Category: Grieving Mom

Anger

Today is the day that I don’t want to move. I just want to stay in bed and wishes not to wake up anymore. The pain is killing me and it leads me to anger. I hate why I am still here and my daughter is not with me. I feel so empty. I miss her so much that I don’t want to stay here anymore.

I hate my life right now. I hate it! I am trying so hard to move on but I don’t know if I can even go on like this anymore. I am lost! My life is a mess! I am trying to make it alright but I still hate it.

Why I am still here? I don’t know anymore of what to do with my life. The pain is so powerful and its drowning me. I don’t know if I can still be fine again. This roller coaster ride of pain and grief is so powerful that I don’t know anymore when will it be over. I don’t know if I can overcome it.

I hate it when I feel this way but this is what I am feeling right now. I miss my child so much and that feeling is killing me.  I want her back!

 

 

Second Month

Dear Ayumi,

Today is the 2nd month without you. Everyday I woke up, you are the first person in my mind. I miss you so much. I miss those days that you are with us. I miss everything about you. Everytime I close my eyes to sleep, I always wanted to see you in my dreams. I am excited to meet you in my dreams. I want to be with you even in dreams.

Life is so different now. I keep myself busy because that is the only way I can skip loneliness. I know that you are okay now in Heaven but believe me I am wishing everyday that all of this is just a bad dream. I am still wishing that one day you will be here with us. I miss you so much baby.

Thank you for giving me the strength to go on with our lives. Thank you for being with us always. We always feel your presence and we are so happy. I just hope that you will continue to be with us. Stay as our Angel forever!

I keep on watching your videos and it made me smile. You never failed to make me happy my dear Pillow.

I miss you so much baby!

Love you,

Mommy

 

 

 

Traumas

I had traumas since Ayumi was gone. I always wanted to write about it so that I can release it here. This is the only way I can express my feelings about her death.

1. Everytime I heard Ambulance sounds, I panicked and remember the feeling when we were inside the ambulance with Ayumi. I hate the sounds of ambulance now because it simply bring back the nightmare.

2. I don’t want to see sick kids or baby. At facebook when friends posted that their kids are sick, I panicked and check my eldest son.

3. I don’t want to see any funeral parlor. I drive every morning and passes a funeral parlor and i hated it. I always look away.

My husband is so aware of my fears and traumas and he helps me get through this.

Random Thoughts

Yesterday was the Grand Opening of my Spa. It was a great event. Friends was there and we had so much fun. After the spa blessing we decided to have our massage and I feel so relax.

The whole time I was having fun, I suddenly got quiet because I can’t help but think of my Pillow. I miss her a lot specially on an occasion like this. She loves entertaining people and she is a very jolly baby and I wish that she is still here to show us her charms. I miss her so much!

When we went home, the emptiness attacked again. I started questioning God, why He let this bad things happen to my life? Am I a bad person to be punish like this? So many hurtful questions.

All I know is that I miss her so much and I hope that we will be together someday.

Letter From Heaven

When I passed from here to there, I knew your heart would break.

It’s here not there where I reside; in mountains, fields and lakes.

In the break of each new dawn and when the sun goes down,

In birds and trees and skies of blue, you’ll know I’m still around

A broken heart I gave to you, no way to take that back;

Grieve for now, but don’t stay long in the hole that’s filled with black.

If I  were there and you were here, you would clearly see

That you’re right there and I’m right here, it’s where we choose to be.

So dance and sing and laugh out loud, just like we always do;

I know it’s hard, but you have to see that I’m right here with you.

And when you feel like crying, try and smile through the tears;

I hope you will remember, I’ll love you for a thousand years.

And when you’re feeling lonely, and you don’t know what to do,

Just close your eyes and read this letter, from me to you.

 

New Me

 

WHAT IS NORMAL NOW?

NORMAL is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthdays, Valentine’s day and Easter.

NORMAL is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see the casket, and all the crying people .

NORMAL is feeling like you can’t sit through another minute without screaming because you just don’t like to sit through church anymore. And yet at the same time feeling like you have more faith in God than you ever had before.

NORMAL is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.

NORMAL is not sleeping because a thousand “what ifs” go through your head constantly.

NORMAL is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have some “noise” because the silence is deafening.

NORMAL is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday common event and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of normal conversation.

NORMAL is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and their birthday and surviving those days. And trying to find a balloon or flag that fits the occasion, “Happy Birthday”? Not really!

NORMAL is a new friendship with another bereaved parent and meeting over coffee and talking and crying together over your children and worrying together over the surviving children.

NORMAL is being too tired to care if you paid your bills, cleaned your house, did the laundry or if there is food in the house.

 

Moving On

When I lost Ayumi, I really don’t know how to start my life all over again. I don’t know how to deal with pain. I think expressing everything that I feel through this blog is a big help to cope the pain. Some of my friends thought that I already move on. Well, moving on is hard and I don’t know if I am really doing it now. My personal life is way different now. I am showing that I am okay but deep inside I am still empty. I am longing for my Pillow. I miss her smile, kisses, stories and everything about her. I just asked her to be in my dreams always because that is where we meet, where we continue being together and I love it and I am so lucky that she follows my requests.

I decided to move on because I don’t want to live in so much sorrow because I believe that if I am into deep sorrow my Pillow can’t get through me. I want her to see that I am okay so that she can easily contact me and that is happening right now. She is just one breath away.

We also have a business and we handle people and I don’t want to mess the life of our people because of my depression. I need to take care of them too. I need to be strong for them.

My view about life right now is so different from before. I think I matured spiritually. I read books about parents who lose child to understand and check if my feeling is normal. Being in this painful journey is not easy but with the help of my husband, son, friends and relatives around me I know that I can make it.

On Monday, I will open a new business, the Grand Opening of my Spa. I am excited for this new business because we plan this business since December and supposed to open last Month but since we lost Pillow, we move it to February. I think this is the right time because this is something new that can occupy my mind, that can make us busy again.

Happy Valentines

This is somewhat a late post. Before we went to South Korea, we visit Ayumi first to greet her Valentines. She loves flowers and everytime his dad gives me flower she wanted to hold the flowers too.

I’m sure she loves it so much and she is happy.