Category: Ayumi

August 3, is Ayumi’s 10th birthday.

I slept earlier than usual then I woke up around 4am and I can’t go back to sleep anymore. I don’t know but I just feel the emptiness again. I sob until I felt that Xavier was hugging me. I just hugged Xavier until I went back to sleep.

I woke up around 2pm and then we decided to visit her place. We bring her favorite spaghetti from Jollibee then we stayed a little longer. This is different from what we used to do, since it’s still pandemic and we are under MECQ which means that we are not allowed to travel. For the past years, on her birthdays or death anniversary, I always wanted to go somewhere. I wanted to free myself from pain. But now, I don’t have a choice but stay. Yes, it’s still hurt a lot but I used to it and I know that I will live my life like this… I will continue living my life in pain knowing that I can’t have her again.

It still feels like yesterday. I know someday we will be together again but for now I will continue to live my life’s purpose.

I miss you so much Ayumi… Happy birthday my Angel 🙂

January 3, 2020

It was Ayumi’s 7th Angelversary.

I can’t believe that it’s been 7 years already. Parang kahapon lang…

Masakit pa rin.

I was so moody every time her death anniversary is coming. I can’t help but be sad and angry at the same time. I still have this feeling of anguish that I can’t have her anymore.

Some may thought that I already let go.. but I don’t really know. Para kasi akong naagawan, nanakawan ng anak na hindi ko alam kung papano nangyari. Basta may time na sobrang sakit pa rin. Na kahit saan man ako tumingin ay hindi ko maintidinhan. May time na sarado ang isip at puso ko, parang lahat ng paliwanag na alam kong kaya kung intindihin pero hindi ko magawang intindihin.

Yon yong time na gusto ko lang umalis at sumigaw… gusto kong mawala na lang… yong sobrang sakit pero hindi mo alam kung papano ayusin sarili mo. Yon yong time na parang wala na akong maintindihan kasi nilalamon na naman ako ng sakit. Yong kahit gaano ka katalino ay naging empty ang utak mo… wala kang gustong unawain kasi nasaktan ka.

Yon…

Iniiyak ko na lang ang lahat…

Dinadaan sa tulog…

nagpakabusy…

at umaasa na lilipas din lahat…

na sana pag gising ko ok na ako.

Minsan pag gising ko.. hindi pa rin ako okay.. ganon lang ulit, sinasabayan ko na lang… gumagawa na lang ako ng ibang bagay para madistract ako.

Tapos tutulog ulit kapag pagod na pagod na…

at umaasa na sa paggising ko ok na ako..

Minsan naman naging ok na.. at yon tuloy tuloy.. unti unti na akong babangon.. maging normal na ulit…

pero may time na biglang sobrang sakit na naman…

kaya habang hindi ko pa nararamdaman ang sobrang sakit, sinasamantala kong maging normal lahat…

at alam ko walang katapusan to… paulit ulit lang hanggang maging manhid..

hanggang maging new normal na…

Jan. 3, 2019

6th year Angel Anniversary of Ayumi…

I was not feeling okay…  ang hirap bumangon.

Parang alam na alam ng katawan ko na hindi eto magandang araw. Tandang tanda ko pa rin lahat ng mga  nangyari that day.

Na minsan ay paulit ulit na bumabalik sa memory ko kaya minsan nadepress na naman ako pero this time alam ko na kung paano icontrol. 

We visited her and went to the mall after to have dinner. It was not an ordinary day… it’s a day that I lost part of me…

It’s been 5 years and 9 months since I lost her.

As a Mother, I know I will never get over the pain.

I even told hubby that if something bad happen to me, wag na nya akong iparevive. Just let me go kasi gusto ko ng makasama anak ko. Pero sabi nya hindi daw nya gagawin dahil sila naman mahihirapan.

Oh well… bahala na ang panahon.

Until now may mga tanong pa rin. May mga bagay na sana nasagot.

Yong sakit andito pa rin, I just learn to live by it. 

On Oct. 31, we decided to visit her first and I’m glad we did coz’ there are less people. We can move freely and we let the kids go with us too. The weather was nice unlike last year. 

Yesterday we visited Ayumi.

It was always like this…

When I accomplished something I needed to go back to her place.

