Surprisingly, I got a number of greetings on Mother’s Day. I was surprised and touched. On that day, I wanted to hide myself in our room and just forget about it.
So I stayed in bed and talked to Gareth:
Me: Greet your mom.
Gareth: I love you.
I have nothing else to say. So blessed…
We decided to visit Ayumi’s place and offer her 3 red roses and light a candle. I don’t know if she appreciates if I keep visiting her or she is wondering why I am visiting that place. I know someday she will talk about it. Sometimes, I don’t feel like visiting her place because I know she’s not there but sometimes it gives me peace to visit here. That is the only place where I can find peace specially during the BLAH moments.
After visiting her, we attended mass with my little sis, Gareth and hubby. It’s been a while that I never attended mass, maybe because I don’t feel good of doing it because of the pain I am carrying or because I still have those unanswered questions. What really happened is a test of faith as what my Mother Superior told me and I think she is right. It really tested my faith and because of that I don’t know anymore if I am still the person I used to be. The experienced never harden me but molded me to be a better person. I know that some mother who have the same experienced like me loses their faith, some even tried ending their life. Well, I think about it too, specially those times that I don’t know anymore on how to deal with the pain. During those times that all I can see is dark and painful events and it seems that I don’t have purpose to live.
Today, I am not really that okay, but I am trying so hard. I don’t cry as often as before but I still cry in silence. I know that this pain will never stop so I have to deal with it in silence. When the lights are out and no one is looking at me then that is the moment I feel so empty and all I can do is face my Gareth and hug him and that only reminded me to carry on.
I don’t want flowers and cake this year so we decided to stay at Starbucks for a while and have some talked to my “Eldest”.
She is my youngest sister but everyone thought that she is my daughter because she is with us since she is 5 years old. When my father died she stays with us. She also calls me Mommy. 🙂
That’s how I celebrate my Mother’s Day and I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks to all my friends who greeted me this special day. You know that I don’t feel like doing it but you still tried. Thank you very much.
I know that no matter what I happened, I am always a mom to Ayumi.
I am forever grateful that God chooses me to be their mom.