Last week, hubby and I decided to watched the movie Heaven is For Real with Xavier. When we went inside the cinema, Xavier was crying and hubby had no other choice but to go out first.
Actually, I read the book before Ayumi died but watching the movie after my daughter died is a different story. There are some events in the movie that turns back the pain. There are moments that my tears just flow freely and maybe because there are some scenes that are so the same with what we’ve been through. I like the movie, it made me realize that God take my daughter away from me not because He loves me less but because it is what it is. It is part of the plan. It is part of my life plan and my daughter’s life plan. It is a lesson that we both learned. It is a lesson for every person who got affected by her loss.
It made me feel good also that my daughter is in heaven just waiting for us and I know that she is watching over us.
But there are days that I really miss her so much. I am still checking her pictures every now and then. I still feel sad. I still wish that she is still with us. I really miss her so much…
Sometimes, it is really hard to process my feelings. I know that I should focus on what I have now and not on what was taken away from me but this is the reality. I just can’t set aside my feelings because of what I have now. I just hope that someday, I will truly move on… but for now, I will take it one day at a time. If I don’t feel good, I will definitely feel it. I don’t want to deny my real feelings. I don’t want to show that I am okay but deep inside I am not.
