Angel Ayumi’s Wellness Spa Antipolo Branch Grand Opening

September 18, 2014

Finally, we had our grand opening. I was preparing for it since last month and I feel good that finally my new branch is finally ready. πŸ™‚

It was very tiring but everything is so worth it.

So if you are from Antipolo, Rizal feel free to visit my spa.

 

 

 

 

 

By opening a new branch, I extend help more. I am happy that I got a chance to help others. By naming the spa to Ayumi is my little way of honoring her. πŸ™‚

All Glory to God.

 

If you are interested to visit our Spa please visit our FB Page: Angel Ayumi’s Wellness Spa.

4th Birthday…

August 3

It’s Ayumi’s 4th birthday but I really don’t know what to do. The night before her birthday I was really crying. I miss her so much.

We went to her place and offer her a black forest cake (her favorite) and juice. We also bought balloons.

It is a sad birthday because the celebrant is not here.

 

—————

Four years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby. After 2 years she went Home to Heaven. There are so many things I wish to do with her but all I have right now is those wonderful memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

No enough words can express how much I miss her…
The pain is still here to endure for the rest of my life and I know that it will stay like this forever.

Happy birthday Ayumi! Thank you for letting me feel your love. YouIMG_1809 are truly our angel. We love you so much!

 

IMG_2239

 

Missing Her so Much!

It’s been 1 year and 6 months since Ayumi left us. Yesterday, we visited her spot and it seems that I lost her just yesterday. Everything still seems so fresh. I still wish to have her with us. Everyday I wish to hug and kiss her. I miss her sooo much!

Maraming mga bagay ang hindi ko na maexperience kasama sya. Marami akong hindi mawitness sa kanya, like nang papasok na sya sa school. Hindi ko man lang nakita na mag uniform na sya. Siguro ang cute nya kapag mag school na sya. Hindi ko man lang nakita na magstart na syang magbasa at magsulat ng name nya. Hindi ko man lang nakita na mag perform sya sa school activities. Hindi ko man lang sya makita na kukuha na rin sya ng drivers licensed nya at mag drive ng sarili nyang sasakyan. Hindi ko man lang makita ang magiging reaction nya kung reregaluhan ko sya ng kotse sa birthday nya. Madami akong gustong mawitness… madami akong gustong maramdaman toward her pero lahat yon hindi na mangyayari. Lahat yon wala na… at kahit kailan hindi na yon mangyayari kasi wala na sya. Parang lahat about her ang bilis lang. Parang lahat minadali. Parang sa 2 years na yon pinagkasya lahat lahat, both happy and painful moments.

Last night nakatulog na lang ako, I remember talking to hubby that I miss Ayumi so much and I wanted her back.. I want her so badly. Sya ang gusto ko… then my tears flow….

Feeling Blah…

I hate it when I woke up and I feel so empty. I don’t know how to start my day. I don’t feel like doing something. You know that feeling that you miss someone but you just can’t express it freely because you know it will not change a thing. You know that you want to questions everything around you but your heart is fighting and your mind keep on reasoning and you have nothing else to do but to accept things the way they are.

You know that feeling that you are wondering what comes next… that feeling that you are afraid to get hurt but you know that it is impossible because that is really life is. One way or another we will get hurt. We will feel that pain… Β and you sometimes wish that all of this things are not real.. that the pain is just a dream. But when you wake up it is still there…

Yes, this is the moment when I miss my daughter so much and it seems that she’s really done with me. I miss her so much and I asked her to be in my dreams but I can’t remember anything about her in my dreams. Is she moved on already? Is she busy with her new life up there? Did she forgot that she has a mom here still longing for her?

If so… what else I can do?

That is the reason why I feel the emptiness and loneliness! This one of those moments that I wish all of this is just a bad dream!

I'm fine :">

Month of May…

May is almost over and we will be welcoming June. Summer in Philippines is finally over but we are still busy for the Summer in U.S.(online work). But here in the Philippines, it is summer the whole year and because of that I am not yet done for my summer getaway for the coming months.

Time flies so fast… It’s mid of the year already.

Sometimes I just wanted to cry and hold the time… it seems that people and things are keep on moving on. I feel that I lost my daughter for a while already and it seems harder this time. There are days that I miss her so much but I realized that I have nothing else to do but accept it. Maybe right now, I am on the acceptance stage, where I keep reminding myself that it’s all over and I have to let it go. Some of my old friends avoided discussing about Ayumi, I can sense that they don’t want to bring it up because it might dig my emotions and make me feel sad. The thing is, I love to talk about her and I would always love to reminisce about her but I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable so I don’t talk about it if I feel that they are not ready. Then here comes my new friends, some of them I met online or through my business. Some of them don’t really have any idea that I lost a child and when they found out, it is somewhat hard for them to believe then followed by silence.

