My Life Through Pictures
Last night while talking to hubby:
Me: Did you miss her?
Hubby: Of course.. everyday.
Me: Really?
Hubby: Yes
Me: How not to miss her?
Hubby: That is impossible…
Yes.. that is really impossible because she is our child. A parent will miss her child every time we breath.
I miss my baby so much today. I wake up earlier than usual. I don’t know but I can’t go back to sleep. I want to hug her again. I really miss hugging and kissing her.
How I wish she is still with us…
But in moment like this, I just remember our conversation:
Pillow: (Wake up crying) Patay
Me: Sino?
Pillow: Lilo (referring to herself)
Me: No. Hindi pwede, malulungkot si mommy.
She never said anything after that. She just hug and kiss me. That is how we said our goodbyes. That’s how she informed me that she will die. That’s how she prepared me. I never thought that our conversation that time will help me in this moment of sadness. She is truly our angel. She never failed to help me.
But how I wish it never happened.. how I really wish that I can still see her today playing and full of life. I really wish…
Since my daughter died, I never thought that answering a certain question can be so hard. When I go out and meet strangers and all of a sudden they asked me “How many children do you have?” I really don’t know how to answer it not because I don’t know the answer but I don’t know how to express myself.
But I am getting used to it and sometimes I have this quick reply. Before I got pregnant and someone pop the question I just say 2, specially if Gareth is not with us. If Gareth is with us I just say 1 and hoping that no follow up questions.
Now that I am pregnant, some asked, “pang ilan na yan? (pointing to my big tummy)” and I just say 2.
I never thought that it will be this hard. I just don’t feel good if I have to talk about the loss to a stranger. I also don’t want to change the mood of the other person because when I start talking about it, most of the time they got affected and I feel bad too and sometimes it will not stop me from crying. I don’t want to cry infront of the stranger.
Of course I love to talk about Ayumi in a right time and place and maybe to a right person. So if you are reader of my blog and it happens that you see me, don’t ask the hardest questions but just let me know that you are reader of my blog and through that, I know that you know that soft spot of me.
At first, I really don’t know how to celebrate this event but I later realized that it is worth celebrating. It is always my pleasure to have a child like Ayumi. I am proud that I am her mom. I am lucky to know her even for just a short time. I am happy that with her I know the feeling of having a daughter. I know how to laugh my heart out because she’s funny little girl. I am so proud to be her mom. I am sure that Heaven gains a beautiful angel through her and I know that she will bring so much happiness in Heaven. It is indeed a beautiful place to stay because my daughter is there. 🙂
We visited her place yesterday and stayed longer. We bring her favorite food and we just talked about her. I miss her so much but I am trying to let her go. I am trying to move forward. It is a year full of pain, emptiness and longing. It was difficult and we have so many first without her.
I believe that she is happy wherever she is now and I continue to believe that she will always guide and protect us always. She is truly our angel.
I also believe that it is about time to move on. I need to let go. I should not dwell much on the pain anymore. I should start picking up the pieces and continue to live a life that God designs for me.
I know that every now and then I will feel the pain and emptiness but I just have to deal with it one day at a time.
I don’t know how to express what I feel but my body is trembling everytime I remember that moment when my daughter passed away. Few days from now will be her First Year Anniversary in Heaven. Everything seems replaying. Sometimes, I can’t focus because I remember how exactly it happened.
I feel so helpless… I really don’t know how to express my feelings. I wanted to scream but I can’t do it. There is no reason for me to do it. I pray so hard that Ayumi will help me get through this. I am so afraid…
I know it is not the best time to feel this way because we should be celebrating New Year soon but I really can’t help it…
I remember last year when we celebrated New Year at the hospital. Just when I thought that she is doing well, the worst happened. All I remember was, her heart beat was so fast and the doctors and nurses were keep on checking on her. They are trying to keep her vital signs back to normal but it seems that all the medications are not working. Until her heart rate dropped. They try to bring her back for 30 minutes. I don’t want them to stop. I even asked the Head Doctor to continue what they are doing. I am willing to wait. But… when I saw her body that was so weak already and not responding anymore… I shout… I let them stop!
That was when I heard my husband shouted his heart out. It was the moment that I really can’t believe that I lost my precious child. That is the moment that I know my life will be change forever. That is the moment that I realized that I cannot hear her voice again. That is the moment that I know that I can’t have her kisses and hugs again.
That was the loneliest moment of my life. In that particular moment, part of me died too. Part of me has gone too with her. Part of me will never be whole ever again.
That was the moment I held her for the last time. After that very moment, I don’t want to go near to her dead body because I know she is not there anymore. I know that it is just a body and I don’t feel her there anymore. I can’t cry that moment. I don’t know how to express my feelings. It seems that everything is unreal. It seems that I have a nightmare!
