Eight Weeks

Today is the 8th week of my pregnancy. It feels like the first time. I have my morning sickness for the rest of the day. My cravings are not that bad. I can manage to avoid sweets and too much carbohydrates since I have diabetes. So far my sugar is within the normal range and I am glad that I started taking insulin this early. I am more relax this time than I have in my previous pregnancy.

 

I continue praying to Mama Mary and Padre Pio to have a healthy pregnancy. There are moments that I can’t still believe that I am really carrying a new baby in my tummy and though I am still in pain due to what happened, I am trying so hard to control my emotions because I don’t want that this baby will be affected. I am just hoping that this baby will change the way I think and see  life. Since, I lost my daughter, I have this negative view about life and I feel that I will be forever in that painful state but now that I am pregnant, I started to see life differently. I started believing that something better is about to happen and I believe that God will definitely show me the right path and make me feel better soon.

I am thankful for all the people who are helping me and praying for my family. I know that they are the reason why I got enough strength everyday to face the challenges of life.

 

 

Thankful

 

There are so many things to be thankful for. But sometimes when our heart is full of trouble we overlooked the good things about life. Sometimes we have to open our hearts for the great things around us and just focus on the good things. In that way, we will appreciate the beauty of life and we will be able to find the peace and happiness that we are longing for.

10th Year Wedding Anniversary

 

Yes, we just celebrated our 10th year wedding anniversary.

 

Here’s my message to my husband on our FB Wall:

 

Dear, we both know it has been a rough ride. However, I don’t care how bumpy the road is as long as I’m not taking this ride all by myself. Yes, it was a rough ride but the sweetest of it all because we are together.

If I will be given a second chance to choose who’s going to be my husband I’ll still choose you…
Because with you, I have no doubt.

This is a day to celebrate another year of love and joy.
More blessings and victories will be added in the list.
I’m looking forward to live the coming years with you in my arms.

I love you. Happy anniversary.
Happy 10th year wedding Anniversary!
I love you very much!

 

I can’t deny the fact that our 10 years together was not smooth sailing. We had fights and sometimes we lost control of the things. Sometimes, I came to a point that I wanted to give up our marriage but I am so thankful that my husband never gave up. I am thankful to God for giving me a wonderful husband.

I am looking for more happy years with him. I hope God grant us what we wish for.

 

Have a blessed day everyone!

Diabetic Pregnant

I have type 2 diabetes and the truth is I don’t know where I got it. I am not really into sweets but I got my gestational diabetes when I got pregnant with my eldest. Since then, my blood sugar is hard to control. Now that I am pregnant again, I am very careful and watch my blood sugar regularly. During my blood test, my blood sugar is out of control and I went to my Endo at Medical City and the only way to control my blood sugar is through insulin. Since on 5th week, I am already taking insulin. The truth is, my numbers is in a control stage. I can eat everything with moderation. My doctor told me that I can’t eat fruits for 2 weeks and so far follow it for the first week but later on when I have cravings, I also give in but in a small amount only.

I am using a Flexpen Insulin and so far its easy to use. Today, when I woke up, my blood sugar is 95mg/dl and this is the first time ever that I got that number. I feel so good. 🙂 I know that I have nothing to worry because God is in control of everything.

I know that I should not deprive myself with food I wanted to eat as long as it is good for the baby. I hope that my blood sugar will stay controlled for the rest of my pregnancy and I hope that the baby is healthy.

I am on my 7th week now, too early for the ultrasound. I can’t wait to feel the movement. I am sleepy most of the time and I have this cravings sometimes at night so I let my husband get it for me and I’m happy that it’s not a weird cravings.

7th Week

Major organs have all begun to form. The embryo has developed its own blood type, unique from the mother’s. Hair follicles and nipples form and knees and elbows are visible. Facial features are also observable. The eyes have a retina and lens. The major muscle system is developed and the embryo is able to move.

 

Birthday Gift

I got my new birthday gift from Hubby. It was quite late but it’s okay because we made sure first that the we transfer to our new place.

 

 

 

I wanted this Celine Bag since last year but I can’t afford it yet so I decided to wait. I am very happy when I got it. 🙂

 

I am very thankful not just for the material things but for the life and blessings that we have. I will continue to share whatever I have right now because I know that God grant me this blessings so that I can offer it too to others.

 

Anyway, I stayed now at home and just work from here. For the past 2 days, we are busy for the interior designing of our house and I realized that I should take a break today.

 

 

 

Rainbow Baby

 

When I lost Ayumi, I know that I can have a new baby, not as a replacement for her because the truth is, no one can replace her. I wanted a new baby because we are longing to have a baby. Before Ayumi died, we are planning to have a new baby and I was joking to Ayumi days before she passed away that I have a baby in my tummy, at first she don’t like it, she got mad and cry but I explained to her that the baby is cute and will call her “Ate”, she stopped crying and kissed my tummy. Everytime I remember that scene, I know that I have her approval. 🙂

The night I found out that I am pregnant, I have this wonderful dream, I saw Ayumi dancing. She’s so happy and shouted “Mommy” in her very cheerful voice. Then I woke up and I know that she is really happy on what is going on to our life right now.

 

I am 7 weeks pregnant. When I found out, I really can’t believe it. I let the day pass first and watch my body change. I feel morning sickness at night and most of the time I am sleepy. Then I realized that it is real.

So I never wasted time and inform my friends about it. I got overwhelmed by the response. They are very happy. I really can’t believe that my friends are so happy with this new blessings. This pregnancy has a big impact to all my friends because they know how much I suffered when I lost my daughter. I become a different person.

