Category: Grieving Mom

I have so many dreams about her lately. On our way to South Korea, at the plane I dream about her. She is looking at me as if I scolded her.

Me: I got mad! You always have a choice to go back, you always have a choice not to go yet but still you left me. I am so mad at you.

Ayumi: She just looked at me and feel sorry.

In that scene, I really never thought I can tell that to her because I never hate her but in that dream I express something I can’t do.

One of the nights at the hotel, I dream of her again. We had our conversation.

I keep asking her different questions but I forgot it already.

Me: Asan si Pillow

Ayumi: Patay na si Lilo (She still called herself Lilo)

Me: Bakit ikaw pa?

Ayumi: Mommy, kailangan na si Lilo ni God.

I woke up and I start crying.

Some questions are now slowly answered. It’s just nice to know that she is the one who is helping me with the answers. I know it’s hard also for her but I am happy that she is trying.

I feel good everytime I had a dreams about her. It’s not everyday that I dream her and everytime it happens, there is a special message.

 

When we were at Korea, we are very busy doing our tour and exploring the place. We didn’t visit theme parks because it will only hurt us. Everytime we saw a baby looks like Ayumi, we can’t help ourselves but smile and start remembering her then hold our tears.

I really don’t know when the pain strikes again but this time I learn to manage it.

There is this one tourist who just asked me something about my kids:

Old Lady: How many kids do you have?

Me: 2

Old lady: Really? is it a boy and girl?

Me: yes, boy and a girl.

Old Lady: You should bring them here in Korea on spring so that they can enjoy the theme parks. Winter is not for kids.

Me: Yes we will bring them here.

Then, I stop the conversation. I do something to change the topic.

See, it’s really hard, while talking to her I am holding my tears. I am trying not to show to her that I only have 1 child left and that is so hard. I don’t want to share it to stranger and besides we are on tour, I don’t want them to feel sad.

Whenever we have the alone time, we really can’t help but talk about her. There are moments that we just cried and we let it be. This is the reality and new normal for us. I know the pain will never gone and I know that I will live each day with this pain.

We went to Nami Island this morning and it was so perfect. It was snowing and believe me, I thought I can’t stand longer in the snow but I so love the weather.

 

Here’s hubby’s picture, he loves the snow too.

I thought my heart feel numb here since it’s so cold but no, I still feel the pain.

I know that this pain will never ever go away but I have to live each day with this pain. Though it’s really hard, I decided to live each day to the fullest. We always have a choice and I choose happiness because that’s how Ayumi knew me as her mom.

Last Feb. 14, we decided to spend our Valentines Day at Korea. It was an overdue trip, we decided to have this trip last January 12 but because of what happened we postponed it.

It’s our 3rd day today here in Korea, there is no day that I am not thinking of Ayumi. Everytime, I travel out of the country, I always called at home and talked to her but now that I am here, I feel lonely everytime I think of home.

I terribly miss her and during this tour I realized so many things. This tour is one of the tour that will definitely help me face the painful days ahead. I still have so many questions and I believe that through travelling I can find the answers. I don’t know but I think I really need to travel for me to feel okay. If I am staying at home, I feel so sad and it’s hard for me to move. I hope that someday, I will find the answers.

Please continue praying for us.

Ayumi had fever for 2 days and on Dec. 31, 2012, we went to hospital. They found out that she had tonsilitis and we need to stay in the hospital because she is not eating. She need fluids to prevent dehydration. We spent our New Year at the hospital. On Jan. 1, 2013, 3am, she had convulsions. That was the first time I saw someone who had convulsions and I was in shocked. January 2, 2013, she turned pale and needs blood transfusion. We transferred to The Medical City (bigger hospital) through an Ambulance, it was my first time. The blood transfusion went well. She was fussy the whole night. They also found out that she had dengue. The dengue team assured to me that they know what they are doing and hoping that Ayumi can survive. While at the ICU, I was keeping an eye on the monitors. Trying to check every minute if all the vital signs are in the normal range. Ayumi was doing great at first then eventually keeps on crying. She keeps on kicking and wanted to remove the machines attached to her. I keep on saying to her that everything will be fine, that she needs those for her to recover. I got my iPad, because that is what she always wants, I played the music she loves. She is looking at my side but not on me, as if she is looking to someone else. That is the time that I feel so afraid. I don’t know but I feel something strange. I started crying. I wanted her to stay with us longer.

