Sleepless Night

Last night, Gareth has fever and until now we are still monitoring his temperature. We don’t sleep well. Today he has diarrhea and slight fever. We already let him take tawa tawa juice and I am hoping that he will feel better soon.

The fear I am feeling last night is so unbearable. The memories I had when Ayumi got sick is keeps on coming back. I am trying my best to just put that fear away and pray so hard that Gareth will feel better soon. I am calling all the angels and saints to help my son.

I know that this feeling will keeps on coming back specially when triggers by the same instances but I am dealing it one day at a time. I know God will help me get through this.

 

I Thank God that I'm not "Living a Life Filled with  Sin". Because all of my Sins were Forgiven when I put my Faith in Jesus Christ( John 3:16).  But still I Strive everyday of my Life to Mature in the Way of Christ Jesus by doing the Will of God( Ephesians 4:13-32)

 

Long Weekend

It’s another long weekend again but we don’t have any plans of going out of town or any activities. I don’t feel like going out because of the weather, it’s raining since last week and it made me so moody. I hate going out but I need to force myself because I need to have a walk. I don’t want to gain so much. I am really controlling my gain weight right now due to my diabetes.

While staying at home, aside of sleeping and reading books, I am now taking extra charge for our business. I monitor everything and it made me very OC again. Well, I am back for being one and eventhough I am just staying at home, my mind are more active.

I am also contemplating of opening our new business but I need to check if we can make it this month. I still need to check the budget. I realized that starting a business is easy but keeping the business on top is a real hard work. I am hoping to reach our goal and I pray that my business will continue to grow.

While my morning sickness is attacking anytime of the day, I need to force myself to go up and let my body cope with the changes. I am lucky that my hubby is very supportive and always willing to help me everytime I don’t feel good.

How’s your day everyone?

Friday

While everyone is posting flashback Friday, I don’t even have the guts to do it regularly not because I don’t have those old pictures but just browsing the old pics will make me sad. So anything that made me feel sad is not welcome as of this moment, specially now that my emotions are not stable due to my hormones.

Anyway, I just stay at home and check my business records and realized that I need to do more to keep my business on track. I am not quite satisfied of the performance of my business and I think I have to do something. I need to focus more on the marketing side. So, while I am staying at home, I am not really relaxing, I am thinking on how to grow my business.

So here I am, thinking of the possible solutions for my business and I hope I can come up of something better.

I had meeting with my staffs and so far they are just waiting for my ideas. Oh my! I just hope that I can come up a better ideas now, even though I am on my first trimester.

I also got a chance to go out, just to destress, we went to supermarket with Gareth. It’s our bonding time. Then we went to the spa to have my ear candling. I feel good after it. I also miss having a massage  but pregnant are not allowed to have it.

 

That’s my Friday…

 

How’s your day?

 

#quote

After The Storm

Finally, I got a chance to go out after 3 days of staying at home. I miss walking so much, so I asked hubby to bring me to the mall. So I got a chance to bought our spa supplies.

After going to the mall, we had coffee then went to the spa to check the staffs. During typhoon, our spa is still open because most of my massage therapist is staying in the spa so they don’t have anywhere to go and decided to keep the spa open even during the typhoon. So, the clients are keep on coming despite the bad weather.  I am so thankful for this awesome blessings.

Anyway, it’s been a while since I talked about the loss of my daughter. In our house, we never stop talking about her. We never stop remembering her. We still always mention her name and it feels so good. I know that most of us are still in grief but we are dealing it one day at a time. Everyday, me and hubby talked about her. We always have this conversation about her only. We still think that she is still with us and though we know that physically she’s not with us but we know that she is still with us most of the time. Sometimes, I can’t help my tears but I know it’s just normal. I know that mother will never ever forget her child.

But, I never focused on that pain anymore. I am excited for this new baby. I am excited to feel the movement. Sometimes, I feel bad if I remember how painful I’ve been through when I lost Ayumi but I think it’s unfair to the new baby if I will keep dwelling on the past. This baby has nothing to do with that painful moment and though sometimes I don’t know if I am really ready for this new one or maybe I am just feeling this because of fear. I am determined to face fear and let go of my fear for the sake of this new baby. I know that we don’t know what the future may brings to us but I will do all my best to protect and show my love for this new baby. The new baby deserves our love and if I will continue to entertain FEAR then it will definitely affect the way I will take care of the baby.

So for now, I will avoid negative thoughts and just focus on good things. There are days that it’s hard but I will try it everyday. There are so much things to be thankful for and though my heart is aching, I am thankful for all the things that are happening to our lives right now.

Whenever I don’t feel good, I am trying to paint and this is what I did today. 🙂

 

 

Typhoon Maring

For 3 days, we experienced non stop rains and it caused flood to some areas of Metro Manila. We are living in Antipolo City and we are very thankful that we are not affected by the flood. I am praying so hard that the rain will stop pouring because I worried to those who are affected of the flood.

That is South Luzon Express Way. It looks like a river.

 

Some of the main road are not passable so there are no works and classes. The nearby provinces also affected and need more food and clothes.

 

 

Since, we cannot go out, we just stayed in our house and just monitor the news by watching TV and chatting with my friends and relatives. I constantly checking on my relatives because they are on the lower area. I am thankful that they are not affected.

Me and hubby got a chance to watch all our downloaded movie and TV series, so we had our little bonding time.

I am praying that tomorrow the sun will shine. No more rains and no more floods.

You can read more about the typhoon through this site.

