Dear Ayumi,

Tomorrow is the 40th day without you! Most of the days, I still feel the pain. I miss you everyday and God knows how much I long for you. Everyday, I view your pictures and videos and it made me feel good and sad at the same time because I know that you’ve been with us but you’ve gone so soon.

Losing you is the most painful experience and I was so down because of the thought that I can’t have you anymore. You are so precious to us and letting you go is really hard.

As your mom, I would like to promise you something. I know that you’ve known me as a happy and strong mom. Since you’ve been gone, I realized that I was not that same person anymore. Everyday, I turned into a different one. I’m afraid that you might not recognized me anymore because I’ve changed a lot. For the honor of you, I will stay as the mom you’ve known. I will stay as your happy and strong mom. No matter how painful the situation now, I will stay as cheerful as ever. I know that there are days that I will turn into a different one but I promise to give my best to be your best mom. I will continue to live my life to the fullest because I know that is what you want. I will continue to stay as the old me because that is how you know me. Though pain is unbearable but I will live each day with that pain in me, I will continue living each moment with hopes, dreams and love. I hope that in this little sacrifices I have, you will feel proud of all my efforts.

There are some fears and uncertainties and sometimes I don’t know anymore on how to deal with those feelings but I promise to stay strong no matter what the future may brings and I will continue to believe that something better will happen.

I know I will shed more tears and be sad sometimes but believe me, I am trying so hard and I know with your help I can get through this. No more goodbyes because everyday I can still feel you are with us. I can still feel your presence and I believe that you are just one breath a way. Everytime I ask something from you, you always show something that reminds me that you are just around. I am very thankful for that and I know that you will stay with us forever. I feel so blessed to be your mom. I know that you brought so much joys to heaven. I am grateful to God for allowing me to be your mom for 2 years and 5 months. Thank you very much for all the joys you bring to our lives.

Your memories are in my heart forever. Don’t worry about us anymore.  I love so much! I miss you!

Please grow your wings and tell me more about it someday… until then baby!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is a busy day, we had our business Team Building and so far we had fun. I can now start laughing again. It seems that I am back in my old self but then suddenly it hit me again out of nowhere that I terribly missing my little Pillow.

I miss calling her and talking to her. She is a great phone talker and I miss that so much. Everytime I’m not at home, I always called her and I just love to hear her voice. I miss that moment so much.

I wish she will show in my dreams tonight and we will have our conversation again.

I always asked Why? Why all this things need to happen? I have so many questions. I even wondered if I am a bad person. I don’t know but there are so many questions coming everyday. The worst part is I don’t get any answers. Most of the time, I just left the questions hanging.

Everytime I checked her pictures and videos, I still feel amused because I can’t believe it that she is already gone. The videos that I have with her reminds me everyday that she stayed with us. That she is with us for 2 years and 5 months. It hurts so much to think that the life I used to live is now change forever. I can no longer touch her chubby cheeks and feel her kisses and hugs. I miss her everyday!

Moving on? that is what people want me to do. With all the pain I am right now, I don’t think I can move on. I don’t know how to start moving on but believe me, I am hiding the pain. If ever you see me laughing and smiling again, I am not moving on. I am just hiding the pain. The pain that will continue to grow until I will see her again.

Some people told me that I am still young and we can always have a new baby. Yes, we can have but I don’t think I can have a new baby as a replacement for her loss. No one can replace her. If ever we will have a new baby, a baby is not a replacement but a new blessings. Ayumi will always be special and no one can replace her in my heart.

I can have a dozen more children in the future but Ayumi will stay special. I will forever miss her and longing for her.

I am a person who plan a lot. I made my yearly plans. I love taking notes of everything I wanted to do. I love planning. In an instant, I am different now.

I don’t plan anymore. I just do things that I think right in a moment. Since I lost Ayumi, I stop planning. I don’t want to plan my day. I just let things happen. It seems that I am a walking zombie. Of course I tried my best not to do silly things that can affect other people.

I realized that I will stop planning because we really don’t know what will happen next. Because of what happened, I realized that I should live one day at a time. Before when I read that phrase, I don’t really get it. I don’t get it how people live one day at a time but now I truly understand them.

Some friends are asking always, “How’s your day?”

Well, I am in so much pain but I am trying to live each day with that pain in me. I don’t want to show to people that I am still hurting but I know I can’t hide it.

I am now back on track, well I hope so. I am now working again. I am now in the office almost everyday, but most of the time I am wondering about her. Everytime I checked FB and saw cute babies and cute clothes for her age, I feel like buying it and then it hit me that she can’t wear it anymore. That is the hardest part.

Everytime I go out, and saw kids in her age, I feel sad but I love to see them playing and full of life and I wish that Ayumi is happy wherever she is right now.

Everyday, is a battle to survive this pain. I hope that Ayumi will guide me in this battle that I will never ever win.

 

I miss you Ayumi!

 

Love,

 

Mommy

 

 

 

A Child Loaned

“I’ll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine.” HE said.
“For you to love the while she lives
And mourn for when she’s dead.
It may be six or seven year
Or twenty-two or three
But will you, till I call her back
Take care of her for Me?
She’ll bring her charms to gladden you
And should her stay be brief,
You’ll have her lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want the child to learn.
I’ve looked this wide world over
In my search for teacher’s true,
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give her all your love,
Nor think the labor vain
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take her back again?

I fancied that I heard them say,
“Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we’ll run.
We’ll shelter her with tenderness,
We’ll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we’ve known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.”
– Edward A. Guest

There are moments in my life that I just hugged her and wish that very moment that it will be like that forever because it seems so perfect. I love waking up every morning with her around, singing and greet me a good morning. I love going home because she is waiting for me and I can’t wait to hear her stories. She used to tell stories about her day. She is just 2 years old but she loves telling stories, one word at a time. I just love connecting those words until I can truly understand her stories.

It’s been a month! Yes, a month without those stories, giggles, hugs and kisses. One month without those and everyday is really hard! I miss her so much and sometimes I wish to never wake up because I want to be with her. I want to be in a place where she is right now.

Mornings are empty! Life has no directions. Sometimes I wish to stop time. Sometimes I wish that everything is just a dream. I wish to wake up with her next to me. I wish to hear her sing and dance. I miss everything about her.

Today, I realized I should stop wishing. Stop wishing to turn back time. Stop wishing that everything is just a dream. I don’t want to do that anymore because the more I wish, the more it become painful.

Maybe, I should get to used having this pain. I should live each day with this pain inside of me. I know that no matter what I do, no one can heal me. No one can explain why things happened. No one!  But I have faith… faith that someday, after all when I am done here on earth, I will see her again then we will continue telling stories. Maybe by that time, she has a lot of stories to tell. Maybe I can spend the whole day listening to her. Maybe that will be a perfect time for us. Maybe in that moment, no one can separate us. No sickness can separate us.

Until then baby!