Grieving Mom – Bubbly Mom

The way we celebrate

August 3, 2018

Still with a heavy heart, I get up and try to act normal.

We went to Ayumi’s renting place.

I talked to Xavier most of the time, specially those days when I was sad. He’s asking where is Ayumi and I always tell that him that she’s in heaven.

At the Resting Place

Xavier: Mommy is this heaven?

Me: (I don’t know what to say)

After that we went to the mall.

I am not really in the mood of doing things but it is so unfair with the kids. So we watched movie and we let them play and bought toys.

I acted normal but deep inside I am really mourning…

It’s been 5 years since she was gone but the pain is still the same…

There were better days…

and there were sad days!

But I already learn how to live despite having that pain.

It is already part of my system..

I can’t do something about it anymore…

I just appreciate whatever I have and give thanks to God for the blessings…

I believe that there are reasons for everything…

I trust God in everything and I know He has better plans…

Ayumi’s 8th Birthday

August 3, 2018

This is somehow a difficult time to write about.

Today is Pillow’s 8th birthday.

So I really don’t know what to do… I never have a plan.

This should be a big event if only she’s here…

Para akong ninakawan… marami pa sanang plano pero wala na… hindi na pwedeng gawin.

I woke up feeling so down. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t have plans just like in the past years. Eto pa may mga memories na binabalik ang facebook, sobrang sakit. Nakita ko ulit kung papano kami nagcelebrate ng birthdays nya.

So ayon nagpunta muna kaming bank then I ordered flower. Dumaan sa Jollibee kasi yon ang favorite food nya. Then nagpunta na kami sa resting place nya.

Deep in my heart I wanted to celebrate but it should be with her.

I’m still wondering how she looks like in eight, her favorite color, favorite food, favorite places to go and I am longing so much about her.

The pain is still the same but I learn how to live my life in that pain.

So many things are going on lately and most of the time I am hoping that she is still with us to celebrate our success. I know someday everything will make sense to me but for now I will continue to live my life despite the confusions.

Mother’s Day

I got these surprises from hubby.

I am so thankful for all the efforts.

Actually, I really don’t like celebrating Mother’s Day.

When I lost my daughter, I stopped celebrating it. I don’t really feel the day anymore.

When you lost a child, you will see things in way different than before.

Everyday I have this feeling of emptiness, a feeling that no one can make you feel better no matter how the good situations are.

But then things changed..

Now that I have Xavier and he greets me.. I realized that maybe I should give it a try.

It is going to be so unfair for him if I will stay in that sad place.

He deserved to see the happy Mom part of me.

I don’t want to lose that glow because of the pain I had in the past.

I don’t want to create that image to my son’s mind that I am in deep pain and sorrow because I know it will affect him as a person.

I need to make extra effort to show my appreciation in everything that his doing to make me happy.

I want him to remember me that despite of my pain I still managed to be happy.

But when I am alone, I’m still longing for those little hands to hugs and those lips to kiss me. I just miss my Pillow so much.

I Don’t Know…

Yes, I really don’t know how to celebrate her birthday and I’m not feeling okay. I had asthma attack for 2 days already. I am sneezing the whole time and I have a hard time breathing due to my cough. I can’t even go out yet because I still had fever.

So we ended up ordering Jollibee and watching her birthday videos. I am just thankful that I have those videos taken during her birthdays kasi kung wala malamang pictures lang ang tinititigan namin.

We still make it happy…

We enjoy watching her old videos.

Yes, living each day at a time… that’s what I did when I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m glad that with God’s mercy I get through it.

There are some days that I don’t know how to function but when that time comes, I just let myself drown into that feeling. I just let myself feel everything because I know that eventually I will get up and go on again. Eventually I will go out and face the world again. It’s gonna be a roller coaster ride and I don’t know when it will be over but I am just riding it anyway. Just go with the flow… that’s life.

