Okay, I am still here and if I don’t know what to say I just make the date as the title of my post. Today, is quite a busy day in the office. I am now posting new tour packages and answering queries. I have assistant but I still love to deal with my client personally.

I am also promoting my spa and my assistant is busy texting our clients. I am glad that the heat issues in our spa is now resolved. I am glad that clients are now happy to stay at the spa. We spent the whole week finding out the solution of the heat issues and finally, it’s over now.

I also checked the stored pictures on my phone because Gareth loves to take and view pictures. I found out that the last time me and my daughter had pictures was last Dec. 28. How sad is it? There are new pictures on my phone and I just feel so sad that I can’t add new pictures of her anymore unless I will took pictures of her grave and that I hate doing. I hate to think that that is the only place I can take her pictures. Sooo heartbreaking thought!

So far this past few days I have extra strength to deal my life. I think I have no choice but to continue living my life though I know I can never be the same anymore.

Sometimes, I even wonder why I am still here. I don’t know anymore why I continue living and my daughter is not with me anymore. What is purpose here? I don’t feel like living anymore but I know I should continue and hopefully I will get to know the reasons why I am still here.

I even told hubby that when I die, that is the happiest time of my life. I know he feel sad when I told him about it but that is the truth. I know that it will be the happiest time because I finally get a chance to see the other side. I finally see from my own point of view the other side. Maybe, I am laughing out loud while entering the gate of heaven or maybe ask my angel to take me where my daughter is staying. Isn’t it a wonderful thought?

I know it will come but while waiting for that happiest moment of my life I will continue living and finding my real purpose here on Earth. Maybe, I already knew my purpose and I hope I am living my life the way God wants me to be.

Two days ago was another blah moments! I can’t stop crying. I was so down and it seems I am drowning by the emotions inside. I wanted to scream and be gone in this painful world.

It was very horrible.

I can’t sleep!

I want to go somewhere else.

I want to be alone!

I want to eat more than I can consume!

I just lie down and wishes to God to take me to my daughter.

I lie down and I don’t know what happen next.

I woke up..

Feeling better.

I just do the things I can do in a day.

I stop thinking.

I think this is better for a while…

I will enjoy this moment until that Blah moments hit me back again.

Yesterday was very hot and at the same time I had a problem in my spa. My supervisor resigned so I needed to be at my staff and talk to a new supervisor. We had a meeting and listen to my staffs issues. This is quite hard dealing with people but I’m glad I deal it perfectly.

I think I need to communicate with them all the time and I have to inspire them to work hard and stay focus.

Having them is fun and they are also helping me enjoy my work.

Today, I am back in my office, at my travel agency because as you all know it’s Summer time. It’s a busy time and I love it. Although from time to time I have this Blah moments but I know there is always something good in life and I am hoping that one day I can have that happiness again.

I don’t care anymore what might be the reason because I don’t have enough strength of living with pain anymore. The pain is so overwhelming that sometimes I don’t know if I am functioning the way I should be or because I am just program to do it. I feel like a robot that are just doing things without my full heart on it.

I miss my daughter so much today. I want to hug her and listen her stories again. I don’t know if time really heals me.

Pillow, I miss you sooooooooooooooo much. I want to hug and kiss you again.

Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you.

I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you’re glad to see that I don’t cry any more.

But I do cry. When everyone has gone — when it is safe — the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family won’t worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.

I’m active in my church. I sing hymns. I listen to the sermon. You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.

But I’m not strong. I feel that I have lost control, and I panic when I think about tomorrow … next week … next month … next year.

I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile. You tell me you’re glad to see I’m “over” the death of my loved one.

But I’m not “over it”. If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same. At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart.

I visit my neighbors. You tell me you’re glad to see I’m holding up so well.

But I’m not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock my door and hide from the world.

I spend time with friends. I appear calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me it’s good to see me back to my “old self.”

But I will never be back to my “old self.” Death and grief have touched my life, and I am forever changed.

By: ~Rhonda Wilson~
Asheboro, North Carolina