Christmas won’t be the same without You!

Dear Ayumi,

Few days from now we will be celebrating Christmas without you. I just wanted you to know that we talk so much about you. Just this morning, when daddy and I went to kuya’s event, we are thinking about you. We wish that you are also with us. We wish that you are with us cheering for your kuya’s first fashion show. I wish so much to hear your jolly voice and feel your hugs and kisses again. We wanted to let you know that everyday we think about you. There were never a day that we never remember you. You are always in our thoughts. We miss you so much baby.

Today, we went to the mall and we are thinking of buying toys for kuya Gareth and Clint but we ended up not getting anything. I saw all the toys that you wanted and I hope to get it for you and you are playing it. But no, I don’t have the guts to get it anymore because it will be useless. I don’t want to stock up those toys and just feel sad everytime I will see it and it’s not you who are playing it.

I also wanted to let you know that I am trying so hard to live a normal life again but maybe I can’t, this is my new normal. I want you to know that we are really trying to rebuild our lives. We are trying to move on and I know with your constant help and guide, we can make it. I know that you are our angel now, I can always feel your presence. Thank you very much. The love that we have for each other will be our deepest connection. You may gone so soon but I know that you will remain with me forever because I keep you in my heart as long as I live.

We are sad but don’t worry, we will get through this. Don’t worry about us, we can handle this. It may be hard and you may feel sad but we are okay. I don’t want you to feel sad for us. Just continue growing your wings and be the best angel as you can be. Live the life that God wants you to be. You can do it baby! Let us follow the will of God for us. I would like you to know that whatever may happen now, everything will be okay at the end. At the end of it all, we will be reunited again.

By the time we will be reunited, that will be the sweetest day of our lives. We will never let each other go ever again. There are times that I become weak again and I cry bucket of tears because I miss you so much. I long for you baby. I wanted to hug and kiss you again.

 

I may not understand the mystery of life and God’s reason, I believe that He has a good reason and it is our own good.

I wish to feel the happiness I feel when you are still with us. I miss my old self. I miss those days that we laugh together for a certain thing. I miss everything about you baby.

Christmas will never be the same again without you Ayumi.

 

Love,

 

Mommy

 

Simple Joys

I order a Candy Crush pillows last week and finally I got it yesterday. I am so happy when I got it because it just made our living room colorful.

Some thought that I am hard to please but believe me, simple things can make me happy.

When we had our Christmas party, my staffs are so afraid to pick my name because they don’t really know what to give. I assure them that anything that they can afford is so okay with me.

I grow up with simple needs and wants. My family is not rich so we are used to eat whatever is being served to us. I am not choosy. I can easily feel contented of what I got. I also don’t demand too much from anyone instead I push myself so hard if I wanted something. I wanted to achieve my wants and needs in my own terms and not by relying to other people.

When I grow up and started dating, some of my family members expected me to marry a rich man but I never feel it that way. I wanted to be with the person I love and not because of money. My only rules before in finding Mr. Right, is that he should be hard working and love me unconditionally. I pray so hard to God to grant my wish. I am so happy that God granted it so soon when I met my husband.

I believe that if you love the person so much and you are hard working, you will definitely reach your goal. As long as you are in one team, nothing is impossible. Some of my friends know how we started. Our life before was so difficult. We can’t even pay our rents, buy our groceries or even afford to ride a Taxi. We went through all that. We just never stop dreaming and start working on our goal. We never stop believing and we put everything in God’s hand. We work so hard and so happy that little by little we are now enjoying the fruits of our labor.

We still have so many plans but for now we are working on it one at time. We wanted to expand our business and opening new businesses soon and I am hoping that everything will go smoothly. I hope and pray that Jesus and Mama Mary will guide us.

 

To My Christmas Angel

Our Christmas this year is way different without Ayumi. She’s our source of Joy and it hurts to know that we will be celebrating our first Christmas without her. Β When I started decorating this year, I really think of her. I know that she will shout “wow” everytime we light our Christmas Tree and I put those cute decors.

I think moving to our new house is really a big help. I see things differently now and everytime I feel sad, the baby inside of me will start kicking. It made me realize that I should not dwell so much on the past but prepare for the new baby’s coming.

So much things are going on in our country lately and it made me feel sad. I feel sad that I don’t feel the same excitement as before when Christmas approaches. There is really a big difference. I am finding ways that will make me feel that same old feeling again but still I can’t. So to take the blues away, I started planning the birth of our new baby. I hope it will make me feel better.

I may don’t understand everything that is going on but I believe God has a reason why all this things are happening. The emptiness I feel will forever stay and I know only time can tell if I can overcome this. As a mother, it is really hard to believe that I lost one but I believe in God’s miracles. I know someday I will understand…

Despite of everything, I still wish everyone a Merry Christmas! Have a blessed one and please don’t forget to share your blessings. πŸ™‚

 

Christmas Party

I will only have one Christmas Party this year and that is with my staff. We have our simple Christmas Party at Dampa sa Libis. I have fun being with them and sharing our gifts. We had a short talk with my staffs and I am happy that they can easily open up with me.

I am looking forward for more Parties with them.

πŸ™‚

I will be posting our pictures soon.

Focus on Things You Can Control

I realized so many things lately. Sometimes I have this questions that keeps on running on my mind but for now it is pointless, specially if it will just make me less as a person. I am in a constant battle of staying happy or drowning myself to sadness. But I think I have both. I am extremely happy and sad at the same time. I am happy that I am pregnant again and everytime I feel the baby’s little kicks and turns I am extremely excited to hold him. I am excited to share the overwhelming love inside of me for our new baby. I am happy that despite what had happened we are now seeing new hope. What made me sad is that I won’t be able to share this happiness with my daughter. I always wonder if only she is here, our life will be more complete and happier. But I should not dwell on that anymore. I need to focus on the things that I can control, on the things that God given to me. God has taken my Ayumi back to Him but He showers us more blessings that we really can’t imagine we can have in less than a year.

There are so many things happened that are hard to explain because that’s how God works. You don’t need to understand everything, you just have to believe in Him.

Gareth’s Place

For 7 years, Gareth is co-sleeping with us. Β But we thought he needs his own space not far from our bed so we decided to set up a place for him. When I told him that he has his own space he was so happy. So whenever he likes playing the iPad or read his books he is staying in his place. He loves it and for the first night that he is in his new bed, I feel sad. I am the one who is not ready. πŸ™

Sometimes it is nice to see that our kids are already independent and I am happy to see it to Gareth. Knowing that he is a special child, I am glad that he is coping and I know one day he can completely cope to everything. I am praying so hard for that.

 

25th Week

Rainbow baby is now on it’s 25th week. I am so glad that I can feel his movement most of the time. I will be having my check up also this coming weekends and I am looking forward to hear his heartbeat. That is the most amazing part. πŸ™‚

I am also checking the baby section of the mall for his clothes. I am so happy to find out that there are organic materials. I prefer organic materials because the softness is way different.

Since I love online shopping too, I am also excited to purchase some of baby’s items online. It is way cheaper than the one in the mall. I even told hubby about it and I got his approval. So, I spend my time most of the time checking the carters, baby r us, old navy and gap websites.

I am also thinking of buying more so that I can sell it too. πŸ™‚ what do you think?