Regrets

Looking back, I am checking if I feel any regrets after I loss my daughter. Everyday, I am evaluating myself if I have regrets but the answer is always NO.

Since the day she was born, I gave everything. I love her until now. I show my love to her everyday. She is not just a daughter to me but my little bestfriend. I don’t shower my kids with material things but with love and comfort. Me and hubby are very showy to them. I checked all her needs and I spend most of my time with the kids.

Everytime, I am away with them, I checked on them regularly as if I am with them 24 hours. They are our priority and our world.

Since I got married, I always wanted to have kids. Actually, lots of kids. The first year of our marriage, I got pregnant but I lost the baby during 8 weeks. I stop for a while then after a year I got another one but still I lost the baby before the 3 months. I almost lost hope that time and I focus on my business then finally we try again.

Then I have my first born, he is Gareth. Gareth is a healthy baby. Later, I found out that he has autism and it really breaks me into pieces. I was deeply hurt and wished to have a new baby that can call me mommy and hoping for a normal one.

Not too long, I got pregnant again and so happy when we found out that it’s a girl. We are very excited buying pink baby items. The joys she brings to us is very unforgettable. The silent home become noisy and happy. I love it so much. I have the best of my life since then. Life seems so perfect.

Until the day I lost Ayumi. Everything ended. The house is now quieter and I miss those days that she is with us. I miss how she made me laugh. I miss her calling to me endlessly. I miss her everyday! I miss hugging and kissing her while she is sleeping.

I miss every piece of her.

There are days that I need to bring out her clothes just to hug and kiss it. It seems that I am kissing and hugging her because I can still smell her through her clothes.

If you can see, I am giving birth to angels. I don’t know but this things are hard to grasp. I give birth to much angels already and I think I contributed enough already.

Whatever happened, I know in my heart that I don’t have regrets but of course there are days that I can only feel the anger. I still can’t accept that I lose my daughter. I still wish that she is here that she will be with us someday.

I know that I give all my love to her. I shower her my greatest love and I hope it will make her feel good. I hope it will make her proud that she chooses us as her parents.