Ayumi’s 7th Birthday

I still clearly remember the day I first heard you cry… and I cherished it so much! Today we supposed to be celebrating your 7th birthday but without you, I don’t really know how to celebrate your day. I’m feeling down today and I’m not in the mood of doing anything! We just opted of watching your birthday videos and order Jollibee. Because in reality when it comes to you I know I will never get over it. Most of the times I just let Daddy decides because in this very moment I am totally at lost.

But then I know I should remember everything about you that made us so happy and proud. I have those with me forever and I am so thankful for everything.

I woke up today and realized that I dream about you.. those last moment… those moment when I asked the doctor to do everything to keep you alive…

I knew it was your time but I’m still holding on because as a Mom that’s what we always do. I believe that Grieving Mom like me will understand.

The pain I experienced when I lost you was indescribable, both my mind and heart can’t fully understand. But I have my faith and it saves me. I know someday I will understand everything. But for now, I’m still silently grieving.

I wish that we have a grand birthday celebration today but here I am wondering how you will look like today and what are the things you will like. What will be your favorite colors, clothes and food… who will be your best friends and which places you want to go.

But don’t worry… I’ll be okay. Someday we will talk more about it!

Happy Birthday My Angel Ayumi!

It was Crazy…

Yesterday is one of those crazy days of my life.

I was working for almost 16 hours yesterday. I stayed in the office until 10am. It was crazy. I am not a morning person, kaya kapag naarawan ako, sumasakit talaga ang ulo ko. I really wanted to curl in bed in a very dark room. But I have work to do.. I have so many things to accomplish..

Then, when I checked FB, I saw a friend posted about a death of a child.. then that’s it! Everything went crazy.. I wanted to hug my kids and just look at them. The trauma sits in… I was covered in fears ones again. We headed home and the kids are waiting for us. I stayed with them for a while but I was so sleepy and they were so demanding to play with me. I gave in. Remember those things keeps running on my mind while I acted normal? Oh.. it was really difficult. Then calls keeps on coming and I have to deal with it. It was already noon and my body is screaming for sleep.

Then I went to bed.. but still I can’t sleep. I feel that my body is shaking, the past keeps on replaying on my mind and it is really affecting me. Then I become so sensitive… then I know I have panic attack!

I make a point to relax myself. I need to control my self every time this happen. There you go.. the reality of my life.

Here are tips on how to handle a panic attack - from Jodi Aman, author of the Anxiety-Schmanxiety blog. Did you know 6 million, 2.7% of Americans, have Panic Disorder. Women are twice as likely to be affected as men. Panic Disorder has a very high comorbidity rate with major depression.:

Thoughts

Sometimes I wake up wondering what’s going on with my life…

I sometimes stop and wonder how I made it..

There are days that I wonder how I survived those hardships that I encounter from the past.

When I saw Ayumi pictures, I can’t help but wonder how I survived her death. There are times that I wonder if those really happened to me, that if I deserved to get hurt that way.

Sometimes, I just have to look at her pictures and I can’t even grasp if she was with me. Parang ang bilis kasi ng panahon, parang kelan lang nasa akin sya tapos wala na. There are some instances in my life that I already forgotten. That I need to recall it first or someone need to remind me about it. Maybe I’ve been through a lot of trauma for what had happened so I suppress those feelings or maybe I don’t want to remember those things. May mga bagay na hindi ko na matandaan. Hindi ko alam pero ganon ang naging defense ko during those times. Sometimes everything seems so unreal… sometimes it feels like a bad dream.

Feelings are hard to understand. Sometimes I don’t really mind it at all… I just let it flow and I just go with it. For the longest time, since I lost my daughter, I never plan anything. I just live my life day by day. But eventually, I need to get back to my feet. I need to pick up the pieces and live my life again as normal as possible. Though sometimes, it really hits me back and all I can do is deal with it. Grieving is really a long process. There are days that I am okay, then all of sudden, I am back to my depress self. But I know that I need to get up… it is always that way. There are bad days… but I have this hope that after the bad days, there are better days. So I am just looking forward for what is good.

