Today is just like any other day. Full of pain but we still manage to smile and get through it. I don’t know how I survived 4 months without my daughter. Everyday is like a brandnew day. I don’t focus on the past anymore. I don’t focus much on the pain. If I have to dig inside my heart I know that pain is so unbearable but I choose not to focus on it and look for the things that can make me live my life to the fullest.
The moment I wake up, I make sure to inform my mind that I have to face the day with full of hopes. When someone mention her name or ask about her I really can’t help it but hold on the tears. I love it when people remember her because I don’t want her to be forgotten. She really brings so much joy to our lives and I would like to believe that she will always be. Looking back those happy years with her, I am very lucky to be her mom because she really brings out the best in me.
Before we sleep, we talk about her so much while Gareth is listening with us. We miss her everyday and she is always part of everything we do because we know that she is just around. There are moments that I get tired of waiting to be with her and I know that is the best lesson for me.
The truth is, I was so afraid of Death. I don’t even go with funerals because I don’t know how to deal with it. But when Ayumi died, that was a very hard punch! That is where I found out that I should not be afraid of death because my daughter was never afraid of it. Since then, I am okay with it and I welcome it. I know that one day, each of us will experience it and there we will found out that we’ve been through it several times already.
I know that there will be harder days that made me find it so hard to face it but with the help of my dear husband and families I know I will get through this. I know that the pain is endless and I don’t know if the pain will lessen because some told me that Time Heals, I don’t know about it yet because right now its so unbearable.
