Category: Ayumi

Yes, I really don’t know how to celebrate her birthday and I’m not feeling okay. I had asthma attack for 2 days already. I am sneezing the whole time and I have a hard time breathing due to my cough. I can’t even go out yet because I still had fever.

So we ended up ordering Jollibee and watching her birthday videos. I am just thankful that I have those videos taken during her birthdays kasi kung wala malamang pictures lang ang tinititigan namin.

We still make it happy…

We enjoy watching her old videos.

Yes, living each day at a time… that’s what I did when I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m glad that with God’s mercy I get through it.

There are some days that I don’t know how to function but when that time comes, I just let myself drown into that feeling. I just let myself feel everything because I know that eventually I will get up and go on again. Eventually I will go out and face the world again. It’s gonna be a roller coaster ride and I don’t know when it will be over but I am just riding it anyway. Just go with the flow… that’s life.

I still clearly remember the day I first heard you cry… and I cherished it so much! Today we supposed to be celebrating your 7th birthday but without you, I don’t really know how to celebrate your day. I’m feeling down today and I’m not in the mood of doing anything! We just opted of watching your birthday videos and order Jollibee. Because in reality when it comes to you I know I will never get over it. Most of the times I just let Daddy decides because in this very moment I am totally at lost.

Last night hubby got a chance to check his videos archive and we happened to watch again some of the videos of Ayumi. We laugh a lot everytime we saw her kakulitans. We remember how lucky we are to have a daughter like her. We are so lucky that though it is just quick we have her and we share those wonderful moments. But  at the end of it all, I miss her so much and still wishes that she is still with us.

She must be 6 years old now and I only have those thinking on how she will be at 6 years old. How’s our life if she is still with us? I have so many questions but I know in time I will have my answers. Someday… someday will know.

I am still grieving..

I thought that pain will just go away.. but I realized that it never went away, it is just inside of me. I just keep it, hiding deep inside of me.

There were days that when I woke up and every detailed of what happened keeps on flashing infront of me. I wanted to scream! I wanted to run and get away to all of this.. but I know that I can’t escape this pain.

Pain will be forever deep inside of me so all I have to do is live with it. I will just hide the pain inside of me…  eternally.

Life is quite okay now.. There are so many things going on. Actually, wonderful things… I am happy with it. I am grateful for all the blessings but I just can’t deny the fact that I am still grieving. It will always be like this…

I will always like this… no matter what.. even life will shower me with everything, my life will never be complete. I will never feel that complete happiness ever!

Because of what happened, because I lost her… maybe that is the reason why I am more passionate in everything I am doing. I have an instant connection with the people around me. I am now more sensitive to the needs of others. I am more careful of my decisions. Well, that is maybe the lessons of everything.

Xavier will be turning 2 years old next month and maybe this is the reason why I am quite emotional lately. I lost Ayumi when she was 2 years old and 3 months. I am quite emotional. So many thoughts are going on my mind right now. There are a lot and I am hoping that I will be fine soon.

I just can’t believe that everything seems happening so fast. I can’t believe that I experienced lost that is too hard to deal. I really can’t believe that I am in this dimension and experienced all at the same time.

Bittersweet indeed!

I happened to check my old files while cleaning up my things and I found these…

My 2010 Planner..

When I opened it, I got these.

Yes it’s still hurts. It hurt so much that I am just used to it. I am living with that pain now and I don’t know if it will ever go away.

I saw her Baptism invitations and some airline tickets it made me realize that I miss her so much! I really wish that she is still with us. I really wish that Ayumi and Xavier meet and play together.

I even saw her old shoes that I secretly hide. I even smelled it and it just break my heart so much!

Sometimes I thought that pain was gone but it will never be. It just inside of me… hiding!

Jan. 3, 2015

It’s the 3rd Year Angel Anniversary of Ayumi and it still feels like yesterday. I miss her everyday! There are days that I woke up and looking for her. That feeling when you know that you missed someone so much and don’t know how to deal with it… well I always had that feeling and when it strike, I just go out and pray so hard. I look around and just appreciate what I have and not deal much of what I don’t have.

I don’t feel good that day but I forced myself to get up and visit Ayumi’s place. We had our take out order of Jollibee and had our lunch at her place.

We also offer her favorite spaghetti.

It’s been 3 years and though the pain subside, I still have some unanswered questions but I just let it be by now. I am always wondering about our life if Ayumi is still with us. I am wondering how we have our conversation. I wonder how she will look like. I have this endless thoughts about her…

Maybe I will be like this until my last breath and be united with her again.

For now, I will just live my life, live the best as I can. I know that she is with us always, guiding and protecting us.