I just wish that God never allow this things to happen. I wish He let her stay with us. I wish to have it differently but it seems that God is already sure of what He wanted to do with my life. At first, I questioned God and got mad at Him. It is really a test of faith. As the days and months passes by, slowly I learned to accept it. You will definitely see how I accepted the whole thing if you are a reader of my blog. It was hard but there is nothing else to do.
I renew my faith and believe that whatever happened was really good for my soul. It might serve my purpose here on Earth. It’s hard to understand but I just trust everything to God.
There are bad moments but there are also good moments. Maybe, what I feel lately is one of those bad moments and I believe that this too shall pass.
Mama Mary and Jesus please help me get through this.
I hope that my little Ayumi is doing great in Heaven right now. I miss her so much…
Dear Ayumi,
Few days from now we will be celebrating Christmas without you. I just wanted you to know that we talk so much about you. Just this morning, when daddy and I went to kuya’s event, we are thinking about you. We wish that you are also with us. We wish that you are with us cheering for your kuya’s first fashion show. I wish so much to hear your jolly voice and feel your hugs and kisses again. We wanted to let you know that everyday we think about you. There were never a day that we never remember you. You are always in our thoughts. We miss you so much baby.
Today, we went to the mall and we are thinking of buying toys for kuya Gareth and Clint but we ended up not getting anything. I saw all the toys that you wanted and I hope to get it for you and you are playing it. But no, I don’t have the guts to get it anymore because it will be useless. I don’t want to stock up those toys and just feel sad everytime I will see it and it’s not you who are playing it.
I also wanted to let you know that I am trying so hard to live a normal life again but maybe I can’t, this is my new normal. I want you to know that we are really trying to rebuild our lives. We are trying to move on and I know with your constant help and guide, we can make it. I know that you are our angel now, I can always feel your presence. Thank you very much. The love that we have for each other will be our deepest connection. You may gone so soon but I know that you will remain with me forever because I keep you in my heart as long as I live.
We are sad but don’t worry, we will get through this. Don’t worry about us, we can handle this. It may be hard and you may feel sad but we are okay. I don’t want you to feel sad for us. Just continue growing your wings and be the best angel as you can be. Live the life that God wants you to be. You can do it baby! Let us follow the will of God for us. I would like you to know that whatever may happen now, everything will be okay at the end. At the end of it all, we will be reunited again.
By the time we will be reunited, that will be the sweetest day of our lives. We will never let each other go ever again. There are times that I become weak again and I cry bucket of tears because I miss you so much. I long for you baby. I wanted to hug and kiss you again.
I may not understand the mystery of life and God’s reason, I believe that He has a good reason and it is our own good.
I wish to feel the happiness I feel when you are still with us. I miss my old self. I miss those days that we laugh together for a certain thing. I miss everything about you baby.
Christmas will never be the same again without you Ayumi.
Love,
Mommy
Our Christmas this year is way different without Ayumi. She’s our source of Joy and it hurts to know that we will be celebrating our first Christmas without her. When I started decorating this year, I really think of her. I know that she will shout “wow” everytime we light our Christmas Tree and I put those cute decors.
I think moving to our new house is really a big help. I see things differently now and everytime I feel sad, the baby inside of me will start kicking. It made me realize that I should not dwell so much on the past but prepare for the new baby’s coming.
So much things are going on in our country lately and it made me feel sad. I feel sad that I don’t feel the same excitement as before when Christmas approaches. There is really a big difference. I am finding ways that will make me feel that same old feeling again but still I can’t. So to take the blues away, I started planning the birth of our new baby. I hope it will make me feel better.
I may don’t understand everything that is going on but I believe God has a reason why all this things are happening. The emptiness I feel will forever stay and I know only time can tell if I can overcome this. As a mother, it is really hard to believe that I lost one but I believe in God’s miracles. I know someday I will understand…
Despite of everything, I still wish everyone a Merry Christmas! Have a blessed one and please don’t forget to share your blessings. 🙂
Today is not just like any ordinary day. Today is the 11 month without my daughter. Everyday is battle between my mind and heart because there are times that I have questions why she’s gone too soon. As a mother, I know there are days that I am on my lowest point, specially if I miss her.
I am getting used to it. I am used to this pain that I carry everyday. I am used of missing her everyday. I am used for that special moment where I hardly wish so hard that she is still here with us. I am used to it and I will be like this forever.
Everytime I see kids on her age, I wonder how she will become. It seems that my future with her is taken away from me. I have no choice but to continue living and just wait for that special moment that we will be reunited again.
It’s 11 month already but it seems like yesterday. I miss her so much and everything about her seems so fresh. Everything will never be forgotten and I hope she will continue to watch over with us. I know she is happy right now in Heaven because Mama Mary and Jesus are taking care of her. I know that they can take care of my child more that I do.
The sad part is that Christmas is coming and we will try our best to celebrate it the way we used to be when Ayumi was still with us. I don’t want to disappoint her. I wanted her to see that we can make it through.
Grow your wings baby…
You are our little angel always.. We miss you so much!