in me. I don’t want to show to people that I am still hurting but I know I can’t hide it.

I am now back on track, well I hope so. I am now working again. I am now in the office almost everyday, but most of the time I am wondering about her. Everytime I checked FB and saw cute babies and cute clothes for her age, I feel like buying it and then it hit me that she can’t wear it anymore. That is the hardest part.

Everytime I go out, and saw kids in her age, I feel sad but I love to see them playing and full of life and I wish that Ayumi is happy wherever she is right now.

Everyday, is a battle to survive this pain. I hope that Ayumi will guide me in this battle that I will never ever win.

 

I miss you Ayumi!

 

Love,

 

Mommy

 

 

A Child Loaned

 

A Child Loaned

“I’ll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine.” HE said.
“For you to love the while she lives
And mourn for when she’s dead.
It may be six or seven year
Or twenty-two or three
But will you, till I call her back
Take care of her for Me?
She’ll bring her charms to gladden you
And should her stay be brief,
You’ll have her lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want the child to learn.
I’ve looked this wide world over
In my search for teacher’s true,
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give her all your love,
Nor think the labor vain
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take her back again?

I fancied that I heard them say,
“Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we’ll run.
We’ll shelter her with tenderness,
We’ll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we’ve known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.”
– Edward A. Guest

Trying Moments

Everyday is a new day, without you is like dreaming. Everything seems so unreal. It is always a struggle to start a new day. No matter how the sun shines every morning, it seems that I don’t appreciate it anymore. When the sun goes down and it’s time for me to sleep, I always see to it that I am so exhausted so that I can go to bed soundly but in the middle of the night I woke up and wondering where you are. It seems that I have a bad dream without you lying next to me.

Sometimes, I don’t feel your presence anymore, maybe because you are already busy doing your new role up above. I hope that in everyday you will visit me and whisper me ones again your love. I need your hugs and kisses so that I can continue living my life. I need it so badly to move on. Please don’t go so fast… I miss you everyday!

 

 

Missing Her so Much!

There are moments in my life that I just hugged her and wish that very moment that it will be like that forever because it seems so perfect. I love waking up every morning with her around, singing and greet me a good morning. I love going home because she is waiting for me and I can’t wait to hear her stories. She used to tell stories about her day. She is just 2 years old but she loves telling stories, one word at a time. I just love connecting those words until I can truly understand her stories.

It’s been a month! Yes, a month without those stories, giggles, hugs and kisses. One month without those and everyday is really hard! I miss her so much and sometimes I wish to never wake up because I want to be with her. I want to be in a place where she is right now.

Mornings are empty! Life has no directions. Sometimes I wish to stop time. Sometimes I wish that everything is just a dream. I wish to wake up with her next to me. I wish to hear her sing and dance. I miss everything about her.

Today, I realized I should stop wishing. Stop wishing to turn back time. Stop wishing that everything is just a dream. I don’t want to do that anymore because the more I wish, the more it become painful.

Maybe, I should get to used having this pain. I should live each day with this pain inside of me. I know that no matter what I do, no one can heal me. No one can explain why things happened. No one!  But I have faith… faith that someday, after all when I am done here on earth, I will see her again then we will continue telling stories. Maybe by that time, she has a lot of stories to tell. Maybe I can spend the whole day listening to her. Maybe that will be a perfect time for us. Maybe in that moment, no one can separate us. No sickness can separate us.

Until then baby!

 

 

Bereaved Mother

 

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,

but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

–Author Unknown

Promises Kept

I’ve kept my promise,
of what I would do.
To continue to live,
my life without you.

I get up each morning,
I get through the day
struggling past tears,
every step of the way.

I go on with life with,
a forced happy face.
My heart aches badly,
for what I can’t replace.

I don’t know what to do,
to deaden this pain
It’s so hard, here without you,
where I must remain.

But I will keep my promise
and I must believe,
That you’ll be there waiting,
when it’s my time to leave.
-unknown

She is Gone

Photo: She Is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she’s gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

-David Harkins, © 1981

 

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she’s gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

-David Harkins, © 1981

One Month

It’s been a month baby since we parted. Though you are not with us physically, I believe that you are just around, just one breath away. You are truly our angel. I miss you so much! I love you forever!