Since my daughter died, I never thought that answering a certain question can be so hard. When I go out and meet strangers and all of a sudden they asked me “How many children do you have?” I really don’t know how to answer it not because I don’t know the answer but I don’t know how to express myself.
But I am getting used to it and sometimes I have this quick reply. Before I got pregnant and someone pop the question I just say 2, specially if Gareth is not with us. If Gareth is with us I just say 1 and hoping that no follow up questions.
Now that I am pregnant, some asked, “pang ilan na yan? (pointing to my big tummy)” and I just say 2.
I never thought that it will be this hard. I just don’t feel good if I have to talk about the loss to a stranger. I also don’t want to change the mood of the other person because when I start talking about it, most of the time they got affected and I feel bad too and sometimes it will not stop me from crying. I don’t want to cry infront of the stranger.
Of course I love to talk about Ayumi in a right time and place and maybe to a right person. So if you are reader of my blog and it happens that you see me, don’t ask the hardest questions but just let me know that you are reader of my blog and through that, I know that you know that soft spot of me.
