Yes, it still hurts so much.
Last night, I decided to start creating the Photo Book of Ayumi. So, I need to view her pictures. There are so much pictures. I was compiling it and before I knew it, I created 4 folders already with her pictures alone. From her baby pictures until the day she was gone. When I viewed her funeral pictures, my heart was again broken into pieces. I wanted to close it but I want to continue checking each pictures. Then tears just flow…
I ones again, I feel the pain… pain that really never goes away. It is always there and I know it will be forever there.
The pain is still unbearable. I still don’t know how I made it. I still don’t know how I carried it with me everyday. The pain really changes me. I see life differently now. Sometimes I am a goal getter and sometimes I just get tired and just let life do its purpose to me without doing anything. Sometimes I am just so tired of dealing this fucking life and I just let things happen without even thinking. Sometimes I am so motivated to do things on my own and sometimes I just don’t give a fuck anymore what will happen to my life. Yes… if you went into such pain sometimes you just don’t care anymore. That is me sometimes.
But…
I know there are days that I should wake up.. get up and act like I am on my best…