Different reactions but it all sum up in sympathy and I appreciate it.

Maybe I am going to meet more people who will never have any idea of what I’ve been through and it is really hard for me to talk about it. Just like when Xavier has his check up, the stranger asked if Xavy has eldest siblings and when they found out that I lost her, then there was an awkward silence in the room.

Am I okay?

Yes, I am trying to be okay and now that I have Gareth and Xavier to look after, I should be okay. I should condition myself to be okay. I believe that each one of us has some extra baggage in life and it is up to us on how to carry it. Though I carry an extra heavy baggage, I can carry it well as if its part of me.

 

 

So True

Grief

This is so true. When I finally realized that I can’t have my daughter again, everything was hurt and I really can’t believe that it happened to me.

That was during the first few months…

But now, everything sink in already. Though I have a new baby already and busy caring for Xavier, there are never a day I stop wishing to have my daughter back. I miss her everyday.

There are days when I saw a girl in her age, I really can’t stop wondering how she will become if only she is with us.

The emptiness will never leave me but I will try my best to live the best life because I know someday we will be together again.

Five People You Meet in Heaven

While on a vacation, I got a chance to read this book. I just got it last weekend and this book is really nice. I got interested in this book because sometimes I also wonder, just like everyone else about our life after our lifetime here on Earth.

Upon reading the book, I wonder if Ayumi experienced it too. I wonder how she made it. I wonder how she knew about her own death. Life is really mysterious and we will understand it on a right time. On God’s perfect time.

So, if you haven’t read this book yet, give it a try. πŸ™‚

Heaven is For Real Movie

Last week, hubby and I decided to watched the movie Heaven is For Real with Xavier. When we went inside the cinema, Xavier was crying and hubby had no other choice but to go out first.

Actually, I read the book before Ayumi died but watching the movie after my daughter died is a different story. There are some events in the movie that turns back the pain. There are moments that my tears just flow freely and maybe because there are some scenes that are so the same with what we’ve been through. I like the movie, it made me realize that God take my daughter away from me not because He loves me less but because it is what it is. It is part of the plan. It is part of my life plan and my daughter’s life plan. It is a lesson that we both learned. It is a lesson for every person who got affected by her loss.

It made me feel good also that my daughter is in heaven just waiting for us and I know that she is watching over us.

But there are days that I really miss her so much. I am still checking her pictures every now and then. I still feel sad. I still wish that she is still with us. I really miss her so much…

Sometimes, it is really hard to process my feelings. I know that I should focus on what I have now and not on what was taken away from me but this is the reality. I just can’t set aside my feelings because of what I have now. I just hope that someday, I will truly move on… but for now, I will take it one day at a time. If I don’t feel good, I will definitely feel it. I don’t want to deny my real feelings. I don’t want to show that I am okay but deep inside I am not.

3rd Floor

I have my appointment with my OB yesterday but before she let me have my usual check up she asked me to drop by at 3rd floor first to discuss with me about anesthesia. So, when I went to the hospital at around 1pm we went to 3rd floor right away. I stayed less than 30 minutes to Anesthesiologist room since they inform me the upcoming procedure of my CS operation. They also checked my vital signs and everything is normal. So, when we went out to the room and headed to the elevator, I told hubby that I wanted to use the rest room first and when I checked the restroom sign to my surprise I saw the sign “Intensive Care Unit”. My heart stopped beating for a while and I was so shocked! Everything that happen inside that Unit was replaying in my mind in an instant. I really cannot handle it so well and before I knew it, I am crying and I wanted to shout. The pain hit me again! Over and over again!

Yes, I forgot the floor where ICU was located during our stay in the hospital when we brought Ayumi to the hospital. I forgot how it looks like. I forgot some small details but never will I ever forget all the important small details about that room. Until now, I can still remember how her vital signs went crazy. I still remember the numbers. I still remember the constant announcement of codes and the times when they are calling the different specialist to check on my daughter. Yes, everything is still clear to me but I forgot the exact floor where the ICU located.

After I broke out into tears, hubby told me that when my OB requested us to visit 3rd floor, he is hoping that I won’t see the sign. He is hoping that I will notice everything. He’s also shocked to see my reaction. All he could do is to comfort me. I am really so thankful to have him because he really knows how to control me and to keep me calm all the time.

When we left that place, my heart was still so heavy. I really can’t stop crying. I realized that it is still part of moving on process. I need to expose myself to some situation like this.

It was so hard to experience such loss but I believe someday I will get through this.