When I passed from here to there, I knew your heart would break.

It’s here not there where I reside; in mountains, fields and lakes.

In the break of each new dawn and when the sun goes down,

In birds and trees and skies of blue, you’ll know I’m still around

A broken heart I gave to you, no way to take that back;

Grieve for now, but don’t stay long in the hole that’s filled with black.

If I  were there and you were here, you would clearly see

That you’re right there and I’m right here, it’s where we choose to be.

So dance and sing and laugh out loud, just like we always do;

I know it’s hard, but you have to see that I’m right here with you.

And when you feel like crying, try and smile through the tears;

I hope you will remember, I’ll love you for a thousand years.

And when you’re feeling lonely, and you don’t know what to do,

Just close your eyes and read this letter, from me to you.

When I lost Ayumi, I really don’t know how to start my life all over again. I don’t know how to deal with pain. I think expressing everything that I feel through this blog is a big help to cope the pain. Some of my friends thought that I already move on. Well, moving on is hard and I don’t know if I am really doing it now. My personal life is way different now. I am showing that I am okay but deep inside I am still empty. I am longing for my Pillow. I miss her smile, kisses, stories and everything about her. I just asked her to be in my dreams always because that is where we meet, where we continue being together and I love it and I am so lucky that she follows my requests.

I decided to move on because I don’t want to live in so much sorrow because I believe that if I am into deep sorrow my Pillow can’t get through me. I want her to see that I am okay so that she can easily contact me and that is happening right now. She is just one breath away.

We also have a business and we handle people and I don’t want to mess the life of our people because of my depression. I need to take care of them too. I need to be strong for them.

My view about life right now is so different from before. I think I matured spiritually. I read books about parents who lose child to understand and check if my feeling is normal. Being in this painful journey is not easy but with the help of my husband, son, friends and relatives around me I know that I can make it.

On Monday, I will open a new business, the Grand Opening of my Spa. I am excited for this new business because we plan this business since December and supposed to open last Month but since we lost Pillow, we move it to February. I think this is the right time because this is something new that can occupy my mind, that can make us busy again.

This is somewhat a late post. Before we went to South Korea, we visit Ayumi first to greet her Valentines. She loves flowers and everytime his dad gives me flower she wanted to hold the flowers too.

I’m sure she loves it so much and she is happy.

I have so many dreams about her lately. On our way to South Korea, at the plane I dream about her. She is looking at me as if I scolded her.

Me: I got mad! You always have a choice to go back, you always have a choice not to go yet but still you left me. I am so mad at you.

Ayumi: She just looked at me and feel sorry.

In that scene, I really never thought I can tell that to her because I never hate her but in that dream I express something I can’t do.

One of the nights at the hotel, I dream of her again. We had our conversation.

I keep asking her different questions but I forgot it already.

Me: Asan si Pillow

Ayumi: Patay na si Lilo (She still called herself Lilo)

Me: Bakit ikaw pa?

Ayumi: Mommy, kailangan na si Lilo ni God.

I woke up and I start crying.

Some questions are now slowly answered. It’s just nice to know that she is the one who is helping me with the answers. I know it’s hard also for her but I am happy that she is trying.

I feel good everytime I had a dreams about her. It’s not everyday that I dream her and everytime it happens, there is a special message.

When we were at Korea, we are very busy doing our tour and exploring the place. We didn’t visit theme parks because it will only hurt us. Everytime we saw a baby looks like Ayumi, we can’t help ourselves but smile and start remembering her then hold our tears.

I really don’t know when the pain strikes again but this time I learn to manage it.

There is this one tourist who just asked me something about my kids:

Old Lady: How many kids do you have?

Me: 2

Old lady: Really? is it a boy and girl?

Me: yes, boy and a girl.

Old Lady: You should bring them here in Korea on spring so that they can enjoy the theme parks. Winter is not for kids.

Me: Yes we will bring them here.

Then, I stop the conversation. I do something to change the topic.

See, it’s really hard, while talking to her I am holding my tears. I am trying not to show to her that I only have 1 child left and that is so hard. I don’t want to share it to stranger and besides we are on tour, I don’t want them to feel sad.

Whenever we have the alone time, we really can’t help but talk about her. There are moments that we just cried and we let it be. This is the reality and new normal for us. I know the pain will never gone and I know that I will live each day with this pain.

We went to Nami Island this morning and it was so perfect. It was snowing and believe me, I thought I can’t stand longer in the snow but I so love the weather.

Here’s hubby’s picture, he loves the snow too.

I thought my heart feel numb here since it’s so cold but no, I still feel the pain.

I know that this pain will never ever go away but I have to live each day with this pain. Though it’s really hard, I decided to live each day to the fullest. We always have a choice and I choose happiness because that’s how Ayumi knew me as her mom.

Last Feb. 14, we decided to spend our Valentines Day at Korea. It was an overdue trip, we decided to have this trip last January 12 but because of what happened we postponed it.

It’s our 3rd day today here in Korea, there is no day that I am not thinking of Ayumi. Everytime, I travel out of the country, I always called at home and talked to her but now that I am here, I feel lonely everytime I think of home.

I terribly miss her and during this tour I realized so many things. This tour is one of the tour that will definitely help me face the painful days ahead. I still have so many questions and I believe that through travelling I can find the answers. I don’t know but I think I really need to travel for me to feel okay. If I am staying at home, I feel so sad and it’s hard for me to move. I hope that someday, I will find the answers.

Please continue praying for us.

Ayumi had fever for 2 days and on Dec. 31, 2012, we went to hospital. They found out that she had tonsilitis and we need to stay in the hospital because she is not eating. She need fluids to prevent dehydration. We spent our New Year at the hospital. On Jan. 1, 2013, 3am, she had convulsions. That was the first time I saw someone who had convulsions and I was in shocked. January 2, 2013, she turned pale and needs blood transfusion. We transferred to The Medical City (bigger hospital) through an Ambulance, it was my first time. The blood transfusion went well. She was fussy the whole night. They also found out that she had dengue. The dengue team assured to me that they know what they are doing and hoping that Ayumi can survive. While at the ICU, I was keeping an eye on the monitors. Trying to check every minute if all the vital signs are in the normal range. Ayumi was doing great at first then eventually keeps on crying. She keeps on kicking and wanted to remove the machines attached to her. I keep on saying to her that everything will be fine, that she needs those for her to recover. I got my iPad, because that is what she always wants, I played the music she loves. She is looking at my side but not on me, as if she is looking to someone else. That is the time that I feel so afraid. I don’t know but I feel something strange. I started crying. I wanted her to stay with us longer.

Suddenly, her heart rate beats fast up to 200+ then her BP goes down. Before I knew it, the doctors and nurses are everywhere. They are trying there best to save her. Then the heart suddenly stops. They tried to revived her for 30 minutes but still no pulse.

That’s how my world ended.

We visited her today with beautiful flowers and balloons that she love. I hope that wherever she is right now, she feel blessed and love.

I know that you are happy right now. We miss you so much Ayumi. I love you!