Category: Grieving Mom

Ayumi

This is the second time I celebrate Halloween without Ayumi and because of that I don’t have any plans anymore of letting Gareth and Xavier join any Treat or Trick. I don’t know but I am not as excited as before. I don’t feel good about it anymore. I don’t see any sense of it just like before. Maybe someday, this will change, if Xavier will requests to join a Treat or Trick. Just… maybe…

Hubby and I visit “Ayumi’s place” around 3pm. It was raining earlier but the weather turns out good when we reached her place. We offer flowers and candle and say a prayer. I really wish it was not this way. I should not be the one visiting my daughter during this time. She should be the one who will put me in that grave but it’s the other way around. That is the reason why I am so down during this moment.

I never stop thinking of her. I never stop dreaming to have her again. I want her back. I really do…

 

 

 

Ayumi…. I will carry you with me till’ I see you again.

 

I miss you so much…

 

If I could hear.....Your Laugh

Missing my baby…

I miss her so much!

I woke up today feeling so lonely. How I wish she is here with me. I wanted to hear her voice again. I wanted her to call me “Mommy”. I miss her so much.

If only I can pick her up to where she is right now I will definitely do it. I wanted to see her ones again. I wanted to talk to her about everything. I wanted to tell her everything that happened in our lives. I want to hug her. I want her back

 

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Kumusta na Ako?

Ayan September na…

Ang bilis ng araw…

If i have to look back, so many things had change. So many things I’ve learned. Sobrang dami na palang nangyari.

Kumusta na ba ako?

Minsan parang ayoko na lang itanong yan sa sarili ko. Minsan parang ayoko na lang irealize ang mga bagay bagay. Ang ginagawa ko na lang kasi ngayon ay nag focus ako sa araw araw na nangyayari sa buhay namin. Kung ano ang nakahain na dapat gawin don ako nag focus. Kung ano ang kaya kong icontrol, don na ako nagfofocus.

May mga tanong pa rin… Pero nakakapagod na.

May mga araw na mahirap pa rin intindihin pero hindi na katulad dati na halos don na lang ako nakatingin.

Marunong na ako ngayong pumili kung ano ang dapat kong unahin at pansinin. Yong mga bagay na masasakit kaya ko ng isantabi muna. Dahil may mas mahalaga akong kailangan gawin.

Pwede pala yon…

Akala ko non malulugmok na ako.

Akala ko non hindi na ako makabangon.

Akala ko non katapusan na..

Pero marunong ang Diyos.

Mas lalo nya akong pinalakas. Mahirap sa umpisa.

Hirap na hirap ako pero hindi NYA ako pinabayaan.

Siguro may mga bagay talaga na kailangan lang nating pakawalan.. para mabawasan din ang bigat ng dinadala natin.

May mga tao sa buhay natin na kahit miss na miss na natin, tingin na lang tayo sa langit at buntonghininga… dahil yon na lang ang pwede nating gawin.

Gustuhin man nating makasama sila ulit pero alam natin na hindi na pwede.

Malamang kasama pa rin natin pero hindi na natin nakikita. So bilang tao, parang wala pa rin yon.

Pero kung pairalin natin ay ang ating faith, don natin maintindihan ang lahat.

Don natin unti unting masasagot ang mga tanong natin.

Oo, masaya na ako ngayon, dahil hindi na ako bumabase don sa nawala sa akin. Dahil dito na ako nakafocus sa kung ano ang binigay sa akin ng Panginoon.

At pwede pala yon….

 

Tiwala lang tayo sa Kanya.

 

Feeling Blah…

I hate it when I woke up and I feel so empty. I don’t know how to start my day. I don’t feel like doing something. You know that feeling that you miss someone but you just can’t express it freely because you know it will not change a thing. You know that you want to questions everything around you but your heart is fighting and your mind keep on reasoning and you have nothing else to do but to accept things the way they are.

You know that feeling that you are wondering what comes next… that feeling that you are afraid to get hurt but you know that it is impossible because that is really life is. One way or another we will get hurt. We will feel that pain…  and you sometimes wish that all of this things are not real.. that the pain is just a dream. But when you wake up it is still there…

Yes, this is the moment when I miss my daughter so much and it seems that she’s really done with me. I miss her so much and I asked her to be in my dreams but I can’t remember anything about her in my dreams. Is she moved on already? Is she busy with her new life up there? Did she forgot that she has a mom here still longing for her?

If so… what else I can do?

That is the reason why I feel the emptiness and loneliness! This one of those moments that I wish all of this is just a bad dream!

I'm fine :">

Trust in Him

When I saw this picture, I instantly realize that it is really very appropriate for my situation. God asked me to give up my daughter because He has better plans. I realized so many things when I lost my daughter. It was a very humbling situation. Some people said that I am still lucky but I really never thought of that when that storm hit me. I never wish anyone to feel what I feel. It was really the greatest heartache that I’ve been through. I never even thought how I made it to this day. I never thought that I will survive. I realized that sometimes we should stop analyzing things. We should stop thinking too much. When I was so tired of thinking to much and analyzing things, that was the time that I don’t want to move on, that I think I should stop living. But when I stop thinking and let God handle everything, that was the time when everything falls into right places. That was also the time I start living.

So if you are experiencing worst right now, just close your eyes and ask God to control everything. Let him do all things. Just believe in Him.

Month of May…

May is almost over and we will be welcoming June. Summer in Philippines is finally over but we are still busy for the Summer in U.S.(online work). But here in the Philippines, it is summer the whole year and because of that I am not yet done for my summer getaway for the coming months.

Time flies so fast… It’s mid of the year already.

Sometimes I just wanted to cry and hold the time… it seems that people and things are keep on moving on. I feel that I lost my daughter for a while already and it seems harder this time. There are days that I miss her so much but I realized that I have nothing else to do but accept it. Maybe right now, I am on the acceptance stage, where I keep reminding myself that it’s all over and I have to let it go. Some of my old friends avoided discussing about Ayumi, I can sense that they don’t want to bring it up because it might dig my emotions and make me feel sad. The thing is, I love to talk about her and I would always love to reminisce about her but I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable so I don’t talk about it if I feel that they are not ready. Then here comes my new friends, some of them I met online or through my business. Some of them don’t really have any idea that I lost a child and when they found out, it is somewhat hard for them to believe then followed by silence.

Different reactions but it all sum up in sympathy and I appreciate it.

Maybe I am going to meet more people who will never have any idea of what I’ve been through and it is really hard for me to talk about it. Just like when Xavier has his check up, the stranger asked if Xavy has eldest siblings and when they found out that I lost her, then there was an awkward silence in the room.

Am I okay?

Yes, I am trying to be okay and now that I have Gareth and Xavier to look after, I should be okay. I should condition myself to be okay. I believe that each one of us has some extra baggage in life and it is up to us on how to carry it. Though I carry an extra heavy baggage, I can carry it well as if its part of me.