When I Lost You

I wish I could see you one more time
come walking through the door
But I know that is impossible
I will hear your voice no more.
I know you can feel my tears
and you don’t want me to cry
Yet my heart is broken
because I can’t understand
why someone so precious had to die.
I pray that God will give me strength
and somehow get me through
As I struggle with this heartache
that came when I lost you.

When I came across that poem, I know that it is well suited of my feelings right now. Sometimes, I really don’t know what to do, as if I can’t think straight and do decisions. There are moments that I can’t stop crying because I wanted her back. It is a roller coaster ride of different emotions. I really miss her so much but knowing that she is fine up there, I think I should stop worrying. I dream of her most of the time and she always assures me that she is in great place and happy.

Ayumi, your life seems so short but those are full of happy memories. You’ve touched others lives aside from us. Everytime people come to me and talk about how you touched their lives I realized that I am very lucky to gave birth to an angel. The road ahead is still blurry and until now I don’t how to start moving on but I just take it one day at a time. I miss you so much but it seems that you are happier now, happiness that a mom like me can’t provide. I love you very much! I miss you so much! Thank you for being a wonderful part of my life. I love you forever. Until we meet again.

Love,

Mommy

I had a wonderful dream last night. You are lying beside me and you are kissing and hugging me all through out the night. I miss you much baby. I know that you are in a better place now but I am glad that you are still spending time with us.

Thank you for the great memories. I love you forever! You are truly our angel.

Last week was horrible. I miss her so much and I thought of giving up everything. So we decided to go to Cebu just to get away from all the pain and of course to think things over.

Everytime I get lost and don’t know what to do, I usually went to Sisters of Mary Cebu, because in that place I found my peace.

I talked to our Mother Superior and with her help I learn to accept things I can’t control. It’s hard but I think I have to move on.

Everyday, I miss her and I know she too but I believe that she is just around, going with me wherever I go and I can talk to her right away anywhere and everywhere.

It’s my very favorite place.
I feel closer to you there.
We rock the hours away.
Me and your Teddy Bear.

The rocking chair is squeaking,
as rocking chairs will do.
I pretend the one I’m holding
isn’t Teddy Bear, but you.

I miss your little chubby cheeks.
They were so fun to kiss.
Cuddling you, and hearing you goo
are among the things I miss.

Precious memories of you linger.
My child I miss you so.
I hope one day my heart will heal.
It’s hard to let you go.

When in time God calls me home
to be with you up there;
With joy I’ll hold you in my arms
instead of Teddy Bear.

By Ron Tranmer ©

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby This we know is true.’
But God, can you be a Mother When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this, God I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile With other children and say:
“We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep On her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear.
“Mommy don’t be sad today I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home They’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize You are a Mother until their time
is done. They’ll be up here with Me one day And you know
you’re the best one!

I don’t know how to start it but this is the most painful part of my life. I never thought that I would lose a child. As a mother, I always dream of growing old with my kids but it seems that that dreams is so blurry.

Last, Jan. 3, 2013, while everyone is still have a holiday season hangover, I lost my daughter, Ayumi Janelle. She is 2 years old. As of now, I don’t know yet on how to cope up but I hope in a right time I can accept it wholeheartedly.

Yesterday, I said my final goodbye and until now I still feel numb. I miss her so much and I wish to God that He will take care of my baby and I hope she is happy with all the angels in heaven.

I know there are so much things to say but for now, I just want to keep it with me. I believe that in that way, I can still keep part of her with me.

I miss you so much baby!