Some people don't realize how the loss of a child changes you they expect u to be the same though u will never be:

Angel Anniversary

January 3, 2017

It’s been 4 years already! Time flies so fast but still the pain is still the same. Though I learn how to live each day with the pain and I master of hiding the pain. I think everyone around me move on already but deep inside of me, I never move on. I just have no choice but to go on with my life and live normally just like everyone.

I still remember everything on that gloomy day! I still remember how I feel the emptiness. I still remember everything and I can’t even describe the feeling of loss. It is the worst feeling ever.

Sometimes I am surprised about myself. I wonder how I survived. I wonder how I go on with my life.

I know that God is the master of it all. I know that everything is His plan and I know that someday I will understand everything. During those moments, I know that God carried me. I never felt that kind of strength and I believe that it is all His works.

He is indeed in control of everything.

Whatever will happen in my life, I know that He is in control and it is His will. As His child, I have no other things to do but to follow Him.

I am so thankful that He is with me all this time.

I miss you so much Pillow! I wish to hug you so tight!

Looking Back

Last night hubby got a chance to check his videos archive and we happened to watch again some of the videos of Ayumi. We laugh a lot everytime we saw her kakulitans. We remember how lucky we are to have a daughter like her. We are so lucky that though it is just quick we have her and we share those wonderful moments. But at the end of it all, I miss her so much and still wishes that she is still with us.

She must be 6 years old now and I only have those thinking on how she will be at 6 years old. How’s our life if she is still with us? I have so many questions but I know in time I will have my answers. Someday… someday will know.

Ayumi’s 6th Birthday

August 3, 2016

I still remember the day Ayumi was born. As a mom, I know that I will never ever forget that moment. It still feels like yesterday. The day before her birthday, I was not feeling well. I don’t have the energy to go out but still I force myself. I know that I need to go out because I’ve been working straight for the past weeks and I know that I need a break.

So today, I really don’t know on how to celebrate her birthday. Anyway, it is also our scheduled time to renew our passport and it just reminds me that if she is still with us then she will also renew her passport. Siguro tinapat ng panahon na magrenew kami na timing ng birthday nya kasi every birthday na lang nya ang lungkot lungkot ko. As you all know, I really love to celebrate birthdays, when she turned 1, she had the grandest birthday ever. Nong nag 2 years old sya, ang saya din ng celebration nya but now na nawala na sya parang hindi ko na alam kung papano magcelebrate ng birthday nya.

I talked to the people that are close to me about my plan. I told them that we don’t need to celebrate her birthday just like we celebrate ours. Ayoko kasing malito si Xavier that we will be singing a happy birthday song tapos wala naman ang Ate nya. Diba parang ang lungkot non and I don’t want Xavier to feel that, to see me in tears that supposed to be a happy occasion.

Since kasabay nga din ng pagpunta namin sa DFA ang birthday nya, so I don’t need to prepare so much. We visited her place and offer her flowers and prayers. We went there with Gareth and hubby and we just greeted her Happy Birthday.

It is always the hardest part of me, I miss her so much and I wish to give her the best birthday ever! I wanted to do so much more for her, I wanted to feel so much with her. I wanted to grow old with a daughter like her. I want her into my life and if only I can have her back I will definitely love it.

But…

I have to move on and I know that I am starting to move on. I know that I should focus on what are given to me… and appreciate on what we have. I know that I should learn to live with that pain. I know that in a perfect time I will understand why it happened.

For now, I will continue to live a life that’s plan for me. I have to live life to the fullest because I know that someday we will be together again and I want her to be proud of me. I want her to feel proud that despite the pain, I still live a meaningful life.

It breaks my heart everytime I think of what happened and there are really darker days… there are still days that I questioned God but this time I can handle it well and I know that with God’s guidance I can overcome the pain.

We visited her place.

Renew passport

Feeling so down and went to Tagaytay to eat out! 🙁