I am a person who plan a lot. I made my yearly plans. I love taking notes of everything I wanted to do. I love planning. In an instant, I am different now.
I don’t plan anymore. I just do things that I think right in a moment. Since I lost Ayumi, I stop planning. I don’t want to plan my day. I just let things happen. It seems that I am a walking zombie. Of course I tried my best not to do silly things that can affect other people.
I realized that I will stop planning because we really don’t know what will happen next. Because of what happened, I realized that I should live one day at a time. Before when I read that phrase, I don’t really get it. I don’t get it how people live one day at a time but now I truly understand them.
Some friends are asking always, “How’s your day?”
Well, I am in so much pain but I am trying to live each day with that pain in me. I don’t want to show to people that I am still hurting but I know I can’t hide it.
I am now back on track, well I hope so. I am now working again. I am now in the office almost everyday, but most of the time I am wondering about her. Everytime I checked FB and saw cute babies and cute clothes for her age, I feel like buying it and then it hit me that she can’t wear it anymore. That is the hardest part.
Everytime I go out, and saw kids in her age, I feel sad but I love to see them playing and full of life and I wish that Ayumi is happy wherever she is right now.
Everyday, is a battle to survive this pain. I hope that Ayumi will guide me in this battle that I will never ever win.
I miss you Ayumi!
Love,
Mommy