Ayumi – Page 6 – Bubbly Mom

Have a Thankful Heart

#struggle #your #life #shaped #person #today #thankful #hard #times #stronger #quote

When I feel down, I just look around me and appreciate the good things I have in life. There are moments when I wonder what is really my purpose but I realized that I should stop finding it out but I have to create my own purpose. Sometimes I don’t have the guts to do anything or I don’t realized the good things in life because of the pain I encounter but I know I should stop dwelling on that part because it will just affect on how I am dealing my every day life.

Of course I am still grieving and I know that I will forever long for my daughter. I will forever miss her. I am not holding back my tears if I wanted to cry. I often talk to hubby about the pain. We talk most of the time about our loss. But after expressing ourselves we need to go back to our daily routine because we know that we need to function well.

As what I always say, the new baby is not a replacement but a glimpse of hope for us to stand still. Some friends wishes us to have a new baby girl after our daughter died but deep inside of me I am wishing a baby boy. I am glad that God grant us this wonderful gift. Having a baby boy will help us to cope up. We will not compare this baby to his sister because they are way different. I can purchase any toys or baby items without comparing what I got before for Ayumi.

I always believe that God has a better plan and I trust in His plan.

“No one loses a child the way a mother loses one. We are the ones who first felt life, carried it and protected them, nourished them, sacrificed our bodies for them, held them first in our hearts, then first into our arms. We were not only connected through flesh, but on levels so deep, you really have nothing to compare it to metaphysically. It is a love so raw, and so elemental that is just present – just there from the beginning. We have a link to our children that cannot be replicated. No one understands a grieving mother except for another grieving mother. No one else can begin to understand that void that surrounds us, shadows us, haunts us. our children’s screams that we can no longer answer, their bodies we can no longer grab and embrace, their tears we can no longer dry, their hurts that we can no longer make better. They then become our own unanswered screams, our bodies that become un-embraceable, our tears that can never be dried and our hurts that never stop. There are constant reminders of what we live without, and must live without until we die- sometimes it feels like it’s life’s cruel way of taunting us. The grieving mother is never whole again, never fully present, because a piece of her heart and soul leave her with her child’s last breath.”

Tired…

I am so tired of being sad. Lately, I am browsing a lot of my daughter’s pictures and I feel sad. I am not crying anymore but deep inside of me I am very sad. I am longing for her. I wish to have her back.

But being sad is so tiring. I am tired of it already… I want to stop myself of being sad but I don’t know how to do it.

I really don’t know…

Not applicable

I think this quote is not applicable for me. I will definitely cry over and over again because I lost a daughter. I know that forever I will be longing to have her back in our lives but for now I will cry my heart out whenever needed. It made me feel good after crying, it helps a lot. I know I can’t move on if I don’t express my feelings freely.

The Kisses

Today is one of those loneliest day of my life. Everyday I miss you, but today is different. I cried so hard because I wanted so hard to have you back again. I miss all your kisses and hugs. I wish to God that you are happy right now. I know you misses us so much too but I know someday we will be together again.

I miss you soooo much Ayumi!

9th Month in Heaven

Today is Ayumi’s 9th month in Heaven. Long 9 months without her in our life is very hard. There are lot of changes. We live differently now. We are not as easy as before. We see life in a different view now. I don’t know but I think we will never be the same ever again.

The pain is still here but not as intense as the first months maybe because slowly some of my questions are answered. Ayumi is really helping me get through this painful moment of our life. I know that she guided us all the way. She is really our Angel. I am so lucky to have her as our Angel. Everyday, I don’t feel alone and lost anymore. I know that Ayumi is helping me find my purpose.

To my Ayumi, I know that you are in a better place now. I know that you are happy in Heaven. I know that someday we will be together again.

Here's another one I didn't really understand until recently <3 Even if it may involve similar characters, it will be completely different if it's meant to be.

Last night, I miss my Ayumi so much. Actually, I miss her everyday. I wanted to hug her again. I miss her little hands around my neck. I miss her kisses. But suddenly, I stop. I should not be dwelling much on the past. I should not be dwelling much on the pain. Sometimes, it is nice to visit that painful past over and over again but we should learn to stop if we know that it is already affecting us. As a mom, the memories of my daughter will always be with me and the pain will never fade. It is always deep inside of me and no matter how hard I try, there is a lowest point where I allow myself to dig in.

