Last Monday was so toxic. I was so worried because Gareth has high fever. So hubby decided to bring him to the hospital. Yes, since what happened to Ayumi, we are always paranoid when Gareth is sick. We really can’t sleep well. I keep on monitoring his temperature and even though we keep on giving him medicine, his fever is still not going down.
While they are at the hospital, I really can’t rest. I keep on thinking of Gareth. Gareth is crying because I am not with them. But I keep on calling him and assure him that everything will be alright. I am 8 months pregnant and I really can’t be with them because it is really hard for me to walk. My tummy is so heavy already. I was crying when they left. That’s how trauma works.
Sometimes I just control my emotions. It seems that the pain will just attack me anytime, either I am ready or not. But, most of the time I am trying to be positive. I am really trying to fight for it. There are times I fail and sometimes succeeded but I think the best help for me is to continue praying. I always ask the guidance of the Holy Spirit to help me manage my emotions.
Then, I got this one and it really helps me a lot.
I just love this song “Hope We Meet Again” – by Pitbull
Specially the following lines:
We could be anywhere tonight
Could be right here underneath the lights
I see the colours in your eyes
Beautiful rainbows all around us
We got the whole world in our hands
This is the night we won’t forget
Whatever happens in the end
I just hope, I hope we meet again
If you have a child who has autism, you will definitely be amazed. I am glad that Gareth is improving. His teachers are telling us how Gareth follows simple instructions. He is now learning to write.
I also downloaded stories and games in my iPad and Gareth loves to watch and play it and he can now memorize the stories. I am so proud of him. I am also very thankful that he is showing little improvement. I am thankful to God for everything. I believe that Gareth can catch up, I know he can do it. I believe in God that He will heal my little one.
We are also doing our best to give him that can help his development. We also continue his therapy and we will never stop giving to him what is best for him.
Just the other night, when Gareth is about to sleep, he come to me and whisper “I love you”, it simply made me happy and his Daddy has teary eyed. Those are just his simple gestures but it is a big thing for us.
I will definitely give all my best to take care of him and give him all that he needs.
Sometimes, I wonder how come I woke up feeling so refresh and it seems that everything is okay. So last night, I finally knew. The moment I close my eyes I saw a child. I don’t know the gender yet but looks like me when I was young. In my dreams, it started like a baby then turn into a toddler and it seems that I have a great time with the baby. It made me feel good. I am happy. I am contented.
That is maybe the reason why I woke up happy. I’m glad that even in my dreams I have a new baby. I am excited to have a baby again but maybe not so soon. I just can’t have it soon. I know right time will come. I need to heal myself first and I hope that God will grant me a new gift that will stay with me until me and hubby will get old.
Sometimes, I am so afraid to hope for something good. I don’t know but this is the feeling I got everytime I want to hope for something. My life is full of fear right now. I don’t know but there are days that the grieving period is really a big impact in my life. It really affects on how I manage my life right now. I don’t know but sometimes it seems that I can’t find happiness in everything I see.
I make effort to do my best. To be the best as I can but there are really moments that I don’t even know if I am doing the right thing.
One thing that made me feel happy today is my son Gareth. We stayed in our room for a long time and we just hug each other. We play a lot. I love to tickle him and he keeps on singing me “Learn to Love Again. I know that is Gareth’s message for me. One thing that really breaks my heart is that Gareth who is autistic is really don’t know how to express himself about the lost of Ayumi. He just spent time browsing the pictures of her sister and I know he is wondering where her sister now. I really give all my best to explain to him everything but I don’t know if he got it.
I also realized that I have to give my attention to Gareth. He needed us more because of his condition and I am glad that I have him. I love hugging him at night. I know that I should be kissing two kids at night and now I only have one and it really breaks my heart but I am still thankful that I have Gareth. Gareth is the reason why I am still holding on. I know he needed me more.
I am also happy that hubby is trying to open his feelings about grieving. I know the right time will come that we will be heal. For now we are both crying silently at night while talking about our little Ayumi. He is always with me when I don’t know anymore on how to deal this pain. I am so glad that I have him. He is my strength.
I think I should not dwell much on the pain. I know that this pain will be here forever but I will not let this pain overshadow the things that I should appreciate.
When weekend comes, I just don’t like it after I lost my daughter because that is the time that I can’t help thinking of her all day long. I miss her more during weekends. Today is supposed to be our time to go out and just go around the city because I hate staying at home every weekend because I don’t want to feel sad, but today is different, we stay because we have so much things to do. I love it and hopefully I will get use to this new normal.