Since my daughter died, I know from that very moment that it will definitely change my life. I changed and everyday is a struggle.
During the first year, it was really hard. Specially during the first weeks. Sobrang sakit na parang gusto ko ng mawala sa mundo. Sobrang sakit talaga, hindi ko maipaliwanag kung gaano kasakit mawalan ng isang anak. I never wish to anybody that kind of pain kasi sobrang sakit talaga, na parang sa sobrang sakit mas gusto mo na lang mawala sa mundo. But… I stand up and I believe that I will get through it.
Days and months had passed, I started to pick up the pieces…
Years had passed and here I am… still depress. There are days na parang gusto kong sumigaw at umiyak lang ng umiyak pero hindi ko ginagawa, hindi ko alam pero parang hindi ko na pwedeng gawin. There are days na gusto ko syang makasama at maramdaman ulit yong masayang time na kasama ko pa sya. Marami akong gustong gawin na kasama sya pero alam ko hindi na mangyayari. So what I did was shut up, look outside then tears just keep on flowing then maging okay na ako. But in some unexpected time, mararamdaman ko na naman ulit, parang cycle lang lahat and I really don’t know kung hanggang kelan to.
She will be turning 6 years old next week and maybe this is the reason kung bakit eto na naman ako, nalulungkot ako at gusto kong tumakas sa kalungkutan na to. I want to go somewhere alone… pero hindi ko pwedeng gawin. Sa dami ng responsibilidad ko ngayon, hindi ko pwedeng malugmok sa kalungkutan. Hindi ako pwede maging mahina.
I am just sad, I just wonder why it happened to me. Why I need to experienced such pain? For the longest time, I never got answered by those questions until I got tired and just stop asking. I know that I can’t get a right answer, so I just have to live with this pain. I just have to believe that maybe someday I will understand.
I think Nobody really knows me and if someone did, he maybe a lucky one.