Great Weekends

During the weekends I spend my time with friends and family. On Saturday, I met friends at The Fort. It’s been a while since we met and I am so glad that finally we found time to be together again.

 

 

It’s so nice to be with friends again but at first I was hesitant because I don’t feel that I am ready but I changed my mind because it seems that I isolate myself from them so I gave a try and so glad that I did.

 

I think I have to learn to live my life again the way it used to be and I am hoping that it will get better everday.

 

 

Graduation Day

Today is my brother graduation day. So for the last few days we are busy preparing for it. When I found out that it will start at 6am, I panicked because I am a night person and by that time I am deeply in my dreamland. So the night before the event, I tried to sleep early but no avail. I can’t sleep. I really don’t know how to sleep before 2am. So I tried but hubby woke me up around 4am. I still don’t have the energy to prepare but I have to.

So we arrived at PICC earlier and it was a great day.

My brother is a graduate of ACLC Antipolo and so proud of him. Me and my husband is helping together to let him finish school. He is with us since high school and I am so proud of ourselves because we made it. We made my brother finished school. While he is growing up, I made a lot of adjustments and effort to raise him to be a better person. As we all know that raising a teenager is pain in the ass but we’ve made it. I know that I am not a perfect sister for him but I tried so hard to raise him to become a better one. I am now confident that he can face cruel world because I planted values to him.

I am forever proud of him!

Congratulations!

 

 

The Graduates 🙂

4th Month

Today is just like any other day. Full of pain but we still manage to smile and get through it. I don’t know how I survived 4 months without my daughter. Everyday is like a brandnew day. I don’t focus on the past anymore. I don’t focus much on the pain. If I have to dig inside my heart I know that pain is so unbearable but I choose not to focus on it and look for the things that can make me live my life to the fullest.

The moment I wake up, I make sure to inform my mind that I have to face the day with full of hopes. When someone mention her name or ask about her I really can’t help it but hold on the tears. I love it when people remember her because I don’t want her to be forgotten. She really brings so much joy to our lives and I would like to believe that she will always be. Looking back those happy years with her, I am very lucky to be her mom because she really brings out the best in me.

Before we sleep, we talk about her so much while Gareth is listening with us. We miss her everyday and she is always part of everything we do because we know that she is just around. There are moments that I get tired of waiting to be with her and I know that is the best lesson for me.

The truth is, I was so afraid of Death. I don’t even go with funerals because I don’t know how to deal with it. But when Ayumi died, that was a very hard punch! That is where I found out that I should not be afraid of death because my daughter was never afraid of it. Since then, I am okay with it and I welcome it. I know that one day, each of us will experience it and there we will found out that we’ve been through it several times already.

I know that there will be harder days that made me find it so hard to face it but with the help of my dear husband and families I know I will get through this. I know that the pain is endless and I don’t know if the pain will lessen because some told me that Time Heals, I don’t know about it yet because right now its so unbearable.

 

 

Dream

 

Last night I have this wonderful dream about Ayumi.

We are at the hospital and I saw her dead body and I carry it. Then we are at the restaurant. She’s with us. She is back to her jolly self. She told me that she didn’t die. She is always with us. Then we are at different places and still she is with us. In that dream, she is showing me that wherever I go or whatever I do she is always with me. I was with friends and told them that Ayumi is just with us and they even saw her playing around. I told them that I should not worry about death anniversary because she is just with us.

I woke up so amazed because the dream seems so real. It seems that all my worries and pains are vanish. I feel so good but then when I opened my eyes and realized that it was just a dream I am quite disappointed but still happy that she’s in my dreams.

 

The message in that dream is very clear. My Ayumi is really helping me a lot to cope the pain. I am glad that she is really trying to help me.

Weekend with Gareth

Last weekend we decided to spend it with Gareth alone. We went to Bonifacio Global City just to look around.

Gareth went to playroom and so far he likes it.

 

 

Hubby and Gareth 🙂

I love visiting Fully Booked and I got a new book about Stocks trading.

 

I got this book. I hope it will help me in my new venture.

While I was having fun checking the books, Gareth wanted a donut at Starbucks.

Then we had dinner at Brazil! for meat overload.

