Tag: grieving mom

Angel Anniversary 

January 3, 2017

It’s been 4 years already! Time flies so fast but still the pain is still the same. Though I learn how to live each day with the pain and I master of hiding the pain. I think everyone around me move on already but deep inside of me, I never move on. I just have no choice but to go on with my life and live normally just like everyone.

I still remember everything on that gloomy day! I still remember how I feel the emptiness. I still remember everything and I can’t even describe the feeling of loss. It is the worst feeling ever.

Sometimes I am surprised about myself. I wonder how I survived. I wonder how I go on with my life.

I know that God is the master of it all. I know that everything is His plan and I know that someday I will understand everything. During those moments, I know that God carried me. I never felt that kind of strength and I believe that it is all His works.

He is indeed in control of everything.

Whatever will happen in my life, I know that He is in control and it is His will. As His child, I have no other things to do but to follow Him.

I am so thankful that He is with me all this time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I miss you so much Pillow! I wish to hug you so tight!

 

The Hardest Question

Since my daughter died, I never thought that answering a certain question can be so hard. When I go out and meet strangers and all of a sudden they asked me “How many children do you have?” I really don’t know how to answer it not because I don’t know the answer but I don’t know how to express myself.

But I am getting used to it and sometimes I have this quick reply. Before I got pregnant and someone pop the question I just say 2, specially if Gareth is not with us. If Gareth is with us I just say 1 and hoping that no follow up questions.

Now that I am pregnant, some asked, “pang ilan na yan? (pointing to my big tummy)” and I just say 2.

I never thought that it will be this hard. I just don’t feel good if I have to talk about the loss to a stranger. I also don’t want to change the mood of the other person because when I start talking about it, most of the time they got affected and I feel bad too and sometimes it will not stop me from crying. I don’t want to cry infront of the stranger.

Of course I love to talk about Ayumi in a right time and place and maybe to a right person. So if you are reader of my blog and it happens that you see me, don’t ask the hardest questions but just let me know that you are reader of my blog and through that, I know that you know that soft spot of me.

 

Silly, stupid, yes, it is still hard and I can't explain it.

Traumas

I had traumas since Ayumi was gone. I always wanted to write about it so that I can release it here. This is the only way I can express my feelings about her death.

1. Everytime I heard Ambulance sounds, I panicked and remember the feeling when we were inside the ambulance with Ayumi. I hate the sounds of ambulance now because it simply bring back the nightmare.

2. I don’t want to see sick kids or baby. At facebook when friends posted that their kids are sick, I panicked and check my eldest son.

3. I don’t want to see any funeral parlor. I drive every morning and passes a funeral parlor and i hated it. I always look away.

My husband is so aware of my fears and traumas and he helps me get through this.