Category: Ayumi

August 3, 2015

 

Five years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Ayumi.

Then… I don’t know anymore what to write here…

For quite sometime I am contemplating for her upcoming birthday. I was planning if I have to do the same as last year, like having balloons and cakes and we stayed at the cemetery for hours. Then I realized… I should stop doing that thing ever…

I don’t want to do it because it hurts me more. I think I should give myself a chance to move on. It is also unfair to my kids if they keep on seeing me so sad since they are already doing their best to make me happy. Even if I will do it over and over again, she will not be going back to us. I really can’t do anything anymore but to accept the fact that I have a new life to deal with right now but it doesn’t mean that I forgotten her. Of course, there was never a day that I stop thinking of her and wishing so hard that she is still with us.

But lately, I just realized that I am tired already. I am tired of feeling the loneliness and sadness. It’s been almost 3 years and I think I should start focusing on the most important things in life right now. I need to focus on the things that I can control and not on the things that I can’t. I am just tired and I guess I’ve given so much time for grieving. I learn to accept now that I have nothing left to do but to let it go.

So today, we visited her place and offer flowers, candles and prayers. I wanted to celebrate her birthday in a very positive way. We went to Tagaytay and just enjoy the view.

Then we saw this:

It was a big and beautiful. It was my first time to saw that kind butterfly.

I know that she is in a better place already and I am thankful that she is still watching over us.

 

Sometimes I don’t want to watch the news anymore because it just made me sad. I checked my FB news feed and sometimes I don’t like what’s in there…

I just wish that we are living in a happy world… but we are not…

Because in a reality… maraming sakit..

In the past few days, I read and follow the case of Jam Sebastian of Jamich. When I heard about his sickness last year I really wish that he will survive, but he just passed away last Wednesday.

I know the feeling na mawalan ng anak. Alam ko na mas mahirapan ang mommy nya sa situation na to. Alam ko yong feeling na parang ninakawan ka ng taong pinakamamahal mo. Alam ko yong feeling na paggising mo parang hindi mo alam kung saan ka mag uumpisa. Alam ko yong feeling na parang may parte sa puso mo na nawala. Alam ko yong feeling na parang may malaking butas sa puso mo na kahit sinong tao ay hindi kayang palitan yon. Alam ko yong feeling na gusto mo pang lumaban pero kahit anong gawin mong laban ay wala ka ng magagawa. Surrender na dapat.

Yong feeling na wala ka ng maiiyak kasi tuyong tuyo na talaga. Yong feeling na parang lutang ka na lang, wala ka ng direction sa buhay. Lahat yan naranasan ko at sana lang wala ng magulang na katulad ang makaexperience na mawalan ng anak dahil sobrang sakit talaga. Sakit na kahit kailan hindi ko maipaliwanag. Na kahit hanggang ngayon ay nararamdaman ko pa rin.

Minsan paggising ko, yon agad ang nararamdaman ko. Lahat ng mga nangyari kay Ayumi ay bumabalik sa akin. Na parang gusto kong sabihin sa sarili ko na hindi yon nangyari pero paano ko maideny eh ramdam na ramdam ko ang sakit. Kapag may nakikita akong bata na sana kasing edad na nya ay naiisip ko agad sya. Iniisip ko kung ano na kaya sya ngayon, ano na kaya ang mga nasasabi nya. Ano na kaya ang mga hilig nya? Maging favorite din ba nya ang Frozen? Kakantahin din ba nya ang theme song non? Siguro nag aaral na sya? Ano kaya ang mga kwento nya sa akin?

Marami.. sobrang dami ko pa sanang gustong maexperience na kasama sya at yon ang pinagkait sa aming mga magulang na nawalan ng anak. Yon ang experience na gusto naming maranasan pero hindi na, malamang hanggang pangarap na lang.

