Sometimes I wake up wondering what’s going on with my life…
I sometimes stop and wonder how I made it..
There are days that I wonder how I survived those hardships that I encounter from the past.
When I saw Ayumi pictures, I can’t help but wonder how I survived her death. There are times that I wonder if those really happened to me, that if I deserved to get hurt that way.
Sometimes, I just have to look at her pictures and I can’t even grasp if she was with me. Parang ang bilis kasi ng panahon, parang kelan lang nasa akin sya tapos wala na. There are some instances in my life that I already forgotten. That I need to recall it first or someone need to remind me about it. Maybe I’ve been through a lot of trauma for what had happened so I suppress those feelings or maybe I don’t want to remember those things. May mga bagay na hindi ko na matandaan. Hindi ko alam pero ganon ang naging defense ko during those times. Sometimes everything seems so unreal… sometimes it feels like a bad dream.
Feelings are hard to understand. Sometimes I don’t really mind it at all… I just let it flow and I just go with it. For the longest time, since I lost my daughter, I never plan anything. I just live my life day by day. But eventually, I need to get back to my feet. I need to pick up the pieces and live my life again as normal as possible. Though sometimes, it really hits me back and all I can do is deal with it. Grieving is really a long process. There are days that I am okay, then all of sudden, I am back to my depress self. But I know that I need to get up… it is always that way. There are bad days… but I have this hope that after the bad days, there are better days. So I am just looking forward for what is good.
