May is almost over and we will be welcoming June. Summer in Philippines is finally over but we are still busy for the Summer in U.S.(online work). But here in the Philippines, it is summer the whole year and because of that I am not yet done for my summer getaway for the coming months.
Time flies so fast… It’s mid of the year already.
Sometimes I just wanted to cry and hold the time… it seems that people and things are keep on moving on. I feel that I lost my daughter for a while already and it seems harder this time. There are days that I miss her so much but I realized that I have nothing else to do but accept it. Maybe right now, I am on the acceptance stage, where I keep reminding myself that it’s all over and I have to let it go. Some of my old friends avoided discussing about Ayumi, I can sense that they don’t want to bring it up because it might dig my emotions and make me feel sad. The thing is, I love to talk about her and I would always love to reminisce about her but I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable so I don’t talk about it if I feel that they are not ready. Then here comes my new friends, some of them I met online or through my business. Some of them don’t really have any idea that I lost a child and when they found out, it is somewhat hard for them to believe then followed by silence.
Different reactions but it all sum up in sympathy and I appreciate it.
Maybe I am going to meet more people who will never have any idea of what I’ve been through and it is really hard for me to talk about it. Just like when Xavier has his check up, the stranger asked if Xavy has eldest siblings and when they found out that I lost her, then there was an awkward silence in the room.
Am I okay?
Yes, I am trying to be okay and now that I have Gareth and Xavier to look after, I should be okay. I should condition myself to be okay. I believe that each one of us has some extra baggage in life and it is up to us on how to carry it. Though I carry an extra heavy baggage, I can carry it well as if its part of me.