When I talk to the Mother Superior of the Sisters of Mary, she told me that what happened was a test of Faith. She talked to me about it when I was so down and whatever she is telling me that time is hard to process. Now that it will turn 7 months without my daughter, I realized that she is right.
When I lost Ayumi, my faith was really affected. I really can’t deny it. I even questioned God. I even wonder what I did wrong that made me experienced such unbearable pain. Ayumi is my joy, she always brighten my days and she is the one who can make me laugh so hard. She always made me feel good and losing her is really so hard. The first few days was so hard. I don’t want to wake up anymore. I don’t want to do things I used to do. I am so lost.
But… with the help of the people around me, specially my husband and my son, I started to face the reality. The painful truth that I can’t have her anymore in this world is so hard. With the constant prayer from the people who loves my family, I accepted the fact that I should go on my life without her. I even wonder where I got the strength because I feel that during those darkness moment of my life, I feel God’s love. I feel God’s presence. I know that He is carrying me and helping me get through all the pain day by day.
My faith was shattered but it was not that long. Through that very moment I realized that God don’t want to hurt me but what happened was part of my life plan. That even Him can’t do nothing about it but all He can do is to be with me during those painful moment of my life. In that very moment, I feel God’s love, a love that I never felt before. A connection between us that only the Creator can shower to His people. Those are the undying love of God to us.
Since then, I never stop thanking God for every blessings He showered to our lives. I thank Him to let me become a mother of Ayumi and letting me experience to be her mom. I am so proud to become a Mom of an Angel. Maybe, God choose to be her mom because He know that I can gave Ayumi the best 2 years of her life. I feel so Honor. It is such a blessing to become her mother.
I also continue doing charity works. Even before I lost Ayumi, I already supported a congregation. I see to it to share my blessings to them and I am inspired to work hard because I am willing to share more. I share more this time because I know the feeling of having nothing.
Maybe, my faith was tested and I am so glad that I made it through. It made me become a better person and realized that even on those darkest days, when we thought that we are alone, those are the special moment when God carries us and sometimes because of the unbearable pain, we don’t recognize that He was there. The truth is… He never leave us. He loves us sooo much!
