Sometimes, I wonder how come I woke up feeling so refresh and it seems that everything is okay. So last night, I finally knew. The moment I close my eyes I saw a child. I don’t know the gender yet but looks like me when I was young. In my dreams, it started like a baby then turn into a toddler and it seems that I have a great time with the baby. It made me feel good. I am happy. I am contented.
That is maybe the reason why I woke up happy. I’m glad that even in my dreams I have a new baby. I am excited to have a baby again but maybe not so soon. I just can’t have it soon. I know right time will come. I need to heal myself first and I hope that God will grant me a new gift that will stay with me until me and hubby will get old.
Sometimes, I am so afraid to hope for something good. I don’t know but this is the feeling I got everytime I want to hope for something. My life is full of fear right now. I don’t know but there are days that the grieving period is really a big impact in my life. It really affects on how I manage my life right now. I don’t know but sometimes it seems that I can’t find happiness in everything I see.
I make effort to do my best. To be the best as I can but there are really moments that I don’t even know if I am doing the right thing.
One thing that made me feel happy today is my son Gareth. We stayed in our room for a long time and we just hug each other. We play a lot. I love to tickle him and he keeps on singing me “Learn to Love Again. I know that is Gareth’s message for me. One thing that really breaks my heart is that Gareth who is autistic is really don’t know how to express himself about the lost of Ayumi. He just spent time browsing the pictures of her sister and I know he is wondering where her sister now. I really give all my best to explain to him everything but I don’t know if he got it.
I also realized that I have to give my attention to Gareth. He needed us more because of his condition and I am glad that I have him. I love hugging him at night. I know that I should be kissing two kids at night and now I only have one and it really breaks my heart but I am still thankful that I have Gareth. Gareth is the reason why I am still holding on. I know he needed me more.
I am also happy that hubby is trying to open his feelings about grieving. I know the right time will come that we will be heal. For now we are both crying silently at night while talking about our little Ayumi. He is always with me when I don’t know anymore on how to deal this pain. I am so glad that I have him. He is my strength.
I think I should not dwell much on the pain. I know that this pain will be here forever but I will not let this pain overshadow the things that I should appreciate.