Rainbow Baby Update

I had my Doppler Velocimetry Ultrasound yesterday and we can only get the result on Monday. So the waiting is really killing me. As you all know I have this less tolerance in waiting and it made me anxious. I don’t know but I really hate waiting but this time I have no choice but to wait. So far the baby is active and quite in a position already. We can’t see his face through ultrasound because he is covering it. I love everytime he is moving.

The count down begins because exactly same time next week, I should be at the hospital preparing for my CS Operation. I don’t know if I can still blog about it but I should update my blog as soon as I got a chance.

I am asking everyone to pray for our safety. I hope that everything will go smoothly. I believe that Jesus is in control of everything. I know that sometimes I am just so down that it affects on how I see life in general but believe me I am not always like that. I know how to cheer up my own self without the help of others. I know I can make it and I know someday everything will makes sense to me. I believe that after 50 years and I will look back this day, I can say to myself that “ahhh that is why”.

Giving birth - weird...someone read my mind

Unloading Emotions

The baby is now on it’s 36th weeks and my OB scheduled to have my CS operation on March 10 but I have to have 1 more ultrasound to check the baby and if he is not stress then we will follow the March 10 schedule or else we will schedule it earlier. There are so many things that keeps coming on my mind lately. Yes, I am afraid. I don’t know but the whole operation really scared me but I have no other way. The trauma is keeps on coming back and sometimes it is really hard to deal with it.

I am praying so hard to keep me and the baby safe during the whole procedure. I am also hoping that this baby is really for us. I never thought that losing a child will definitely change the way how you look at life. I was never like this before, but now everytime I think of the future I am so afraid. It is really so hard living in fear and hubby told me that after giving birth, I should continue seeing our grieving counselor and for me that is the best option. I need someone to help me get through this pain. I know that I should be okay, specially that I am managing everything and if I am not okay, it might affect the family and business.

Hormones? Yes, that is what I am thinking too. Maybe everything is just because of the hormones so I have to wait until my pregnancy is over. I hope I will be okay by then. It is not easy dealing with my roller coaster emotions.

By now, I have to take things easy. I am still doing my crochet project and keep on reading happy books. I also see to it to think of happy thoughts only.

I am thinking that at the end— Everything will be okay. I know it. 🙂

 

3rd Floor

I have my appointment with my OB yesterday but before she let me have my usual check up she asked me to drop by at 3rd floor first to discuss with me about anesthesia. So, when I went to the hospital at around 1pm we went to 3rd floor right away. I stayed less than 30 minutes to Anesthesiologist room since they inform me the upcoming procedure of my CS operation. They also checked my vital signs and everything is normal. So, when we went out to the room and headed to the elevator, I told hubby that I wanted to use the rest room first and when I checked the restroom sign to my surprise I saw the sign “Intensive Care Unit”. My heart stopped beating for a while and I was so shocked! Everything that happen inside that Unit was replaying in my mind in an instant. I really cannot handle it so well and before I knew it, I am crying and I wanted to shout. The pain hit me again! Over and over again!

Yes, I forgot the floor where ICU was located during our stay in the hospital when we brought Ayumi to the hospital. I forgot how it looks like. I forgot some small details but never will I ever forget all the important small details about that room. Until now, I can still remember how her vital signs went crazy. I still remember the numbers. I still remember the constant announcement of codes and the times when they are calling the different specialist to check on my daughter. Yes, everything is still clear to me but I forgot the exact floor where the ICU located.

After I broke out into tears, hubby told me that when my OB requested us to visit 3rd floor, he is hoping that I won’t see the sign. He is hoping that I will notice everything. He’s also shocked to see my reaction. All he could do is to comfort me. I am really so thankful to have him because he really knows how to control me and to keep me calm all the time.

When we left that place, my heart was still so heavy. I really can’t stop crying. I realized that it is still part of moving on process. I need to expose myself to some situation like this.

It was so hard to experience such loss but I believe someday I will get through this.

 

Crochet Project

I always wanted to create something for the baby and I got interested in crochet. So I purchased yarn and hook set.

After reviewing YouTube crochet tips, I finally decided to start a beanie.

Here’s the finish product:

I never thought that I can make it but maybe I am just inspired to do it. So right now, I am busy doing a baby blanket and I will post it as soon as I am done. I am just taking my time and I hope that I can finish it in 2 weeks before the baby will come out. 🙂

How’s your day?

 

Pregnancy Discomfort

I am now on my 35th week and so far there are lots of uncomfortable moments. I got my morning sickness back and I feel so heavy and huge already. I had a hard time walking. I wanted to go to the mall to just relax but upon thinking of going out made me feel lazy. I hate going out. I just keep walking around the house.

I am also starting a new craft project… my Crochet project. For almost a week, I keep on watching videos on how to crochet at YouTube. Then I order some yarn and different hook sizes and it arrived yesterday. So now I am busy again doing baby beanie and so far I love the result. I am just a newbie on this project and I believe that I should have to learn more.  If I am not sleepy and tired, I am doing it too. Now, while watching my Forex Trading I am also doing my crochet project which is awesome.

I think my body needs massage too. I have muscle pain in my legs and arms so I need to have it later. I am glad that I can just easily go to our spa. Now that I am heavier and my due date is come nearer, I don’t usually go to the spa everyday. I just checked my staffs everyday. I miss going regularly but I have to take care of my health.

Yesterday, I had my coffee when I woke up but I got my palpitations again so I guess I have to stop it. I hate the feeling of it.

My Endo also increases my insulin intake and so far my sugar is okay but there are moments that I don’t feel good and I hate this diabetes so much. I wish to take it away from my system but I think I have no choice but to live with it but of course I won’t let it control me.

My OB told me that my CS schedule this coming March 10 and so far all the baby items are now ready. We already washed it and we will be putting his items on the baby bag. Anxiety is attacking me lately maybe because the delivery will be soon. I am trying to prepare my body for everything. I am praying so hard that everything will be okay. Please pray for my safe delivery.

Have a great day everyone!

be soft

Just Missing Her…

Last night while talking to hubby:

Me: Did you miss her?

Hubby: Of course.. everyday.

Me: Really?

Hubby: Yes

Me: How not to miss her?

Hubby: That is impossible…

Yes.. that is really impossible because she is our child. A parent will miss her child every time we breath.

IMG_0030

I grieve for all the tomorrows that will never be. I grieve because God now holds you instead of me.

Baby Bump

Yay, I am so huge already but I love every inches of my body because I know a little one is growing.  I am also doing all my best to stay healthy. I am glad that I never gain so much and the last time my OB checked my weight, I only gained 1lb. and I think that is a baby’s weight.

I have to keep on thinking positive things only and I think that what made me look happy and contented. I know that it is just us can control what we want to think and what we want to feed our mind and heart. 🙂