The Seven Last Words of Jesus

Yesterday, we had our Visita Iglesia. It was so different because this is the first time without Ayumi. We went to a church where she was baptized and when we got hungry we decided to drop by at Jollibee, same place where she celebrated her 2nd birthday.

All the Firsts without her is really hard but I choose to experience those pain again so that I can start to move on.  It’s hard but I have no choice but to face it. There will be a lot of firsts later but I am welcoming it and I hope that the right time will come that I can face everything with a smile because I know that she is helping me to get through all the pain.

 

 

Holy Week

Holy week, this is the best time to reflect. This is the time to renew faith and a time to evaluate our soul if we are really living the way God’s plan us to be.

Of course, there are moments that we don’t know what are our purpose here. Sometimes, we asked God for our purpose here on Earth. That things bother me sometimes and I hope that in my little way, I am living on my purpose.  There are times that, I am not sure anymore if I am doing the life I wanted to be then I realized that no matter what I am doing, I know that my angels and God is with me and He will not allow me to do things that is not according to His plan.

I think it is just normal for us to feel lost sometimes and if ever I feel that way, I always find time to pray and reflect. In that way, it helps me to go on with my life because I believe that God has a better plan for me and I am excited for it.

As a mom who lost a child, there are moments that I wanted to end my life. Actually, a lot of times I think of ending my life. I don’t think I can go on with my life without my daughter. I know it’s normal to feel this way. I am so grateful to my husband who stays with me always and stays strong despite what happened. I am not perfect, everyday is a struggle for me and it may look normal in the outside but deep inside I am broken. I wish to feel that happiness and completeness again but I don’t think it will happen again. The two years I have with my daughter seems so perfect. The moment I have both my kids with me and just seeing them both happy is the happiest moment of my life. I know there are so much things to expect that may make me happy again but for now I don’t see it anymore.

Empty shell – that is me, I miss hugging my little one and I envy to all the angels in heaven because they have her. Everyday I woke up, amazingly I feel good and I don’t know why. I can’t remember dreaming of her or being with her but I feel good. This is a miracle. I know this is the work of my little Angel. There are things that is hard to understand but I know that good things are sometimes hard to understand.

With this pain I feel right now, I know there is a purpose of it that may be hard for me to understand right now but in a right time I will find out why.

When good things happen to my life, I don’t question God. Now that bad things happen to my life, do you think I have the right to question God?

 

 




	


	







	

		
		
Our Bonding Moment
	


	
	
	

		


 


I created a pic collage of our bonding moment. I miss her so much and upon seeing our picture I realized that I am very lucky to be her mom.


Amazingly, I don’t cry too much lately. I don’t know but it seems that day by day I accepted that I can have her anymore. I know that in the right time we will be together again.


Love you baby!


 

	


	





	

		
		
Saturday
	


	
	
	

		
I sleep late last night. I had meetings yesterday and I feel so good. I am working so hard this time and hoping that it will help me cope the pain I trying to hide everyday. Anyway, when I check her pictures today, it suddenly made me feel bad because those pictures are just a memory now, I can’t have those smiles, giggles, hugs and kisses anymore. I miss her so much.


Sometimes I wish that she will come back for even a day so that we can have our proper goodbyes. I miss her so much!



	


	







	

		
			


	
	
	

		
When I lost my daughter, I am looking for some parents that went through my pain because I wanted to know on how they cope up and how they move on. The support group is badly needed if you are grieving. I researched over FB and found out Grieving Mothers, a group that every mom never dream to become part of. But since, we are already in this road, we have no choice but to face it.


Being a member of Grieving Mothers help me face this grieving stages of my life. So last night, I decided to share my story and posted this pic collage:




I miss her so much!


When I woke up this morning, I feel that she is with us. As if, I am with her the whole time. It seems that in my dream we are doing the things we used to do. It comforted me so much.


Thank you baby for staying with mommy! I love you so much!

	


	





	

		
		
Acceptance
	


	
	
	

		
It’s a busy week. Yesterday, I stayed at the spa whole day to monitor the sales and have some bonding moment with the staffs. I am so glad of getting to know them better. Today, I am working here at the Travel Agency office because I have so many paper works to do.


There are time that I should stop thinking of Ayumi because I have to face this new normal. Everyday I woke up, I still miss her and wishes so much that she is still with us. Little by little, I accepted that I can never have her again in this lifetime. Sometimes, I just wish that God will take me so that I can be with my daughter. I remember when Ayumi was still here, I always pray to God to bless me long life because I am so afraid of leaving my family but now that she is gone, I wish to God to take me so that we can be reunited with her again. I am not afraid of death anymore because my daughter shows me that it is the best gift from God. My perception and outlook about life and death now change forever. My daughter taught me that lesson. I am so thankful to her.


There are nights that I dream of a newborn baby and the truth is, I always wanted to have a new baby but I think it’s not yet the right time because I need to heal myself first. I have fears that things might happen again. I am so afraid of that pain. I’ll wait in the right time that I am much ready to have a child again.


I hope that time will come and I am as ready as before and hoping that my fears will not be a hindrance.


Anyway, I created a collage today for Ayumi. 🙂



	


	





	

		
		
Sunday
	


	
	
	

		
When weekend comes, I just don’t like it after I lost my daughter because that is the time that I can’t help thinking of her all day long. I miss her more during weekends. Today is supposed to be our time to go out and just go around the city because I hate staying at home every weekend because I don’t want to feel sad, but today is different, we stay because we have so much things to do. I love it and hopefully I will get use to this new normal.


 

	


	





	

		
		
Better Day
	


	
	
	

		
I woke up better today. There is no pain. I will be visiting my daughter today because it’s Saturday.


I would like to share some inspirational quotes that made me smile.