Category: Ayumi

I need to print pictures for the new picture frames I brought, so I checked our old albums and while browsing I really can’t help but feel sad just seeing the pictures of my daughter.  I turn different pages of our album and some of it made me smile as well. In moment like this, I don’t know if I have to focus on the past that hurts me or focus on the future that is still a mystery. I am excited for our future but the past is really overwhelming that sometimes it’s hard for me to let it go.

I know that we should not focus on our past anymore but for me that is still attached to the wonderful memories of the past, that is hard for me. Well, there are moments that I can just let my past go but I think not today. Oh my, I am just so sentimental today. I know someday I will get through it too just like what I did before in my past and since I am not yet there, I have to endure this pain now and wait for that right time to finally let it go. I don’t want to force myself, I think I should give myself enough time to move on completely.

Grieving is not a process but it’s a cycle. A never ending cycle but  I believe that time will come that the only left is just a memory but the pain will eventually vanish. Yesterday, I got a chance to have a conversation with our helper and house builder. Our helper lost a baby due to heart failure and our house builder lost a 2 year old son due to heart failure too. Actually, they are around in there late 40’s and when they talked about losing a child, I can still feel the pain. While they are sharing their stories, I can’t help my tears from flowing. This people around me, who are with me almost everyday are also in pain just like I do. They are just carrying the pain silently and they really try to go on with their lives, just like normal. You really never know what other people are carrying unless you have a heart to heart conversation with them.

Just like them, I know that I can go on with my life too. I know that I can face our future with hope and love but the pain in the past will be forever in my heart and that hole in my heart will only be fill by the missing person of my life. I know that I will forever long for her but I know that she will help me face the future.

Yesterday, when I went to supermarket and browsing the utensils section I saw a feather in between the fork and spoon. I was so shocked and I almost cry. I talked to Ayumi when she passed away that I will know that she is with us by showing us a feather. After I told her about it, I already forgot that request because I never got a chance to see a feather but last night was different. It only shows that she is really trying her best to show to us that she is still with us. Death can’t even separate us. The love we have for each other is so strong.

Maybe, I don’t really understand until now the reason why I don’t have her anymore but I know someday I will know why. I believe that He never leave us during this storm and will definitely show the rainbow.

Have a blessed day everyone!

I miss my little Ayumi so much.  The last scene keeps on playing on my mind right now. It’s quite different because I don’t panic anymore everytime I remember that painful moment. I am just wondering the exact time she last breath. I don’t know but it just made me sad.

I wanted to shout! I have questions but it seems that I can’t find the answer.

I am so emotional lately…

I even wonder what she is doing right now. I wanted to know her daily activities. I wanted to know her more. I wanted to have her more.

I am just longing for my baby and I can’t help but feel the emptiness and sadness again.

Being strong is not enough because there are really moments that I will fall in misery.

Moving on…

The truth is, I don’t know if I am moving on but I am just living my life in a moment. I don’t want to think to much about the past. I am now focused on my goal but there are moment that I need to stop because I don’t feel like moving.

During that moment, I just let myself feel the pain again. I let myself grieve and express my feelings. Hubby is always willing to listen and we talk about it most of the time. Yesterday, while waiting for our staff, we went inside the Mall and saw cute little dress and shoes. We usually go there to shop with her but there are times that I forgot that she is not with us anymore. I get the dresses and shoes while hubby keeps on stopping me. I even told hubby to get it because I want it for Ayumi but he stopped me. Sometimes, I think that she might come back so at least I have something for her. I don’t know but sometimes I think that way.

When  I hear her favorite song, I know that she is just around, trying to let me feel her presence.

I still checked her videos and I still laugh and wishes that she is still with us.

Actually, I already stop browsing her pictures. I don’t know why.

I checked her clothes and hug her favorite toys and it made me feel good.

Sometimes I wonder if she is still with us, what would be my life now. I miss all her stories.

It’s okay.. because I know someday we will be together again.

Dear Pillow,

How are you? I miss you so much today! Mommy is very busy today but you are still always in my mind. I miss you sooo much! I realized that I may never have you here but I know that you are always watching over us. I love you so much.

Mommy is always longing for you.

Please continue to guide us always.

You are my sweet and beautiful angel always.

I love you very much!

Mommy

Dear Ayumi,

Today is the 5th month without your kisses, hugs and giggles. I would like to let you know that we miss you everyday. We talked so much about you everyday. We miss your kisses, hugs and stories. I wanted to hear them again and I always wanted to have you back. I know it won’t happen but I believe that someday we will be together again. I am always longing for a daughter like you. You will always be my joy. I know that you are happy and always watching us always and thank you for that.

We are trying so hard to live this life as normal as possible. We are trying to stay positive despite of losing you. One day, we might understand why but today, I will stop asking why anymore. I try to accept that there are things we can’t control and change. We may not be together but it doesn’t stop us of loving you. You are our wonderful daughter and you are the reason why we are doing great things because we wanted you to feel proud that despite our loss we can still go on loving you and be the best person.

There are hard days but we believe that one day we will find the rainbow again.

It’s the busiest day in Heaven,
I’m planning a big surprise,
To let you know I love you
and that no one ever dies.

Even though you’re down below
and I am up above,
I’m sending you these wishes
and all my Angel love.

It’s really quite exciting
to plan this big event,
For lots of gifts will come your way
and all are Heaven sent.

First I’ll take a bubble bath ~
my splashes might cause some rain,
But knowing all the fun I’m having
will help to ease your pain.

Next I’ll get some pictures
in my halo and my gown,
So when you get to Heaven,
you can show them all around.

I have color crayons in Heaven,
so I’ll draw some stars so bright
And place them in the sky today
for you to see tonight.

Then Jesus will have story time
and I will sit upon his lap,
He’ll tell me all about you
just before I nap.

I’ll wake up full of energy
and play a game or two,
Before I finish sending
all my love to you.

After snack I’ll write a song
for all the birds to sing,
And know I’ve made you happy
with all the joy it brings.

At night time I’ll be tired,
but I’ll still hold you tight,
My arms will wrap around you
and keep you through the night.

And when you finally slumber,
I will kneel to pray
Asking God to bless you
on this special Mother’s Day.

Love,
Your Little Angel