I have my appointment with my OB yesterday but before she let me have my usual check up she asked me to drop by at 3rd floor first to discuss with me about anesthesia. So, when I went to the hospital at around 1pm we went to 3rd floor right away. I stayed less than 30 minutes to Anesthesiologist room since they inform me the upcoming procedure of my CS operation. They also checked my vital signs and everything is normal. So, when we went out to the room and headed to the elevator, I told hubby that I wanted to use the rest room first and when I checked the restroom sign to my surprise I saw the sign “Intensive Care Unit”. My heart stopped beating for a while and I was so shocked! Everything that happen inside that Unit was replaying in my mind in an instant. I really cannot handle it so well and before I knew it, I am crying and I wanted to shout. The pain hit me again! Over and over again!
Yes, I forgot the floor where ICU was located during our stay in the hospital when we brought Ayumi to the hospital. I forgot how it looks like. I forgot some small details but never will I ever forget all the important small details about that room. Until now, I can still remember how her vital signs went crazy. I still remember the numbers. I still remember the constant announcement of codes and the times when they are calling the different specialist to check on my daughter. Yes, everything is still clear to me but I forgot the exact floor where the ICU located.
After I broke out into tears, hubby told me that when my OB requested us to visit 3rd floor, he is hoping that I won’t see the sign. He is hoping that I will notice everything. He’s also shocked to see my reaction. All he could do is to comfort me. I am really so thankful to have him because he really knows how to control me and to keep me calm all the time.
When we left that place, my heart was still so heavy. I really can’t stop crying. I realized that it is still part of moving on process. I need to expose myself to some situation like this.
It was so hard to experience such loss but I believe someday I will get through this.