I need to see her…

The more I need to talk to her…

Because I know that somehow she is really guiding us.

I know that whatever success we have, she is also behind it all.

My daughter knows what my heart desires and I know that she is helping me to achieve it.

I just realized…

That no matter how life will reward me, it will never complete me…

There is always something inside…

Something that she can only fill.

I miss her so much!

Oh God…

 

When you don’t know what to do, you better have a dessert it might make you feel better.

It’s Ayumi’s 5th death anniversary and I am feeling down.

I wanted to go somewhere.. I wanted to be in the beach and just let my mind and body relax but it seems that I can’t do it since we are saving for our new office, so I have no choice but to take everyone to Ice Berg’s in Eastwood and just have our Ice cream and my favorite crepe.

 

Marami pa ring mga tanong pero parang nakakasawa nang magtanong.. kasi minsan hindi ko pa rin nakukuha ang tamang sagot.

Kaya parang gusto ko na lang mag enjoy kasi alam ko naman na hindi naman talaga nawawala ang problema. It’s on how you deal with it.

Kaya kung feeling ko nalulunod na ako sa sari saring emosyon na meron ako, lumalabas na lang ako. Sinubukan kong tingnan ang mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko.

Baka sakali maging okay ako..

Most of the time nakakatulong naman..

Lalo na kung lalabas akong kasama ang pamilya ko.

 

Ayumi, sobrang miss na talaga kita. Grabe 5 years na pala.. pero bakit parang hindi pa rin nababawasan ang sakit.

Pero sinusubukan ko naman.. lalo na at nandyan si Xavier at Gareth. Sila ang nagpapasaya sa akin araw araw.

Minsan kailangan ko lang talagang magfocus sa mga bagay bagay kasi yon ang mahalaga.

Hindi ako pwedeng maging mahina kasi madaming tao ang umaasa sa akin.

Siguro kahit umabot pa ng 20 years ang pagkawala mo Ayumi at lahat ng tao ay wala ng idea kung sino ka sa buhay ko dahil malamang hindi ka nila kilala, siguro mananatili ka sa akin. Hindi magbabago ang pagmamahal ko sayo. Anak sana gabayan mo pa rin kami palagi.

We miss you so much!

It’s been 5 years..  since I last hugged my Ayumi.

I miss her everyday!

I still don’t know how I made it this far. Maybe by God’s grace I was able to survive. Maybe I am trying to move on because I know there is nothing left to do.

 

My life after her is still way different than usual. It would be better if she is still around.

Sometimes I am just acting normal because it is the right thing to do but still there is part of me that is missing.

No one can fill it up.

I will forever long for her…

Maybe having Xavier is a big help for my survival. But he’s not a replacement. Iba iba sila. Iba ang pagmamahal ko kay Ayumi at iba din kay Xavier.

Iba iba din ang nafill nila sa puso. I know some grieving mom can understand me.

 

I just hope that she is still with us. I really miss her so much! If only I can have her back. 🙁

 

Everything seems so fresh. It’s been 5 years but still feel like yesterday. I still remember the pain.

So many things happened.. there were good and bad things since she was gone.

It really tested me as a person, specially as a mom.

There were times that I thought our family will never be whole again. I wanted to give it up… I’m just glad that God really guide me in everything.

It’s not an easy road. I have to deal with the pain every now and then.

I just hope that I will never lose my faith along the way…

Dear Ayumi… 

Wherever you are right now.. I hope you will continue to guide and watch us always. 

We miss you so much!

 

Love, 

Mom

It’s this time of the year again…

I never thought that I will be doing this..

I never thought that I will be the one visiting my child grave. It is not the right order of life, but I think this is what it is.

It is written in my book of life to experience this pain and so be it.

I have no choice… it was part of the planned.

Though painful…  I have to carry on.

Everyday I still miss her. It’s been 4 years already but it’s still feels like yesterday. Sometimes I wake up feeling so empty and I wanted to hugs and kiss her again.

If only I have another chance to be with her again… If only… I will hold her close and never let her go.

 

 

It was raining the whole time and we decided not to let the kids go with us.

The weather seems know how I feel… It’s so gloomy inside and out.

 

The hard part of life is we have to keep on living even when our world has stopped spinning, and all the stars are laying at our feet. – Zoe Clark-Coates