 

It was a great day. 🙂 Too much realization after that day.

 

A Chat with Jesus

181386 257271141040645 721733343 n A Chat With Jesus

 

Jesus: Hello. Did you call me?

Man: Called you? No. Who is this?

Jesus: This is Jesus. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.

Man: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.

Jesus: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.

Man: Don’t know. But I can’t find free time. Life has become hectic. It’s rush hour all the time.

Jesus: Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.

Man: I understand. But I still can’t figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.

Jesus: Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time,by giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.

Man: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

Jesus: Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.

Man: why are we then constantly unhappy?

Jesus: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That’s why you are not happy.

Man: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?

Jesus: Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.

Man: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty.

Jesus: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Man: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?

Jesus: Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don’t suffer. With that experience their life become better not bitter.

Man: You mean to say such experience is useful?

Jesus: Yes. In every term, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Man: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why can’t we be free from problems?

Jesus: Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.

Man: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don’t know where we are heading.

Jesus: If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.

Man: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?

Jesus: Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

Man: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

Jesus: Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

Man: What surprises you about people?

Jesus: When they suffer they ask, “why me? When they prosper, they never ask “Why me” Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.

Man: Sometimes I ask, who I am, why am I here. I can’t get the answer.

Jesus: Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.

Man: How can I get the best out of life?

Jesus: Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.

Man: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

Jesus: There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

Man: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I am so happy to start the day with a new sense of inspiration.

Jesus: Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don’t believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

Man: Thank you so much.

Jesus: You are always welcome. Have a good day my friend.

” Always remember, God’s Word is the Word for YOU “.

 

Source

Reality of Fear

You’re not scared of the dark, You’re scared of what’s in it.

You’re not afraid of heights, you’re afraid of falling.

You’re not afraid of the people around you, You’re just afraid of rejection.

You’re not afraid to love, You’re just afraid of not being loved back.

You’re not afraid to let go, You’re just afraid to accept the reality that it’s gone.

You’re not afraid to try again, You’re just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.

Feelings

Sometimes, I wonder how come I woke up feeling so refresh and it seems that everything is okay. So last night, I finally knew. The moment I close my eyes I saw a child. I don’t know the gender yet but looks like me when I was young. In my dreams, it started like a baby then turn into a toddler and it seems that I have a great time with the baby. It made me feel good. I am happy. I am contented.

That is maybe the reason why I woke up happy. I’m glad that even in my dreams I have a new baby. I am excited to have a baby again but maybe not so soon. I just can’t have it soon. I know right time will come. I need to heal myself first and I hope that God will grant me a new gift that will stay with me until me and hubby will get old.

Sometimes, I am so afraid to hope for something good. I don’t know but this is the feeling I got everytime I want to hope for something. My life is full of fear right now. I don’t know but there are days that the grieving period is really a big impact in my life. It really affects on how I manage my life right now. I don’t know but sometimes it seems that I can’t find happiness in everything I see.

I make effort to do my best. To be the best as I can but there are really moments that I don’t even know if I am doing the right thing.

One thing that made me feel happy today is my son Gareth. We stayed in our room for a long time and we just hug each other. We play a lot. I love to tickle him and he keeps on singing me “Learn to Love Again. I know that is Gareth’s message for me. One thing that really breaks my heart is that Gareth who is autistic is really don’t know how to express himself about the lost of Ayumi. He just spent time browsing the pictures of her sister and I know he is wondering where her sister now. I really give all my best to explain to him everything but I don’t know if he got it.

I also realized that I have to give my attention to Gareth. He needed us more because of his condition and I am glad that I have him. I love hugging him at night. I know that I should be kissing two kids at night and now I only have one and it really breaks my heart but I am still thankful that I have Gareth. Gareth is the reason why I am still holding on. I know he needed me more.

I am also happy that hubby is trying to open his feelings about grieving.  I know the right time will come that we will be heal. For now we are both crying silently at night while talking about our little Ayumi. He is always with me when I don’t know anymore on how to deal this pain. I am so glad that I have him. He is my strength.

I think I should not dwell much on the pain. I know that this pain will be here forever but I will not let this pain overshadow the things that I should appreciate.