I woke up late..

I woke up around 3pm and I am not supposed to wake up that late but I don’t have enough energy to wake up early. I feel so down…

If only I can sleep and skip Jan. 3 I will do it. I am not okay…

The 2nd death anniversary of Ayumi will be tomorrow and I don’t feel like doing anything. Yes, 2 years but still everything is still so fresh. Everything that happened on that day is still on my mind. I can still remember how I lost part of me. I still remember that feeling when I saw her lifeless…  I still remember when I begged God to let my daughter stay with me…  I still remember when I prayed “Your will be done”…  I still remember how gloomy that day was. I still remember when I surrender everything to God. All those things are still inside of me… I know I will never stop remembering those days of my life.

Yes, it humbled me…  I see life differently now. Since then, I never the same person I was before. I am different. I have new normal now. Normal for me now is when I visited Ayumi in cemetery first during Christmas and New Year and other special occasions. Normal for me now is always have this fear…. Normal for me now is always feeling this emptiness. Normal for me is trying to live my life just the way I wanted to live and not living a life because what other people want me to do. Yes, so many things has change and sometimes those changes that are happening in my life is still beyond my control, I just wonder how it happened.

A friend told me that my life is always exciting. When she told me about it, I don’t really get it at first but when I review my life, it is indeed exciting. I’ve been through ups and downs in life. Life has been knocked me down for so many times but I always get up. Though how hard I was knocked down I always see to it to get up. I am a fighter but there are days in my life that I am on my lowest point and when I reached that lowest point of my life that is the best time that I feel His presence. That is the best moment I feel God helping me to get up. God is helping me all through this time, without him I know that I can’t make it. I always Him to guide me and just stay with me no matter what.

 

The End - Lang Leav