Did you ever try rejecting a thought but it keeps on coming back and find its way to your mind and heart? Sometimes we try to ignore it but still you can’t avoid it. It seems that it is your calling. You feel that you need to follow it or else it will not fulfill your purpose.
That is what I am feeling right now.
I am avoiding the thought of getting pregnant again because I know that I am still in the state of trauma. There are days that what I experienced on Jan. 3 is keeps on coming back in my mind and it even feel me nauseated. It’s like a movie trailer that keeps on playing on my mind and it hurts so much.
But lately it’s different. Everytime I close my eyes, I saw a baby. I take a look at the baby’s face but it’s not Ayumi. A different one. Everytime I saw this baby on my dreams, I feel so complete. It seems that I have a great night. I try my best to ignore that dream.
I checked what I really want in life. As a business woman, I know that I need to spend more time to my business but I realize that my favorite and dream position is not to become a business woman, a CEO but a Mother and a Wife.
One night, I had this dream again with the baby. I already know the gender and the name of the baby and in that dream I am so happy and contented.
I told hubby about that dream. I know in my heart that hubby wanted a new baby but he is waiting until I am ready. He is willing to wait because He know that I have fears.
The fear at first is really unbearable with the same level of pain. Aside from that I know that I have diabetes that may affect the health of the baby. So I always say NO.
Until one day, I listened to my heart. I wanted to know what my heart really wants. The answer is always YES. I asked my mind too and the answer is always YES. I told hubby about my decision and I saw the smile and excitement that I never saw for so long. I know that I made the right choice.
I can set aside the fears but just focus on the hope and love around me. I will let it happen and I hope this is really what is best for us.
If you are in the dark and you saw a glimpse of hope you will definitely go with it. I will do everything to make that dream a reality and I believe that God has a better plan. I believe and trust in Him alone.