Anger

Today is the day that I don’t want to move. I just want to stay in bed and wishes not to wake up anymore. The pain is killing me and it leads me to anger. I hate why I am still here and my daughter is not with me. I feel so empty. I miss her so much that I don’t want to stay here anymore.

I hate my life right now. I hate it! I am trying so hard to move on but I don’t know if I can even go on like this anymore. I am lost! My life is a mess! I am trying to make it alright but I still hate it.

Why I am still here? I don’t know anymore of what to do with my life. The pain is so powerful and its drowning me. I don’t know if I can still be fine again. This roller coaster ride of pain and grief is so powerful that I don’t know anymore when will it be over. I don’t know if I can overcome it.

I hate it when I feel this way but this is what I am feeling right now. I miss my child so much and that feeling is killing me.  I want her back!

 

 

Monday

It’s a busy Monday. I went to my Spa earlier because I need to talk to the supplier then headed here at my travel agency office. It was fun being busy because that is the only way I got a chance to stay away from pain.

When I came here at the office, I am busy answering all the inquiries and all of a sudden I browse my log book where I wrote some Pillow’s development when she was still a baby. I wrote when she started crawling and sitting. I also write the first time she ate solid foods. Whew! Everything turns back again! I suddenly feel sad and I think I have to post it here just to release the sadness.

I can’t be sad the whole day because later I have meetings and I don’t want to show it to people. As a leader, I should hide my feelings so that I can manage my people well. This is maybe one of the hardest thing to do.

I just miss her so much. Sometimes, I thought that she is a wonderful dreams but everytime I look around, I can see traces that she was really here, then I feel robbed. She was taken away from me and I can’t do anything about it. Acceptance is hard, there are times that my mind can’t process the pain and that is the time that my heart will help my mind understand things.

While writing this post, the radio played Pillow’s favorite song “Call Me Maybe”. I know that she is really trying to remind me that she is still around.

I am just glad that I have this blog that I can easily express my feelings.

 

Second Month

Dear Ayumi,

Today is the 2nd month without you. Everyday I woke up, you are the first person in my mind. I miss you so much. I miss those days that you are with us. I miss everything about you. Everytime I close my eyes to sleep, I always wanted to see you in my dreams. I am excited to meet you in my dreams. I want to be with you even in dreams.

Life is so different now. I keep myself busy because that is the only way I can skip loneliness. I know that you are okay now in Heaven but believe me I am wishing everyday that all of this is just a bad dream. I am still wishing that one day you will be here with us. I miss you so much baby.

Thank you for giving me the strength to go on with our lives. Thank you for being with us always. We always feel your presence and we are so happy. I just hope that you will continue to be with us. Stay as our Angel forever!

I keep on watching your videos and it made me smile. You never failed to make me happy my dear Pillow.

I miss you so much baby!

Love you,

Mommy

 

 

 

Regrets

Looking back, I am checking if I feel any regrets after I loss my daughter. Everyday, I am evaluating myself if I have regrets but the answer is always NO.

Since the day she was born, I gave everything. I love her until now. I show my love to her everyday. She is not just a daughter to me but my little bestfriend. I don’t shower my kids with material things but with love and comfort. Me and hubby are very showy to them. I checked all her needs and I spend most of my time with the kids.

Everytime, I am away with them, I checked on them regularly as if I am with them 24 hours. They are our priority and our world.

Since I got married, I always wanted to have kids. Actually, lots of kids. The first year of our marriage, I got pregnant but I lost the baby during 8 weeks. I stop for a while then after a year I got another one but still I lost the baby before the 3 months. I almost lost hope that time and I focus on my business then finally we try again.

Then I have my first born, he is Gareth. Gareth is a healthy baby. Later, I found out that he has autism and it really breaks me into pieces. I was deeply hurt and wished to have a new baby that can call me mommy and hoping for a normal one.

Not too long, I got pregnant again and so happy when we found out that it’s a girl. We are very excited buying pink baby items. The joys she brings to us is very unforgettable. The silent home become noisy and happy. I love it so much. I have the best of my life since then. Life seems so perfect.

Until the day I lost Ayumi. Everything ended. The house is now quieter and I miss those days that she is with us. I miss how she made me laugh. I miss her calling to me endlessly. I miss her everyday! I miss hugging and kissing her while she is sleeping.

I miss every piece of her.

There are days that I need to bring out her clothes just to hug and kiss it. It seems that I am kissing and hugging her because I can still smell her through her clothes.

If you can see, I am giving birth to angels. I don’t know but this things are hard to grasp. I give birth to much angels already and I think I contributed enough already.

Whatever happened, I know in my heart that I don’t have regrets but of course there are days that I can only feel the anger. I still can’t accept that I lose my daughter. I still wish that she is here that she will be with us someday.

I know that I give all my love to her. I shower her my greatest love and I hope it will make her feel good. I hope it will make her proud that she chooses us as her parents.

The Smile

That is the smile I misses so much. This picture was taken last December, few days before she passed away. I was so happy that time when I capture her smile because everytime she smiles like that I don’t have a camera with me. When finally, I got that shot I was so happy. I know that she is smiling in Heaven right now. Heaven is really a happy place now because my happy daughter is there.

Traumas

I had traumas since Ayumi was gone. I always wanted to write about it so that I can release it here. This is the only way I can express my feelings about her death.

1. Everytime I heard Ambulance sounds, I panicked and remember the feeling when we were inside the ambulance with Ayumi. I hate the sounds of ambulance now because it simply bring back the nightmare.

2. I don’t want to see sick kids or baby. At facebook when friends posted that their kids are sick, I panicked and check my eldest son.

3. I don’t want to see any funeral parlor. I drive every morning and passes a funeral parlor and i hated it. I always look away.

My husband is so aware of my fears and traumas and he helps me get through this.

Random Thoughts

Yesterday was the Grand Opening of my Spa. It was a great event. Friends was there and we had so much fun. After the spa blessing we decided to have our massage and I feel so relax.

The whole time I was having fun, I suddenly got quiet because I can’t help but think of my Pillow. I miss her a lot specially on an occasion like this. She loves entertaining people and she is a very jolly baby and I wish that she is still here to show us her charms. I miss her so much!

When we went home, the emptiness attacked again. I started questioning God, why He let this bad things happen to my life? Am I a bad person to be punish like this? So many hurtful questions.

All I know is that I miss her so much and I hope that we will be together someday.