Ok ka na? Yan ang palagi kong naririnig na tanong sa akin. I just say yes…  Yes, dahil ayoko ng magpaliwanag kung ano ba talaga ang nangyayari sa akin. Yes, dahil sawa na akong magkwento. Yes, dahil ayokong magkwento ng malungkot at baka sabihan lang ako ng “good vibes” lang sana.  Yes, dahil minsan ako pa ang nangangapa sa mga taong kaharap ko kung ready ba silang makinig sa kwento ko. Yes, dahil yan ang gustong marinig nila sa akin.

Madaling magpakita na okay ka na. Pero may mga araw din na ayoko ng magpaka okay. Minsan I give myself a chance to be sad, dahil alam kong kailangan nya yon. Dahil alam ko na kailangan ng sarili ko na maramdaman yon at most of the time, dapat mag isa lang ako dahil ayokong may ibang tao maapektuhan dahil sa mood ko.

Yan ang totoo…

I pray so hard this time to those who also lost a child, I hope that in time we will find out why it happened to us and I hope God will give us more strength to accept the things we can’t control.

God bless everyone!

 

 

I am so afraid of touching my things from the past coz’ I might saw something that will affect my mood. That will stop me from doing what I am doing and just remember the past.

Today, I happened to hold my old planner. My 2010 planner when Ayumi was born. It made me remember how I plan everything and how busy I was with my work.

 

I saw this baby checklist that I needed to purchase for her arrival. It just made me realized that I prepare so much for her. I am always like this when a new baby is coming. I prepare everything, just like when Gareth, Ayumi and Xavier. Pareho ang preparation sa kanilang tatlo. Dahil parehong excited ako.

 

I saw Gareth and Ayumi’s baptism invitation. It made me feel sad… really sad. haist!

I also saw our airfare tickets. Infant pa dito si Ayumi, siguro eto yong nagpunta kami sa Bohol, her first ever trip.

 

I wish she is still with us. I wish to experience life with her. I just miss her! I really do.

 

Jan. 3, 2015

Days before the anniversary, I was not feeling good. I don’t like going out. I just stayed the whole time in the bedroom. I don’t feel like facing people. Going out was a struggle. I don’t even want to watch tv or play with the kids. I wanted to be alone.

When the day came, the Jan. 3, 2015, around 1pm we went to her place. We bought flowers and balloons which my sister ordered the day before. We ordered KFC chicken just in case we wanted to eat at the cemetery. I don’t know, but I don’t feel that down that day. I woke up happy and that I can’t explain. I know that Ayumi is working so hard to make me feel good. I was the last one who get up to prepare and everyone was waiting for me. They know how hard it is for me to celebrate that day. They know how hard for me to drag myself for this event. The event that I don’t want to celebrate but I have to, to honor my daughter.

It was indeed a miracle that I made it without the feeling of so down. I was happy that day and I am thankful for Ayumi. She is really a great help.

I had fun with the balloons with Xavier. 

One day, I will tell the story to Xavier. One day he will understand why we are doing this. One day I will tell him about Ayumi…

Hubby distributing the balloons. 

We were ready to let go of the balloons. It is our love for Ayumi to Heaven.

They waited me to let go of my balloon first and then everyone followed. 🙂

Sending our love to her…

I still wish to have her with us. I never stop wishing… I know one day we will be together again and when that time comes, I will ask her why she gone so soon. I know there might be a reason for it but I still want to hear it from her.

 

 

This is the second time I celebrate Halloween without Ayumi and because of that I don’t have any plans anymore of letting Gareth and Xavier join any Treat or Trick. I don’t know but I am not as excited as before. I don’t feel good about it anymore. I don’t see any sense of it just like before. Maybe someday, this will change, if Xavier will requests to join a Treat or Trick. Just… maybe…

Hubby and I visit “Ayumi’s place” around 3pm. It was raining earlier but the weather turns out good when we reached her place. We offer flowers and candle and say a prayer. I really wish it was not this way. I should not be the one visiting my daughter during this time. She should be the one who will put me in that grave but it’s the other way around. That is the reason why I am so down during this moment.

I never stop thinking of her. I never stop dreaming to have her again. I want her back. I really do…

 

 

 

Ayumi…. I will carry you with me till’ I see you again.

 

I miss you so much…