I am excited for this new baby and I am taking extra effort to take care of my body this time because I am thinking of the safety of the baby.

Please say a prayer that this baby will be ours for the rest of our lives.

Thanks everyone!

 

God bless!

Happy Birthday Ayumi!

If only you are here with us today, we will be having a grand celebration, just like what we used to do. Maybe for the past 3 months I am busy preparing for your birthday. Maybe I already order your birthday gown months before your birthday. But not… I never did all those things because there we don’t have you anymore here. You are there and I know that you are happier in Heaven now.

I feel so sad today knowing that I cant’ have you in your very special day. The emptiness is here to stay and I don’t know if this will go away. I wish to hug and kiss you on your birthday. I wish to sing you a song. I want to see your happy face again. I miss you so much Pillow.

This is your first birthday without us and I hope that you have the best birthday in Heaven. Please always remember that we love you so much. No matter how hard I wish that you are here with us today, I know it’s hard.

I really can’t stop crying… my tears are just keep on falling. I just miss you so much!

 

 

Happy Birthday in Heaven

I wish you were here today
even for just a little while
so I could say Happy Birthday Pillow
and see your beautiful smile.

The only gifts today will be
the gifts you left behind;
The laughter, joy and happiness…
precious memories…the best kind.

Today I’ll do my very best
to try and find a happy place…
struggling to hide my heavy heart
and the tears on my face.

I’ll sit quietly and look at your picture
thinking of you with love;
hoping you’re doing ok
in Heaven up above.

May the angels hold you close and
sing you a happy song…
and I’ll be sending wishes to you
today and all year long.

Faith Tested

When I talk to the Mother Superior of the Sisters of Mary, she told me that what happened was a test of Faith. She talked to me about it when I was so down and whatever she is telling me that time is hard to process. Now that it will turn 7 months without my daughter, I realized that she is right.

When I lost Ayumi, my faith was really affected. I really can’t deny it. I even questioned God. I even wonder what I did wrong that made me experienced such unbearable pain. Ayumi is my joy, she always brighten my days and she is the one who can make me laugh so hard. She always made me feel good and losing her is really so hard. The first few days was so hard. I don’t want to wake up anymore. I don’t want to do things I used to do. I am so lost.

But… with the help of the people around me, specially my husband and my son, I started to face the reality. The painful truth that I can’t have her anymore in this world is so hard. With the constant prayer from the people who loves my family, I accepted the fact that I should go on my life without her. I even wonder where I got the strength because I feel that during those darkness moment of my life, I feel God’s love. I feel God’s presence. I know that He is carrying me and helping me get through all the pain day by day.

My faith was shattered but it was not that long. Through that very moment I realized that God don’t want to hurt me but what happened was part of my life plan. That even Him can’t do nothing about it but all He can do is to be with me during those painful moment of my life. In that very moment, I feel God’s love, a love that I never felt before. A connection between us that only the Creator can shower to His people. Those are the undying love of God to us.

Since then, I never stop thanking God for every blessings He showered to our lives. I thank Him to let me become a mother of Ayumi and letting me experience to be her mom. I am so proud to become a Mom of an Angel. Maybe, God choose to be her mom because He know that I can gave Ayumi the best 2 years of her life. I feel so Honor. It is such a blessing to become her mother.

I also continue doing charity works. Even before I lost Ayumi, I already supported a congregation. I see to it to share my blessings to them and I am inspired to work hard because I am willing to share more. I share more this time because I know the feeling of having nothing.

Lessons Learned In Life.

 

Maybe, my faith was tested and I am so glad that I made it through. It made me become a better person and realized that even on those darkest days, when we thought that we are alone, those are the special moment when God carries us and sometimes because of the unbearable pain, we don’t recognize that He was there. The truth is… He never leave us. He loves us sooo much!

 

#hope #trevor #trevorproject

 

Rain Rain Go Away

It’s been raining for a week already…

 

I just wanted to stay at home but I really can’t. I have so many things to do.

 

So here I am, just staying in the office and hoping to finish my work.

 

Today is just a great day!

Dengue

I hate the fact that I lost my daughter due to Dengue. I hate mosquitos so much! If only I can gather them in one place and kill all of them I will definitely do it. I heard so many horrible stories from parents who lost a child because of Dengue. It’s so devastating that as a mom, we don’t know how we can protect our kids from the danger of Dengue. I hope the vaccine will be available soon.

 

Just like yesterday, my friend’s daughter has dengue and the platelet is going down. Upon receiving her text message, I panicked. It seems that all the traumas are replaying on my mind. I hate it but I have to deal with my friend text message. Although I am trembling, I still manage to reply to her inquiries and I am trying to keep her calm. I really know the feeling. The feeling of emptiness and hopeless because you are not sure if the Doctor are really giving what is best for your child. What is really frustrating is that, there is no treatment for Dengue. You will just let the body fight the infections and all the Doctor can do is to provide paracetamol and fluids and I think those are not enough.

 

When I was in the hospital with Ayumi, I really can’t think of any possible solutions. I really can’t think straight. All I wanted to do is to stare the heart monitors and wipe her body because she had high fever.

Last night, I do some research, actually, this is the first time I did it, since I lost my daughter. I research treatment for Dengue and I got a chance to browse a website that the papaya leaves can cure Dengue. I am so happy when I found out about it, so I texted my friend and she told me that she will try it to her daughter.

 

If you are reading my blog, please say a little prayer for my Friends’s Daughter.

 

Thanks!