Grieving Mom – Page 2

New Normal

I really don’t know on how to start this post but I just need to put this one here…

For the past weeks, I am not really okay, many would think that I should be happy but really, I am happy for what’s going on with my life right now and I really appreciate it but there are things in life that you still feel that emptiness despite of what you have because you know deep inside of you that you can’t have that one thing you ever wish for.

There are moments when I woke up and I thought that I have a great day, then suddenly something from my past keeps on replaying. That hospital scene during Ayumi’s last hours keeps on replaying.. and while it happen I wanted to scream and cry but I can’t make it. I don’t know how to react! It just keeps playing until I got tired and numb then I just go on with my daily activity. That’s how usually my day starts.

So many great things are going on right now particularly in our business but behind all of this is a feeling of lost and emptiness. It is going to be like this and maybe this is what they called the New Normal and I am embracing it now. Maybe I should get used to this feeling, maybe I should get used to this nightmare and I just hope that my body and the whole system will go with the flow and it will make me feel better.

Worst

Losing a child unexpectedly trumps all other losses. I experienced multiple losses of loved ones, but the death of your child is the worst.:

When I lost Ayumi, it was the worst pain ever!

I still remember that time when I keep on saying to hubby “grabe ang sakit sakit naman nito.. parang hindi natatapos ang sakit, sobrang sakit na parang hindi kayang ipaliwanag ng isip, na parang may nawala na parte ng puso ko.” Sobrang sakit na wala ka ng maiiyak dahil sa sobrang sakit, dahil hindi mo na rin alam kung papano iexplain ang sakit.

Ngayon masakit pa rin. I woke up wondering how I really survived. Hindi nawala ang pain, nasanay na lang akong mabuhay na dala dala ang pain. I really don’t know if this is what you call survival but I must say that I’m just living one day at a time. There are days that I wish so hard that she is still with us. Xavier is growing so fast and I can’t control myself, if only Ayumi is still with us, siguro mas masaya. Siguro may kalaro si Xavier at sana mawitness ko kung paano ba maging ate si Ayumi. Ang daming tanong.. ang dami ko sanang gustong maexperience na kasama sya.. pero hindi na hinayaan ng pagkakataon na mangyari.

Maybe God has a reason and until now I still don’t understand the mystery why He let me experienced that pain but I believe in Him. I believe that He knew better.

Yes.. I am forever grieving and forever enduring this worst feeling!

Affected

As I am writing this one, I am in tears.

I am following the story of Catie through Facebook and I am praying so hard for her recovery but when I woke up today, I found out that she is gone.

I am really affected!

I know the feeling of losing a child. I know how hard it is to the parents to understand. When I lost Ayumi, I prayed that no parents will ever feel the way I feel. It was the worst feeling ever. Looking back, I really don’t know how I made it. I really don’t know how I survived but believe it was not easy!

Grieving for a child is really hard to deal and you don’t know when it will be over. As I am checking the FB Page of Catie, I was crying the whole time because she don’t deserved that pain but I know that God has a better plan for her and for her parents. We really don’t know the reason of it all but I believe that someday we will.

Rest in Peace Catie, I hope you and Ayumi will meet in Heaven.

Still…

I am still grieving..

I thought that pain will just go away.. but I realized that it never went away, it is just inside of me. I just keep it, hiding deep inside of me.

There were days that when I woke up and every detailed of what happened keeps on flashing infront of me. I wanted to scream! I wanted to run and get away to all of this.. but I know that I can’t escape this pain.

Pain will be forever deep inside of me so all I have to do is live with it. I will just hide the pain inside of me… eternally.

Life is quite okay now.. There are so many things going on. Actually, wonderful things… I am happy with it. I am grateful for all the blessings but I just can’t deny the fact that I am still grieving. It will always be like this…

I will always like this… no matter what.. even life will shower me with everything, my life will never be complete. I will never feel that complete happiness ever!

Because of what happened, because I lost her… maybe that is the reason why I am more passionate in everything I am doing. I have an instant connection with the people around me. I am now more sensitive to the needs of others. I am more careful of my decisions. Well, that is maybe the lessons of everything.

Xavier will be turning 2 years old next month and maybe this is the reason why I am quite emotional lately. I lost Ayumi when she was 2 years old and 3 months. I am quite emotional. So many thoughts are going on my mind right now. There are a lot and I am hoping that I will be fine soon.

