Random Thoughts

Yesterday, I went to my eldest son’s school. I choose to be with him at least a week so that I have updates of his school performance. So far he is doing great at school. Lately, I observed that he is more sweet and more aware of the things happening in the household.  Sometimes he keeps on checking her sister pictures and videos and it made smile because I know that he misses her sister.  After his class, we had our dinner. Usually we are four and now we are just three. There is empty space in the table.

Then we went to department store and there I saw pink clothes for Ayumi. I can’t help but feel sad. I keep on touching the clothes and wishes to buy it but she can’t wear it anymore so I stop myself and headed to the other section of the department store. I also wanted to buy new toys but I control myself. I can’t do it anymore. It’s been 3 months since I never go shopping for toys and kids clothes. I don’t want to stay longer in the mall because it really breaks my heart. I used to buy two items for the girl and the boy and now it feels so different.

When I was about to sleep, I feel the pain again. I miss her so much. There is emptiness. I wanted to hug her and smell again. I slept with tears and I wish to God that all of this is just a bad dream.

My life is way different now. I am happy at the same time sad. I am thankful for the blessings that keeps coming my way but I also wish that I still have my daughter with me.

Sooner, I will be opening a foundation in my daughter’s name and I hope in my little way, I can extend help and I hope that my little Ayumi will feel good about it.

(Me and hubby)

 

I Love You

I love you to the moon and back

 

 

I miss you so much baby!

I dream of you last night but I can’t remember all the details but I know that you are happy and I feel good when I woke up.

I love you very much!

 

Love,

 

Mommy

Touching Poem

I read grieving books and when I read about this poem, it helps me understand why my Little Ayumi leave us so soon.

Dearest Mommy

 

When you wonder the meaning of life and love

Know that I am with you,

Close your eyes and feel me kissing you

in the gentle breeze across your cheek.

 

When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again

Quiet your mind and hear me,

I am in the whisper of the heavens

Speaking of your love.

 

When you lose your identity

When you question who you are and where you are going,

Open your heart and see me.

I am the twinkle in the stars smiling down upon you,

Lighting the path for your journey.

 

When you awaken each morning

Not remembering your dreams

But feeling content and serene

Know that I was with you —

Filling your night with thoughts of me

 

When you linger in the remnant pain

Wholeness seeming so unfamiliar

Think of me and

Know that I am with you,

Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend

Easing the pain

 

As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky

In the breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit

Think of our time, all too brief, but ever brilliant.

When you were certain of us, together

When you were certain of your destiny

 

Know that God created that moment in time,

Just for us

Dearest Mommy, I am with you always.

 

– Joanne Cacciatore

SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE

 

IT HURTS SO MUCH TO KNOW
WE’LL NEVER SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN
WE’LL NEVER GIVE YOU HUGS
WE’LL NEVER TOUCH YOUR SKIN
WE’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY
IT WAS SO HARD FOR YOU TO TRY
WE’LL NEVER HEAR YOUR VOICE
OR GET TO SAY GOODBYE
IT’S SO HARD JUST TO BEGIN
TO UNDERSTAND YOUR CHOICE
OH GOD WHAT I WOULD GIVE
TO HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE
LIFE’S SO HARD WITHOUT YOU
WE DIDNT HAVE A CLUE
ABOUT ALL THE PAIN THAT YOU WERE IN
SO UNHAPPY AND SO BLUE
GROWING UP IS ALWAYS HARD
FOR SOME, HARDER THAN OTHERS
BUT LIFE WILL BE EVEN HARDER NOW
FOR YOUR SISTERS AND YOUR BROTHERS
WE HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU
GO ON WITH EVERY DAY
AND KEEP YOUR MEMORY ALIVE WITH US
SO PAINFUL IN EVERY WAY
IT’S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE
I DONT WANT TO EVEN TRY
I’M JEALOUS OF ALL THE ANGELS
CAUSE YOU’RE SITTING BY THEIR SIDE
WE’LL SEE YOU AGAIN IN HEAVEN
IT WON’T SEEM SOON ENOUGH
OH BABY GIRL WHY’D YOU LEAVE US
LIFE WITHOUT YOU IS JUST TOO TOUGH

Miyo M Cox

My Little Ayumi

 

I went to Angel shop yesterday because I always wanted to have angel. I am very particular on what I want. I wanted an angel that looks like her then I saw this cute angel, that reminds me on how my little Ayumi sleeps. 🙂

My Loves

Here’s the pic collage of my loves. Gareth misses you sooo much Ayumi. I hope you have a good time always and please watch your kuya always. We love you so much baby!

 

Feeling of a Brother

I love posting of my kids pictures whenever they are together but sadly I can’t post it anymore. Gareth loves to browse Ayumi’s pictures on my iPad. I know in my heart that he misses her sister so much. Gareth is a special child and eventhough he is like that I know that he is affected and it hurts me so much because he can’t even express his feelings. The pain I feel everytime Gareth is looking for her sister is unbearable.

When we visit Ayumi’s grave with Gareth, he just stare at the picture of Ayumi and I don’t know if he understand the whole thing. In our house, we hide all Ayumi’s pictures because everytime Gareth saw it, he scream, cries and shout “baby!”

Now that it was taken, he is not shouting anymore but loves to browse the pictures of her sister on my iPad and iPhone. I hope someday Gareth can express his feelings because it worries me a lot.

 

Staying at Home

I decided to stay at home today because the nanny needs to leave early so I am here taking care of my eldest son. He keeps on singing while watching TV. My nephew is also here so the house is noisy and I love it. I love listening to them while they are playing and even when they are fighting or having tantrums.

I hate staying at home for long because of the happy memories we have here with Pillow but there are moments that I want to stay here and this is one of those days that it feels so good to stay at home. I am happy that today was not like yesterday. I woke up happy and with positive attitude.

This is going to be a great day!