 

House Warming

August 18, we had our house warming. I made sure to invite my staff, relatives and our neighbors from our previous home. I make sure to finish the interior of the house but of course there are still lacking but those are only minors. I am glad that all those who came to our house love the design. They feel welcome and comfortable.

Since, we love staying in the hotel, I decided to have a hotel feel in our home. So when I plan the interior design, I just put all my ideas and I am so happy for the result.

Here are some of the pictures:

 

 

We always wanted to have a red main door and hubby likes the “Ferrari Red” so when I told the contractor the type of color that we want, I am so happy that he made it the way we wanted it.

 

This is our pink kitchen. The lower part is made of granite then I made the cabinets pink because in bagua map, our kitchen is in our love area. So pink is the perfect color.

 

 

Our dining area. I got the 8 seater dining table at Paco Manila, where you can find the unique pieces in a not so high price. It is the best place if you are looking for nice furniture.

 

 

This is our living area. I want it simple and comfortable.

 

 

Crystal Chandelier at our living area.  I got it from Home Depot at Ortigas, Pasig.

 

“Family Corner” where I place our pictures, books and some home accessories.

 

 

Our bedroom. I love everything inside our bedroom. 🙂

 

 

Our T & B. 🙂  I just love the gray tiles.

 

 

 

Hope

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I read somewhere that we really can’t control of all the things that will happen to our lives. Some are just so uncontrollable that all we can do is just to let it happen. When my daughter died, I wish I’ve done things differently but I realized that I’ve my best. All my best to let her stay but if it’s our fate to experience all this things then I just let it happen. Since then, I am not a controlling person as I was before. I don’t force things that I know that can’t be done. I let things flow in a natural way. In that way, my fears are lessen and I tend to enjoy life.

I don’t know but I feel so relax this days. I know that I have nothing to worry about. I know that God is in control of everything and I like it this way. I don’t want to stress myself on things that I can’t control and force the nature to answer all my questions. I just let things and I am hoping for the best to come. As long as I am not doing things that can affect other people lives then I have nothing to worry about.

My ultimate goal right now is to help. I am glad that I started a Scholarship Foundation through my daughter’s name. I am also focus on giving works. It is a nice feeling that you are helping people to have something on their table to eat. It feels so good that you are helping them build that dreams again that they never thought is possible. I like seeing happy faces and I will continue doing it for the rest of my life. I will use the blessings I have in giving hopes for the people around me.

Even in my darkest days, I am glad that I can still shed light. I am thankful for all the people that prays for me and for my family. I believe that those prayers is a big help that I was able to see hopes.

So no matter how hard it may be, I just hang on and believe that this too shall pass.

 

 

Picture Frames

I need to print pictures for the new picture frames I brought, so I checked our old albums and while browsing I really can’t help but feel sad just seeing the pictures of my daughter.  I turn different pages of our album and some of it made me smile as well. In moment like this, I don’t know if I have to focus on the past that hurts me or focus on the future that is still a mystery. I am excited for our future but the past is really overwhelming that sometimes it’s hard for me to let it go.

I know that we should not focus on our past anymore but for me that is still attached to the wonderful memories of the past, that is hard for me. Well, there are moments that I can just let my past go but I think not today. Oh my, I am just so sentimental today. I know someday I will get through it too just like what I did before in my past and since I am not yet there, I have to endure this pain now and wait for that right time to finally let it go. I don’t want to force myself, I think I should give myself enough time to move on completely.

Grieving is not a process but it’s a cycle. A never ending cycle but  I believe that time will come that the only left is just a memory but the pain will eventually vanish. Yesterday, I got a chance to have a conversation with our helper and house builder. Our helper lost a baby due to heart failure and our house builder lost a 2 year old son due to heart failure too. Actually, they are around in there late 40’s and when they talked about losing a child, I can still feel the pain. While they are sharing their stories, I can’t help my tears from flowing. This people around me, who are with me almost everyday are also in pain just like I do. They are just carrying the pain silently and they really try to go on with their lives, just like normal. You really never know what other people are carrying unless you have a heart to heart conversation with them.

Just like them, I know that I can go on with my life too. I know that I can face our future with hope and love but the pain in the past will be forever in my heart and that hole in my heart will only be fill by the missing person of my life. I know that I will forever long for her but I know that she will help me face the future.

Yesterday, when I went to supermarket and browsing the utensils section I saw a feather in between the fork and spoon. I was so shocked and I almost cry. I talked to Ayumi when she passed away that I will know that she is with us by showing us a feather. After I told her about it, I already forgot that request because I never got a chance to see a feather but last night was different. It only shows that she is really trying her best to show to us that she is still with us. Death can’t even separate us. The love we have for each other is so strong.

 

Maybe, I don’t really understand until now the reason why I don’t have her anymore but I know someday I will know why. I believe that He never leave us during this storm and will definitely show the rainbow.

 

Have a blessed day everyone!

 

 

Random

Map necklace

Since I love to travel and a travel agency owner, I think I wanted to have something like this necklace. 🙂

 

I am in the office today and suddenly I feel sleepy. This is the hard part of the First Trimester. I am loving every moment of it but sometimes feel exhausted. I love the feeling of being pregnant and I am looking forward to feel the baby’s movement.

My tummy is quite bigger than usual and some are thinking that I might carrying twins. OMG! nakakaloka if ever!

I also order 10 ebooks yesterday and I started reading today and it made me feel more sleepy.

 

So while, I am having this First Trimester roller coaster ride, I have to keep myself busy.

 

…is it sad that I do this?

 

Positive Inspirational Quotes: I may not be there yet...

 

I am taking things slowly right now. I know I need to have enough rest and just relax my mind from all the worries. I know I can do this.