I just can’t believe that everything seems happening so fast. I can’t believe that I experienced lost that is too hard to deal. I really can’t believe that I am in this dimension and experienced all at the same time.

Bittersweet indeed!

My Real Feeling…

Something…

I happened to check my old files while cleaning up my things and I found these…

My 2010 Planner..

When I opened it, I got these.

Yes it’s still hurts. It hurt so much that I am just used to it. I am living with that pain now and I don’t know if it will ever go away.

I saw her Baptism invitations and some airline tickets it made me realize that I miss her so much! I really wish that she is still with us. I really wish that Ayumi and Xavier meet and play together.

I even saw her old shoes that I secretly hide. I even smelled it and it just break my heart so much!

Sometimes I thought that pain was gone but it will never be. It just inside of me… hiding!

3rd Year Angel Anniversary

Jan. 3, 2015

It’s the 3rd Year Angel Anniversary of Ayumi and it still feels like yesterday. I miss her everyday! There are days that I woke up and looking for her. That feeling when you know that you missed someone so much and don’t know how to deal with it… well I always had that feeling and when it strike, I just go out and pray so hard. I look around and just appreciate what I have and not deal much of what I don’t have.

I don’t feel good that day but I forced myself to get up and visit Ayumi’s place. We had our take out order of Jollibee and had our lunch at her place.

We also offer her favorite spaghetti.

It’s been 3 years and though the pain subside, I still have some unanswered questions but I just let it be by now. I am always wondering about our life if Ayumi is still with us. I am wondering how we have our conversation. I wonder how she will look like. I have this endless thoughts about her…

Maybe I will be like this until my last breath and be united with her again.

For now, I will just live my life, live the best as I can. I know that she is with us always, guiding and protecting us.

4 Years Ago

Okay, Facebook has this thing that will show you some memories and today I got this.

This was taken when we first visited Hongkong Disneyland. It was fun and we had a great time. It was our first out of the country trip with Ayumi and Gareth.

When hubby talked about it, we are both not yet ready to go back to any Disneyland. I think we will not be ready unless Xavier will request it in the future.

The truth is, there are so many places that we really can’t go back yet. We are trying to avoid some places that has remarkable memories of Ayumi. It is just we are not yet ready and I don’t know if there are comes a time that we will be ready. I just can’t even mentioned it here because just by thinking about it are making me sad.

That’s it…

This just sums it up perfectly. I have lost some pretty amazing people from my life. It never goes away. I will never be the same for having known them, and I cannot wait to see them again when my time on Earth is done.:

Remembering Papa and Ayumi

Walang araw na hindi ko naiisip si Papa at si Ayumi. Everyday I wish that they are still with us. Sana kasama ko pa rin si Papa at nakasama syang naenjoy ang success ko ngayon. Sana andito pa rin sya para makita nya na marunong na akong magdrive at may sarili na akong bahay. Sana kasama ko pa rin sya at nakita nya kung paano ako dumidiskarte sa buhay ko ngayon. Sana kasama ko sya at siguro mas masaya kung andito sya. Siguro mas masaya kaming magkapatid kung kasama namin sya sa bawat lakad namin.

Marami akong namimiss sa kanya kahit na nong bata pa ako ay hindi kami closed kasi very strict sya. Namiss ko ang mga kwentuhan namin at syempre ang mga luto nya.

Pero kahit na hindi namin sya kasama, alam ko naman na sya ang gumabay sa aming magkapatid. Sya ang kasama ko palagi para maging iisa kaming magkapatid. Sa ngayon, masaya na rin siguro sya kasi hindi kami watak watak. Kahit papano nagkaroon ng direction ang mga buhay ng mga kapatid ko. Masaya sya kasi nagawa ko ang gusto nyang sama sama kami. Alam ko masaya na sya at alam ko na hindi nya kami pababayaan.

Kapag ganitong Undas, mahirap talaga sa akin ang dalawin si Ayumi. Kasi diba mas dapat mauna ang magulang na mawala at hindi ang anak ang mauuna sa magulang. Sobrang effort sa akin ang puntahan sya kasi masakit pa rin talaga. Tatlong Undas na pala…

Hindi ko akalain kung papano ako nakasurvived sa pagkawala nya. Hindi ko alam kung natanggap ko na ba talaga… hindi pa rin siguro…

Kapag nanghihina ako, tinitingnan ko na lang si Gareth at Xavier. They are the reasons why I am still here. They are the reasons why I need to stay strong.