I am trying to check my phone last night for Ayumi’s pictures but I keep on browsing and realize that it’s been 8 months and all her pictures are now on the lowest part of the file. We added more pictures everyday as a sign that we are moving on with our life. I wanted to post pictures of her but I realized that I should stop. It will just reopen the scar and it hurts me more.

I just finished reading this book. Actually, I am collecting Paul Coelho books and this one is really about his journey. I learn so much about him particularly about Life, Death and determining our Past. This book is really amazing and I realized that we never died, we are just going to a different place, still aware of everything. So, I believe that Ayumi just left us physically but she is still with us always. I know that she is guiding us and helping us get through all the pain.

Then and Now

Mother Daughter Love | motivational love life quotes sayings poems poetry pic picture photo ...

It’s raining for around 3 days already and her I am so tired to go out but I have to just to check our business. I am also thinking of starting the construction of our cafe shop next week so that will definitely make me busier.

I am taking things easy right now, I am on my 2nd trimester and I can’t wait to feel the real movement of the baby and of course finding out the gender.

I am happier now but never comes a day that I never think of Ayumi. I still miss her everyday and wondering how my life will be if she is still here with us. Probably, we never move to a new house and maybe I am not this strong. Maybe, I am still the same full of anxiety and fears. I don’t know but July last year I feel something strange. I feel that there is something bad is going to happen and that is when I feel fear and develop depression that even my husband don’t understand me. Last December, when we attended Mass, I feel different again, I don’t feel good but still I managed to celebrate our Christmas with ease.

Then, I had this dream, I talk to a man, I am begging him not to take my child, I even cried helplessly but he keeps on telling me that it need to happen to make me whole. We had a debate and I begged but he never listened. Until, I woke up crying. I know by that time that I will lose a child. Everyday, I pray for it. I hope that it will not happen. I asked all the angels and saints to protect my children.

But, it still happened. I realized now that no matter how hard we pray or asked them for an extension but if it will be the time, we can’t do nothing but accept it. It’s hard to accept and even now, my mind can’t still process everything that had happened but I stop questioning anymore, instead I accept it with all my heart.

The more I questioned the more I get hurt. I realized that the man I had a talked was my angel. I know that he is helping me to cope and understand why such painful things happened. I know that I until now he is guiding me and I am very thankful for him.

Sometimes, we just need to let go and let God to the rest.

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck - Dalai Lama

8 Months Without Ayumi

I can’t believe it that I am counting the months without my daughter instead of posting her development. It’s always heartbreaking to know that I can’t have her anymore. I miss her everyday and the love I have for her continues to grow. Last night, we went to Eastwood and saw that they have this Chocolate Event, I remember last year that we went there and Ayumi got her favorite bear and we name the bear Choco.

Ayumi with Choco.

If only she is here, maybe we will be getting new toys for her.

I miss you so much baby!

It’s 8 months already but it seems that our hugs and kisses was just yesterday. I still remember every detailed about you. I love you very much! You are always my baby!

If Only I Knew

If only I knew that I would lose a child, do you think I will still carry her in my tummy for 9 months?

If only I knew that the day will come that I will bury her, do you think I will still carry her around?

If only I knew that I will not see her again, do you think I will still give her the grandest parties?

If only I knew that I will not hug her for that long, do you think I will still spend sleepless nights with her when she was sick?

If only I knew that I will not hear her voice again, do you think I will ignore her every words?

If only I knew that I will choose a casket for her, do you think I have to plan her future?

If only I knew that I can’t have her in my side during the night, do you think I will still buy her a blanket to comfort her?

If only I knew that her days are just numbered, do you think I will take millions of pictures of her?

If only I knew that it would be her last Christmas, do you think I will get her all the toys that she wants?

If only I knew that I won’t be having her kisses anymore, do you think I will ask for more kiss or just avoided her kisses?

If only I knew that it would be this hurt losing a child, do you think I still have the courage to have her in my life?

No one knows that it will happen.

And even if I knew, I will never change a single thing.

I don’t have regrets for everything I’ve done for her.

Because that is the mother’s love and she deserves it all.

She deserves all my love and attention and if ever she will live again and I knew that it will end the way it ended, I will still show the love and care for her.

I will not change anything though I know how hard it is to lose a child.

Whatever the pain I’ve been through, I will take it all because having her in my life is bigger than the pain I am experiencing now.