Suddenly, her heart rate beats fast up to 200+ then her BP goes down. Before I knew it, the doctors and nurses are everywhere. They are trying there best to save her. Then the heart suddenly stops. They tried to revived her for 30 minutes but still no pulse.

That’s how my world ended.

We visited her today with beautiful flowers and balloons that she love. I hope that wherever she is right now, she feel blessed and love.

 

 

I know that you are happy right now. We miss you so much Ayumi. I love you!

Dear Ayumi,

Tomorrow is the 40th day without you! Most of the days, I still feel the pain. I miss you everyday and God knows how much I long for you. Everyday, I view your pictures and videos and it made me feel good and sad at the same time because I know that you’ve been with us but you’ve gone so soon.

Losing you is the most painful experience and I was so down because of the thought that I can’t have you anymore. You are so precious to us and letting you go is really hard.

As your mom, I would like to promise you something. I know that you’ve known me as a happy and strong mom. Since you’ve been gone, I realized that I was not that same person anymore. Everyday, I turned into a different one. I’m afraid that you might not recognized me anymore because I’ve changed a lot. For the honor of you, I will stay as the mom you’ve known. I will stay as your happy and strong mom. No matter how painful the situation now, I will stay as cheerful as ever. I know that there are days that I will turn into a different one but I promise to give my best to be your best mom. I will continue to live my life to the fullest because I know that is what you want. I will continue to stay as the old me because that is how you know me. Though pain is unbearable but I will live each day with that pain in me, I will continue living each moment with hopes, dreams and love. I hope that in this little sacrifices I have, you will feel proud of all my efforts.

There are some fears and uncertainties and sometimes I don’t know anymore on how to deal with those feelings but I promise to stay strong no matter what the future may brings and I will continue to believe that something better will happen.

I know I will shed more tears and be sad sometimes but believe me, I am trying so hard and I know with your help I can get through this. No more goodbyes because everyday I can still feel you are with us. I can still feel your presence and I believe that you are just one breath a way. Everytime I ask something from you, you always show something that reminds me that you are just around. I am very thankful for that and I know that you will stay with us forever. I feel so blessed to be your mom. I know that you brought so much joys to heaven. I am grateful to God for allowing me to be your mom for 2 years and 5 months. Thank you very much for all the joys you bring to our lives.

Your memories are in my heart forever. Don’t worry about us anymore.  I love so much! I miss you!

Please grow your wings and tell me more about it someday… until then baby!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is a busy day, we had our business Team Building and so far we had fun. I can now start laughing again. It seems that I am back in my old self but then suddenly it hit me again out of nowhere that I terribly missing my little Pillow.

I miss calling her and talking to her. She is a great phone talker and I miss that so much. Everytime I’m not at home, I always called her and I just love to hear her voice. I miss that moment so much.

I wish she will show in my dreams tonight and we will have our conversation again.

I always asked Why? Why all this things need to happen? I have so many questions. I even wondered if I am a bad person. I don’t know but there are so many questions coming everyday. The worst part is I don’t get any answers. Most of the time, I just left the questions hanging.

Everytime I checked her pictures and videos, I still feel amused because I can’t believe it that she is already gone. The videos that I have with her reminds me everyday that she stayed with us. That she is with us for 2 years and 5 months. It hurts so much to think that the life I used to live is now change forever. I can no longer touch her chubby cheeks and feel her kisses and hugs. I miss her everyday!

Moving on? that is what people want me to do. With all the pain I am right now, I don’t think I can move on. I don’t know how to start moving on but believe me, I am hiding the pain. If ever you see me laughing and smiling again, I am not moving on. I am just hiding the pain. The pain that will continue to grow until I will see her again.

Some people told me that I am still young and we can always have a new baby. Yes, we can have but I don’t think I can have a new baby as a replacement for her loss. No one can replace her. If ever we will have a new baby, a baby is not a replacement but a new blessings. Ayumi will always be special and no one can replace her in my heart.

I can have a dozen more children in the future but Ayumi will stay special. I will forever miss her and longing for her.